Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Person I Don't Want to Be

I know I said I would be back, and, once again, I'm really not sure why I haven't been back. I actually have been doing pretty well. My Biggest Loser team at my office, the Legal Losers, won our weight loss competition. I lost the most weight, but I wasn't the overall winner since my percentage wasn't as high as others. I lost 18lbs over the 11-week competition, but I have to admit that I had some help with that loss from a nasty bout with both salmonella and c. diff. They really are miserable. It took 2 months, but I think I am 90% recovered.

While the weight loss has been a good thing, of course, there has also been sadness as well. Our dear friends, Mandy & Ed, lost their adorable 17-month-old daughter, Hudson, to an incredibly aggressive case of bacterial meningitis. We were devastated for them and still wonder sometimes if it's all just a bad dream. Mandy & Ed are incredible and determined to move on in a world that is forever changed. They had 2 beautiful memorial services for Hudson, one in DC (where they currently live) and one in Chapel Hill. I hope that every day provides more happiness and laughter for them than the day before. They have unintentionally started a movement called "One Good Thing." At the memorial service, Mandy talked about how she had been planning on teaching Hudson this lesson as she got older. Every time something bad happened, she was going to have them pick one good thing that came out of it. Now it is Hudson teaching all of us that lesson as we struggle to find the good in the midst of unbelieveable sadness. Mandy & Ed are dealing with all of this with an amazing amount of courage and grace. Those of us who loved Hudson are simply trying to support Mandy & Ed and wishing there was SOMETHING we could do to take away even a small amount of their suffering.

Yesterday, Amily and another friend of ours from law school, Sherry, took a road trip to Williamsburg, VA. Mandy drove down from DC and met us at Busch Gardens for some roller coaster therapy. It was an awesome day. The weather was perfect. It wasn't too hot, and the humidity was really low. We walked all over the park and even brought our lunch so we didn't have to eat the heavy park food and then get on roller coasters (okay, I should amend that to say that Mandy, Sherry, and Amily brought lunches and I mooched off all of them because when I went to pack something yesterday morning, I realized I didn't have ANYTHING to bring with me). We started off the day riding Griffon twice. AWESOME ride. We also rode Alpengeist and a few others.

I had confessed to Chris the night before that I was worried I wouldn't fit on a ride. But I didn't REALLY think it would happen. That morning we saw several people who couldn't fit in the seats and had to get off. My heart just hurt for each of them. But after I fit on the first couple, I wasn't really worried anymore. On one of them the guy did have to push a little to get my harness snapped, but nothing major. I will say they all dug into the sides of my thighs pretty badly, but nothing that was too big of a deal.

After lunch we went and got in line for Apollo's Chariot. That ride just had a lap bar, not an over-the-shoulder harness, so I assumed I would be fine. We got on the ride, I lowered my lap bar, and thought we were ready to go. Then a staff member came over to me and said my lap bar wasn't down far enough. She indicated a red line on the bottom of the bar that needed to pass a certain point. It was just a few millimeters away from where it needed to be. They unlocked EVERYONE's lap bars several times as she encouraged me to scoot farther back in my seat and "just pull really hard on the lap bar". Yeah, it didn't work. I think if she had given it a push, it would have gone, but no one offered and I wasn't willing to ask someone to do that, even though I had seen staff do it a ton of times on all the other rides.

After an unbelieveable humiliating few seconds (seemed much longer than that to me), they said I couldn't ride it. So I began the very embarassing journey of getting off the ride and exiting with everyone watching. The other ladies I was with got off with me, which I was grateful for so I wasn't leaving by myself. I took a few minutes to myself, cried, called Chris, got myself together, and then rejoined with them.

As I saw this happen to other people in the morning, I wondered what it must be like to be THAT PERSON. I don't mean that in an ugly way. I felt awful for them and wished I could just give them a hug, but was also grateful, of course, that I wasn't THAT PERSON. And then I became that person. Or, more accurately, realized I really was that person. It was humiliating. I told Amily that I just still don't see myself that way. It's not like I see myself as a size 2, either. I am well aware that I am very overweight. But to not fit on a roller coaster? Am I also going to be the person who has to buy 2 seats on an airplane?

The answer is no. I can't do this. I've already lost 18 lbs., and so I am going to rededicate myself to this. I am dying to get back into excercise. I really, really miss my Jazzercise and want to get back into it. So I'm going to. I'm going to start blogging and keeping my food journal again. I have to do this. I hate the way I look right now. But more importantly, I hate the way I feel right now.

And there is one thing I know for sure. Deep down, I am NOT that person. And I don't want to look like I am anymore.

4 comments:

Sara said...

Welcome back! Congrats on the 18 pounds -- you're off and running and that's the hardest part. Just keep at it and you'll continue to feel better and better.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your friends' little girl. I cannot even imagine the depths of their grief. It sure puts things in perspective and makes one look at what is really important in life.

Good luck on your journey...

Melissa said...

Hey! I'm so glad to be reading your blog again and so very jealous you were at Busch Gardens. I can't wait to hear about your journey and I'll be with you when you reach the end! Love you!

Rick said...

I was just checking in the see if the doodle was still on your header. I am honored to see that it is still there. I read your last post. It is a very touching one. I don't want to be that person either. Since July 12th I have lost 37 lbs. My goal is 50 by Jan. 12th.

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