Rebounding

First, thank you all so much for all the great congrats in the comments and on emails. I am still pretty thrilled thinking that I am actually going to get to do what I really want to do. It's funny because the closer I get to graduation, the more people say to me, "Wow, time really flies!" Uh, yeah. To you maybe. Me? Not so much. Law school has truly been the toughest 3 years of my life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it. Physically, I began law school at almost my highest weight. I was miserable in my body. It has been up and down this whole 3 years (although I'm at my lowest weight now since I've been in law school). Emotionally, I have had some pretty big losses. During my 2nd year of law school I went through the execution of a young man whose case I worked on, watched a friend lose her 2 year old son to cancer, and lost my 2 godmothers. Hmm, is it any wonder why I don't have real fond memories of law school? Mentally, law school has challenged me in ways I never thought possible. Because I come from a family of lawyers, I went into law school thinking that I would love it and be good at it. Umm, not so much. On either count. My grades first semester were awful. My second semester of law school saw me back on anti-depressants and back in therapy. I will never forget the time in the spring when my therapist told me I should go back on my medicines for depression. I was devastated. I remember calling Preggo as I left my therapist's office and sobbed to her that Sheila (my therapist) had told me I was depressed. I just didn't think of myself as depressed. I knew that if someone told me the symptoms that I was feeling, I would have said they were depressed, no question. But not me. Not again. Chris had never seen me go through depression. I was scared he was going to leave me because, let's face it, that is not what he bargained for. The "depressed me" is not who he met and fell in love with. I was terrified I would lose him, and I was terrified that I didn't know who I was anymore. I sucked at law school. I thought I should drop out, but I had no Plan B. I had never wanted to do anything else. Luckily I stayed with it and kept plugging away. I dove into volunteer work so that I could do the work that reminded me why I was in law school. I ignored the little voice that kept telling me everything was going to be okay. I HATE it when it tells me that.

It also took law school to show me just how messed up my thoughts were. I would sit in class and if I heard someone give a correct answer to something I would immediately think, "boy, I couldn't have answered that question." If I was called on and gave a right answer, I would think, "Well, duh, anyone could have answered that." Umm, okay you freak. But let's just say law school was not what I expected. I wasn't good at it. Nothing about it came naturally. And I felt like I took a beating every single day. I went through a minor depression at the beginning of every semester. Why? Because I got some time off and then had to come back and remember what it's like to beat myself up over and over every single day. My little voice tried to help, but I was able to drown it out with my thoughts of how stupid I am and how I would always be a failure.

And I wasn't even one of the academically competitive ones. When I saw my grades first semester, I knew I wasn't going to be in the top of the class, so I didn't even make that a goal. I've had good and bad grades through the years. But I am going to meet my ultimate goal of graduating with a 3.0 GPA. I'll take it. Therapy has helped me realize that I value myself in other ways, not by grades. I've done what I've had to do to get through law school, and I don't apologize for that or make excuses for my grades. Because of these realizations, that little voice has gotten to take a break and recover from the permanent laryngitis it's had for almost 3 years now.

So to get the call from my future boss and hear him say, "I'm offering you a job now. I don't want to take the chance of losing you." Those words mean more than he will ever know. In an instant, it makes law school worth it. I knew from the beginning that law school was something I had to go through to do what I wanted to do. It was just more challenging than I ever thought possible. But it's all worth it. I will be doing the work that I love and believe in. I will be fighting for those that society would rather forget existed. I will be giving voice to those without a voice. And I will be doing that work exactly where I have wanted to do it. I cannot put into words how excited I am and how humbled I am by boss man's confidence in me and my abilities. September can't come fast enough. I hope that when I get really discouraged by the Bar, I have that little voice reminding me that I have already been promised my reward, and that it really will be worth it.

I have to say that through everything, Chris has been my rock. He truly is amazing. I was reminded of this last night when I was being a complete bitch slightly irrational (I'll explain in a minute). For about a month after my grandfather died almost 4 years ago, Chris would wake up in the middle of the night and find me sitting on the couch crying. He wouldn't say anything except, "Come on baby. Come back to bed." And then he would just hold me. I think that time more than any other showed me his true nature. We hadn't been together even a year yet, and we hadn't been through any sort of death or tragedy together. He did that instinctively. And never sighed or complained or rolled his eyes at me. He just understood. He did the same thing after my other losses, even ones he didn't understand as much. I don't think he has ever quite understood why law school has been so hard on me, but it doesn't matter. He has always been positive and supportive and has believed that I would get through it. He didn't even blink when I told him that I wanted to go into a massive amount of debt so that I could be a lawyer that made no money. That was fine by him. He let me cry when I got my worst grades. He didn't understand why I was crying, but he let me cry. He let me cry after the LSAT. I think he knows what's in store for him after the Bar this summer. Or at least I hope he knows. He has truly seen me at my best and worst and everything in between. And he is still here, and still loves me. And for that I am grateful.

I am thinking about all of this because I had a huge victory last night. I know I'm being very long-winded, but bear with me. I'm in a reflective mood. And I am going somewhere. I think. So why was I being a complete bitch slightly irrational last night? Let's just say that I am one of those people who gets more stressed out after a big thing is over. After I took the LSAT in December '04, I came home and laid in bed and cried for the rest of the day. Chris did not know what to do with me. I've gotten better over the years, but I still tend to do that. So yesterday I came home from my exam and just felt awful. I wallowed. And bitched. And whined. And all I wanted to do was eat. A hundred times I almost suggested to Chris that we go to McDonald's or Dairy Queen. I wanted fries or chocolate or... something. But for the first time in my life, that little voice actually stopped me and made me listen. Just like it was telling me, I knew I didn't want fries. I didn't want chocolate. I would not feel better afterwards. Instead, I would still be depressed about the exam and then would hate myself for everything I ate. It was a little maddening to actually have to listen to that voice, but I knew it was right. So I didn't even suggest it. I had a glass of wine, and pulled myself out of my funk. For me, that was a huge victory. Normally I would have gone out and eaten everything in sight. But instead I had some frozen fruit and whipped cream. I did treat myself to a little bit of low-fat ice cream, but that's it. Here's the food journal.


I have to say that I am incredibly proud of myself. I don't think I got an A on my Family Law exam, but I feel okay about it. And afterwards I didn't go sabotage myself even though I REALLY wanted to. For the first time in a VERY long time, I actually listened my little voice.

Now that voice was also telling me to go take a walk and I would feel a lot better, but luckily I was able to ignore that one. Baby steps, people, baby steps.