Caroline's Commitment

A Person I Don't Want to Be

2010-06-09T09:41:00.003-04:00

I know I said I would be back, and, once again, I'm really not sure why I haven't been back. I actually have been doing pretty well. My Biggest Loser team at my office, the Legal Losers, won our weight loss competition. I lost the most weight, but I wasn't the overall winner since my percentage wasn't as high as others. I lost 18lbs over the 11-week competition, but I have to admit that I had some help with that loss from a nasty bout with both salmonella and c. diff. They really are miserable. It took 2 months, but I think I am 90% recovered.

While the weight loss has been a good thing, of course, there has also been sadness as well. Our dear friends, Mandy & Ed, lost their adorable 17-month-old daughter, Hudson, to an incredibly aggressive case of bacterial meningitis. We were devastated for them and still wonder sometimes if it's all just a bad dream. Mandy & Ed are incredible and determined to move on in a world that is forever changed. They had 2 beautiful memorial services for Hudson, one in DC (where they currently live) and one in Chapel Hill. I hope that every day provides more happiness and laughter for them than the day before. They have unintentionally started a movement called "One Good Thing." At the memorial service, Mandy talked about how she had been planning on teaching Hudson this lesson as she got older. Every time something bad happened, she was going to have them pick one good thing that came out of it. Now it is Hudson teaching all of us that lesson as we struggle to find the good in the midst of unbelieveable sadness. Mandy & Ed are dealing with all of this with an amazing amount of courage and grace. Those of us who loved Hudson are simply trying to support Mandy & Ed and wishing there was SOMETHING we could do to take away even a small amount of their suffering.

Yesterday, Amily and another friend of ours from law school, Sherry, took a road trip to Williamsburg, VA. Mandy drove down from DC and met us at Busch Gardens for some roller coaster therapy. It was an awesome day. The weather was perfect. It wasn't too hot, and the humidity was really low. We walked all over the park and even brought our lunch so we didn't have to eat the heavy park food and then get on roller coasters (okay, I should amend that to say that Mandy, Sherry, and Amily brought lunches and I mooched off all of them because when I went to pack something yesterday morning, I realized I didn't have ANYTHING to bring with me). We started off the day riding Griffon twice. AWESOME ride. We also rode Alpengeist and a few others.

I had confessed to Chris the night before that I was worried I wouldn't fit on a ride. But I didn't REALLY think it would happen. That morning we saw several people who couldn't fit in the seats and had to get off. My heart just hurt for each of them. But after I fit on the first couple, I wasn't really worried anymore. On one of them the guy did have to push a little to get my harness snapped, but nothing major. I will say they all dug into the sides of my thighs pretty badly, but nothing that was too big of a deal.

After lunch we went and got in line for Apollo's Chariot. That ride just had a lap bar, not an over-the-shoulder harness, so I assumed I would be fine. We got on the ride, I lowered my lap bar, and thought we were ready to go. Then a staff member came over to me and said my lap bar wasn't down far enough. She indicated a red line on the bottom of the bar that needed to pass a certain point. It was just a few millimeters away from where it needed to be. They unlocked EVERYONE's lap bars several times as she encouraged me to scoot farther back in my seat and "just pull really hard on the lap bar". Yeah, it didn't work. I think if she had given it a push, it would have gone, but no one offered and I wasn't willing to ask someone to do that, even though I had seen staff do it a ton of times on all the other rides.

After an unbelieveable humiliating few seconds (seemed much longer than that to me), they said I couldn't ride it. So I began the very embarassing journey of getting off the ride and exiting with everyone watching. The other ladies I was with got off with me, which I was grateful for so I wasn't leaving by myself. I took a few minutes to myself, cried, called Chris, got myself together, and then rejoined with them.

As I saw this happen to other people in the morning, I wondered what it must be like to be THAT PERSON. I don't mean that in an ugly way. I felt awful for them and wished I could just give them a hug, but was also grateful, of course, that I wasn't THAT PERSON. And then I became that person. Or, more accurately, realized I really was that person. It was humiliating. I told Amily that I just still don't see myself that way. It's not like I see myself as a size 2, either. I am well aware that I am very overweight. But to not fit on a roller coaster? Am I also going to be the person who has to buy 2 seats on an airplane?

The answer is no. I can't do this. I've already lost 18 lbs., and so I am going to rededicate myself to this. I am dying to get back into excercise. I really, really miss my Jazzercise and want to get back into it. So I'm going to. I'm going to start blogging and keeping my food journal again. I have to do this. I hate the way I look right now. But more importantly, I hate the way I feel right now.

And there is one thing I know for sure. Deep down, I am NOT that person. And I don't want to look like I am anymore.

Legal Losers

2010-03-24T09:09:00.003-04:00

I know, I know. I promised I would be back soon and that was almost 3 months ago. *Sigh* What have I done since then? Gain weight, mainly. Well, maybe not gain, but certainly not lose.

However, last week we started a Biggest Loser at my office. I am certainly one of the largest people here, so I knew I would participate. I am on the team "Legal Losers." Clever, huh? We also have the Fat Fighters, Diet Defenders, and Habeas Porkus. I know, we're pathetic. But we think we're hilarious! Anyway, I weighed in last week and was almost at my highest weight ever. It made me disgusted. But I still only felt the motivation to do things about half-way. I haven't exercised at all, but I did really try to watch what I ate and watch my portions. And the result? I weighed in today and I've lost 3.5 lbs in the last week.

On one hand, I'm obviously very excited. On the other hand, I am incredibly embarassed. I mean, I really only half-assed it this week so if I was able to lose 3.5 lbs, that shows me just how bad I've gotten. I'm DESPERATELY trying to just use this as the kick in the ass I need to get me back on track, for good. But I'm so pissed at myself for getting into this position in the first place that it's hard to try to get motivated. I think this feeling is what has kept me from really trying to get back on track before now in the first place. I really just haven't wanted to acknowledge how far off track and off the wagon I've gotten. Cause then I have to deal with all these emotions and all this anger at myself.

But if I'm going to have to deal with that sooner or later, then it might as well be sooner so I can start trying to get the weight off. So here we go. For real this time.

How Many Activity Points do you get for painting?

2010-01-03T21:32:00.009-05:00

Before:

During:

After:

2009: Year in Review

2009-12-30T20:20:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. I promised to come back over a month ago. I really need to stop promising that I'll post again soon, cause I always seem to break that promise. I am planning on getting back into the swing of things, but at the moment I am in a funk and I had the urge to come write here again to try to get out of it. So before I start moving forward, I figured I would give a quick look back to catch everyone up.

The first few months of the year were filled with wedding planning and work. Melissa and Beth came to Durham on Valentine's Day weekend and shocked me beyond belief. I actually was speechless, which doesn't happen very often. We had an awesome time and I was so glad to see them. Chris hit the big 3-0 in March, on St. Patrick's Day. We had a party at my brother's house and I had a blast teasing him about what an older man I was engaged to.

I did almost nothing in regards to my weight. I did go to Jazzercise in March-April-May, but always stopped before I got a real routine going, for some reason. Chris hurt his back in April, and it really laid him out for awhile. He took a long time to heal and even by June wasn't back to normal. We had several work weekends during that time period at the River (to get ready for the wedding), and my little sister, Lillie, graduated from college in May (well, except for one little class...).

I finally pestered Chris into going to see a doctor about his back in the summer because he still wasn't getting better. He saw an orthopedist and started physical therapy and made some improvements. In early June, Chris also came home one day and asked if I had noticed a house nearby that was for sale. We went and walked around it and really liked it. We were sure it was out of our price range, but we checked anyway. We were amazed when we realized we could afford it. We contacted a real estate agent, toured the inside of the house, made and offer, and were under contract all within 2 weeks. Our scheduled closing was July 31st, just over one month before the wedding. That was NOT part of the plan.

Over July 4th we went for another work weekend in the mountains. My Mom's birthday was July 5th, so we celebrated that as well. On July 6th, my cell phone rang while I was still at work. It was Chris, telling me that someone had broken into our house (our old house, that we rented). They took our television (aka Chris' baby), the Wii I had given Chris for Christmas, my laptop (with our ENTIRE wedding guest list on it, complete with addresses), my backup hard drive, our bedspread (to wrap things up in we assume), and other various items. We spent the evening with the police at the house, taking statements and fingerprints. I'll admit it was a little odd being on the "victim" side of the criminal justice system.

July continued to progress while we fought with our insurance company over our claim. The end of July approached and we were preparing for closing on the house, as well as FINALLY getting our wedding invitations out (thank goodness we had sent out the save the dates). I took the last week of July off from work and spent a couple days at the beach with my family, then came back to Durham to begin packing the house up. We lined up movers to help on August 1st, as well as my family. We closed on the house on July 31st with no major problems. My parents came that night (Friday) to help begin the process. Our plan was to have the movers move just the furniture on Saturday. Well Saturday dawned and the movers didn't show up. With Chris' back still out, moving everything fell to me and my Dad while my mother frantically packed boxes (since of course Chris and I hadn't finished nearly enough packing). Once again, a horrible moving experience. We don't have a good track record where moving is concerned. However, we LOVE our house. It's huge, and a lot of it is empty right now. But we have lots and lots of plans. No money, but LOTS of plans.

August began with us trying to unpack and settle into our house while wedding plans were in the final push. I went on a bachelorette weekend in Charlotte, which was awesome, with my best friends from childhood on up through law school. My mom, sister, and brother's better half, Rebecca, also came. Kristi came all the way from Tennessee and surprised the hell out of me. We had a blast. We stayed at Ashley's house Friday night (my roommate from college who just moved to Charlotte from Michigan - YAY!), hung out at Lake Wiley at my aunt and uncle's house on Saturday, and went out clubbing on Saturday night. It was an awesome weekend with my girls.

The rest of August was mostly a blur leading up to the wedding. It was wonderful, fabulous, everything we could have hoped for. But telling you all about the wedding weekend will be another post.

The day after the wedding (Sept. 6), we packed up with most of Chris' family and drove from the mountains to the beach. We stayed at Topsail the rest of the week as Chris' family slowly left to go back home. On Saturday, Chris and I left for our "real" honeymoon in Negril, Jamaica. Also an awesome trip. But that will also be another post.

We got back from Jamaica and while our wedding had been everything we had wanted it to be and more, we couldn't deny that Chris' back had gotten a lot worse. I went with him to see the orthopedist who recommended an MRI to see what was going on and put him on steroids, as well as more pain killers. While that was pending, Chris called me on October 8 to tell me that our house had been broken into. I told him he was wrong and that we had already done this, but he was insistent. Turned out our NEW house had been broken into and they had taken a bunch of stuff, including my jewelry (except my wedding rings which thank goodness I was wearing) and a bunch of wedding presents. Once again, we spent an evening with the police dusting for fingerprints.

As we dealt with insurance over that claim, Chris' back just kept getting worse. The MRI showed a definite ruptured disc that was likely pressing on the nerves causing the pain. The orthopedist sent Chris to the orthopaedic surgeon who recommended surgery since neither physical therapy nor the steroids had worked. The pain killers weren't very effective, either, so the surgeon thought that was the best option. We agreed, and Chris had a microdiscectomy on Nov. 19th. We were both pretty nervous, but the surgery went smoothly and he woke up in almost no pain (our shed was broken into while we were in the hospital, but at least they caught the guys this time and got out stuff back - 3rd time's the charm I guess). Chris was only allowed to be flat on his back with minimal standing for the first few weeks of recovery (that was interesting, to say the least), but after a scare where we thought he was going to have to have the surgery again, he recovered and is doing very well now.

We spent Thanksgiving in Durham and my whole family came to join us since Chris was only a week post-op so he couldn't travel at all. It was nice having everyone here and my Mom was great and did all the cooking so I only took care of Chris. I've always heard how stressful your first Thanksgiving at your house is, but this one wasn't since I wasn't in charge of anything. :)

On December 10th, our 2nd nephew was born! Austin Lee Collins is the 2nd little boy of Chris' brother, Scott, and his wife Jennie. Big brother Aiden is now 2. We haven't met Austin yet, but we're hoping to make a trip this spring to Oregon to see them all.

We were supposed to go to Colorado for Christmas this year, but we made the decision to stay here since we weren't sure Chris would be up for travelling that far. It was definitely the right decision, but we hated missing Christmas with Chris' parents. We were able to get to my parents' house (only a 1 hour drive), so we spent Christmas there. I was sick the whole time and we were also prepping Lillie, my younger sister, for her trip. On December 29, she and her friend, Amanda, left for a 1-year trip around the world. They arrived in Santiago, Chile on Wednesday morning and are doing great, so far. They'll be in Chile for about a month, then Argentina for several months. This summer they'll spend a month in South Africa, and then they'll head to Southeast Asia and spend 4-5 months in Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia. I already miss her like crazy, but I'm so excited for them. My parents are going to meet them in South Africa and my brother and Rebecca are going to Argentina to meet them. Chris and I are going to try to meet them next fall (since I used up all my vacation for the wedding!).

So that's it. That's 2009 in one very long post. It certainly hasn't been a bad year since it was the year I got married and some other wonderful stuff happened, but it also hasn't been the easiest of years. I begin 2010 at close to my highest weight, struggling both mentally and physically and very frustrated. But I also begin 2010 with more determination than I've felt in a long time that I will get this weight off. That determination hasn't transformed into motivation yet, but I still feel very confident that I WILL transform my life and become the healthy person I've always wanted to be. So here I go again.

Real Wedding Pictures!

2009-11-12T09:18:00.003-05:00

I know the link didn't really work last time, so here is a link to ALL of our wedding pictures!

http://www.collages.net/
Under "Guests", enter username: collins and password: 4551

And I will be back later today to post again. I've GOT to get my butt back in gear. Literally. And I would love to say that life has been calm and "normal", but that has not been the case. Lots going on. Back later!

Pictures!

2009-09-25T17:33:00.003-04:00

We had an incredible photographer, Steve Exum. I would highly recommend him for ANY event where you need a photographer. One of the coolest things he did was that he showed a slideshow of pictures from our engagement session, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding and the reception the NIGHT of the wedding! It was so cool being able to see those pictures right away. Here's the link to our slideshow. Make sure your sound is turned on because the music adds so much to the show. Enjoy!!

Wedding Slideshow

Stupid Grass...

2009-09-21T19:06:00.003-04:00

So we bought a new house and moved into it on August 1st. We've only rented before, so we didn't own a lawnmower. We had a guy come by every month or so at our last rental house and mow the lawn. Well, our new yard is substantially larger, so he doubled the price he was charging. We drew the line at that. He mowed it once over 3 weeks ago, and we decided we wouldn't have him do it again. So when we got back from Jamaica, our grass was ridiculously high. Yesterday we bit the bullet and dropped over $250 on a lawnmower.

I came home from work today ready to feel like a homeowner. I still had plenty of daylight left, so I tore the lawnmower out of the box and started putting it together. Chris and I fairly quickly realized that it wasn't set up properly. After struggling with it for awhile, we gave up. Now we're going to have to take the stupid thing back to Lowe's and get a new one. I am REALLY not looking forward to putting it back in my car since it must weigh 100 lbs. And have I mentioned Chris' back is really hurt and he can't lift anything? Ugh.

What the hell do I do since my grass is almost knee-high at this point?? Stupid grass.

Settling In...

2009-09-19T21:18:00.004-04:00

Chris and I got back from our honeymoon in Jamaica last night. We had an amazing time, and I admit it was pretty hard to come back. We're getting laundry done and unpacking and getting settled back in to our house. And I will be restarting this blog as we've made a commitment to begin our marriage by getting healthy.

But for today, here are some pictures from the wedding that I've stolen from people who posted them on Facebook.

My hair that my sister did. Isn't it incredible?? And can you find my Mom's wedding ring that's hidden in there?

On the rock after our amazing photographer, Steve Exum, and his assistant got me out there in a canoe!

Yes, they got both of us out there for the coolest pictures ever!

My family, right before the wedding

I'm Married!!

2009-09-09T13:48:00.001-04:00

Not That I'm Bragging...

2009-05-12T05:43:00.001-04:00

... But guess who is on her way to Jazzercise class bright and early this morning???

Okay, yes. Yes I am completely bragging.

One Foot on the Wagon

2009-04-18T10:55:00.002-04:00

I've almost been scared to come here and write anything for fear of scaring away what little motivation I have found. On Wednesday I went to David's Bridal with Amily and Katy and picked up my wedding dress. I tried it on again, knowing it wasn't going to fit like it did back when I ordered it in January. Back then I was solidly between a 16 and an 18. We ordered an 18 and thought we would need to have it taken in a little bit. Well, when I picked it up and tried it on Wednesday night, it certainly didn't need to be taken in. I picked up dinner for Chris and I on the way home from getting the dress and got a chicken sandwich and a baked potato from Wendy's. On Thursday for lunch I got a baby green salad with grilled chicken on it. I went to a banquet with my Mom on Thursday night and just ate what they served, since I didn't really have any options. They had a salad, about 3 pieces of beef, and some potatoes. I ate it all, and was actually still hungry, but just left it at that. On Friday I went to lunch with some friends and had a salad with grilled chicken and then we went to dinner with some friends last night as well and I had a pear salad with grilled chicken on it. This morning I had 2 Eggo Nutrigrain Light waffles and a glass of milk. So I'm feeling very proud of my self for the last 2 and a half days. Step by step I guess.

I'm not counting yet, but that's next. I'm trying to ease back into the routine of eating right, and then I'll start counting. I'm not getting anywhere near a scale right now because in all honesty, I have no desire to see the number. I am much more concerned right now in how my clothes are fitting and getting that dress a little looser. I also really want to concentrate on fitness. I have about 4 and a half months to get in good shape for the wedding. Want to know the saddest thing? One of the main reasons I want to be in shape for the wedding is so I can keep up with my Mom on the dance floor. My mother, who turns 60 this year but looks about 40 and has the body of an 18-year-old, could dance circles around me, quite literally. My goal is to be able to keep up with her.

I will admit that a big fear I've had is that I would look back at my wedding pictures and not like them because I was so big. I have always thought that I would be really skinny at my wedding. That I would have won the weight battle by the time I got married and being skinny at my wedding would be a reward. As the wedding got closer and closer and I realized I wasn't going to be at the weight I always thought I would be at, I think I just gave up a little bit and said, subconsciously, to forget it. But putting on the dress on Wednesday night reminded me why I loved that dress from the beginning. I really feel beautiful in that dress. I liked other dresses I tried on when we were looking, but all of them just seemed to look like pretty dresses on me. This dress made MY body look incredible. It compliments me so well and makes my curves look fabulous. So seeing that dress, even though it was more snug than it had been last time, reminded me that I feel beautiful in that dress, and that's what matters for the wedding. I think that triggered something in my brain that any weight I can get off and any toning I can do will just make me feel even better in that dress than I already do. It feels like more of a bonus than a "I have to get this weight off." And somehow that flipped some switch in my brain and it's been a little easier the past couple of days.

Whether my analyzing is right or not, I feel like I've got one foot back on the wagon, which is way more than has been on there in a long time. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get.

Okay, Okay

2009-02-26T20:33:00.003-05:00

I know, I'm terrible. And my excuse has been that my laptop finally died (this was the laptop I had all the way through law school) and I've been too busy at work to post on my work computer. However, Chris finally ordered me a new netbook, which is a mini-laptop, so now I don't have an excuse anymore. Since I've gotten my new computer (about 2 weeks ago), instead of thinking up what to post about, I've been thinking about other excuses I could have for not posting. How pathetic is that??

So instead, I've been trying to figure out why I haven't wanted to post. Probably the biggest reason is that I have been doing NOTHING about my weight. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating very well, nothing. This blog was created for accountability, and at the moment the last thing I want is to be accountable to anyone for anything to do with my weight or health. And I really have no idea why I'm so incredibly reluctant to try to get my act together. I mean, I'm getting married in 5 months. Technically, the time to do something about my weight was several months ago, but I've still got 5 months and could lose some more weight before then. Somehow, even THAT motivation hasn't been enough recently. And I could blame it on several things, but I'm simply tired of making excuses for myself. I'm not doing it, and I don't know why.

So what else have I been doing (besides work that is - and can you believe I've now been working for 6 months???). Well, wedding planning of course! I got my dress (which I LOVE!!), we've reserved the tent, tables, and linens, we've booked the caterer for the rehearsal dinner and the reception, and the save the date magnets have been sent out. Whew, planning a wedding is a ton of work. I certainly can't take all the credit, though. My Mom has been doing a ton of work and it's been so nice to just give certain things to her and let her run with it.

So that's about it for now. I think part of my reluctance to post is that I feel like such a downer and I don't like sounding like that. To avoid feeling like I sound like a downer, I just don't post at all. Hmmm, I'm thinking this may be a bad cycle...

What Happened???

2009-01-03T16:21:00.003-05:00

I was going to get on here and just begin brand new. Not really acknowledge the last few months I have taken off. But, as much as I hate it, this is all part of the journey. To ignore it would be a disservice to me and to those who have been sticking by me for so long.

As most of you know, I've dealt with depression for a good part of my life. I've been on a good cocktail of medicine and have been pretty stable over the last year or so. My psychiatrist had been wanting for me to change my meds around a little. First, he thought that there were 2 drugs I could go off of because I was depressed on those until he added a third drug. So he felt like if I was depressed while I wasn't on that 3rd drug, and then not depressed when I was on that one, that I could go off of the other 2. It all made sense to me. I made him wait until after the Bar, since I wasn't going to risk messing with my meds while studying for the Bar, but I went off of one drug around August and didn't notice any side effects. Then in November I decided to go off the other drug (Prozac), so that would just leave me on one anti-depressant. I went off the Prozac and didn't notice any problems for the first 4 weeks or so. But right around the end of November and the beginning of December, I began to feel "off." I was close to tears a lot, I was having lots of "hard" days and "bad" weeks, and I just didn't feel like myself. I became incresingly dependent on the one remaining anti-depressant I was on, and would notice when it would start to wear off as the day went on.

It took a couple of weeks, but I finally realized that the Prozac really had been helping. It had been keeping me level, and the 3rd drug just bumped me up a little to where I felt normal. So once I finally realized this, I called my psychiatrist and he agreed with me and called in a refill for the Prozac. I restarted it the next day, but I was still pretty discouraged because Prozac takes 4-6 weeks to build up in your system to a therapeutic level. I've been back on it about 3 weeks now, so I'm getting there. I have been feeling better, but I don't think I admitted it to anyone how depressed I got in December. I withdrew from friends and family and it's hard to admit how much I hurt people and damaged relationships during those few weeks. While I think I have made amends with most people, it still hurts to remember that my depression doesn't just affect me. Just as it's hard to watch people I love going through hard times, I know that it's hard for my friends and family to watch me being so miserable. I know that, but sometimes I do a pretty bad job at remembering that.

So where does all this leave me in terms of weight loss? Well, in a pretty bad place quite frankly. I haven't stepped on a scale in months and I'm not planning on it anytime soon. Right now I would like to focus on listening to my body and paying attention to how I feel and how clothes are fitting and not focus on the number on the scale as much. I'm sure I'll start getting on the scale again at some point, but for now I just want to focus on taking care of me so I that I start feeling better about myself and not because I want to see a smaller number.

On some happier notes, wedding planning is getting into full swing. My Mom, sister, Amily, Katy and I are all going wedding dress shopping next Saturday. For some reason, looking for my dress has me completely stressed out. I don't know if it's because I have no idea what kind of dress I want or what, but I'm hoping I'll feel better about it after trying on some dresses and trying to get some kind of idea of what dress I want. I think we're close to booking a photographer and we're starting to get some of the smaller things nailed down as well. So we're getting there, slowly but surely. And these have been ordered!

Guest list has been finalized (I think so at least), and we're moving on the bands and food and everything. It's all coming together I think.

So that's the big update and a little about where I've been and everything. I've actually got a New Year's post in the works as well, so I'm going to try to get that posted this weekend. Happy New Year, everyone!

Worst Blogger Ever...

2008-12-03T21:37:00.004-05:00

Yes, that would be me. I'm still around here, I swear. I'm actually doing okay, I've just had no motivation to write very much.

We had a nice Thanksgiving. We actually got a good bit of wedding planning done (since we were spending Thanksgiving in the mountains where the wedding will be). Mom and I went to talk to the rental place up there and got price quotes for the tent and tables and chairs. We also got the menu for the restaurant where we're going to get some of the food for the weekend. So we're starting to nail a few things down, which feels good. I'm hoping to book a photographer by the end of next week. Lillie took pictures of me and Chris a few weeks ago for our "save the date" cards, and we got some really good shots. She's going to kill me for posting these because she hasn't edited them, but they're still good.

Can you tell I really love that guy?? :)

Work is going really well. I've had some rough days (clients and judges yelling at me), but I know it's par for the course. I do still love my job, so that's good.

As far as eating goes, I did a HUGE grocery shop at Costco and Kroger on Monday night. I planned out meals for the next 2 weeks. Now, I've done that a lot, but this time I took Amily's lead and planned which meal I would make which night. That way there is no decision-making any morning or when I get home from work on what meal to cook. It's worked out great so far. I also stocked up on healthy snacks.

I have also decided to stop going to WW meetings right now. I'm still planning on following their plan, but the meetings are just not working for me at this point. I'm honestly still not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing as far as losing weight goes, but I really am trying to figure it out.

I'll try not to be so long between updates. No promises but I'll REALLY try!

Still Breathing...

2008-11-21T21:32:00.002-05:00

I'm still here. Haven't been to a WW meeting in who-knows-how long. I'm just hanging out, working. We didn't win the election, which was really disappointing. But I'm still really enjoying my job and we're starting to actually get some wedding planning done. My motivation has disappeared and I'm trying to find it. Thanks for hanging with me while I figure things out.

And so it begins...

2008-10-27T09:33:00.003-04:00

Oooo, Beth so called me out. And very deservingly, I might add. I just wasn't in the mood to write some deep, soul-searching post last night. But today is a new day, so I'm giving it a go.

I feel like I'm really at a cross-roads in my life, in many different ways. Over the last 3 years, several issues came up at different points and I basically just said: that's going to have to wait until after law school. Well, now it's after law school. I have issues I think I need to address, and I feel like this is just a weird point in my life. I've finished school and have begun my career. I'm not dating anymore since I'm planning a wedding (okay, I haven't been "dating" for a long time, and I'm not technically planning a wedding since I haven't done any planning, but you know what I mean). I'm getting married within the next year, and starting a family looks to be in the not-so-distant future. So many of the things that I have worked towards for so long have happened, so I feel a little out of sorts. It has led to me asking many questions of myself, and wondering many things about what I want out of life. For example, up until now, I have always had school work to do at home, and then when I started working I've had campaign stuff to do. Campaign stuff is almost over (8 more days!) and I'm not sure what coming home is going to look like. At this point at work, I don't really have work to bring home. That may change, but for now I would like to try to enjoy not working all the time. But, as Chris points out ALL the time, I don't have any hobbies. So I'm just not sure what I'll do with myself when I come home from work and have nothing to do.

So in the same vein, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in terms of my weight loss. I have been at a standstill since the end of June, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm asking myself all the big questions again: Do I want to lose weight? How much weight do I want to lose? Why do I want to lose weight? Why am I not happy at my current weight? Why do I even have a weight problem? Why do I overeat? What am I expecting from weight loss?

Some of these questions I've asked before, but many I have just assumed the answer to. I've had weight problems for so long now that I don't know I've ever really questioned myself in these ways before. So that's where I am. Basically, not having a clue where I am. I WILL be back by tomorrow to start evaluating my answers to those questions. Hopefully I'll figure out what I want and where I want to go with all of this.

Ummm, ouch

2008-10-26T10:15:00.002-04:00

Wow, not one comment in response to my "I'm sick, poor me, I want my Mommy" post. Ouch. Guess that shows that all my readers really HAVE given up on me! Well, I'm getting ready to lure you back. I am in the process of figuring out what the hell I'm doing on the weight loss front. Am I losing weight? Am I trying to lose weight? It'll be posted by tonight.

Oh, and I AM feeling better, not that anyone asked... :(

Being an adult SUCKS...

2008-10-22T18:19:00.003-04:00

Those were my thoughts as I sat at the Costco pharmacy today waiting on my prescriptions for whatever crap finally caught up with me. Not all that long ago, I would have been tucked in bed with a bowl of soup next to me, movies on, while my mommy ran out to get my medicine. Now? I have to do it all myself. I even have to make my own soup! Ugh. I don't know WHY people enjoy growing up. I'll take my mommy any day. In fact, I'm such a baby that I just had my non-preggers friend bring me a milkshake while she had 2 actual babies in the car with her. Yeah, I'm that pathetic. But it was the best milkshake ever. And she offered, I swear.

I know I have been scarce, and I really do promise I'm going to get better ("yeah, right, we've heard that before"). Between working a full-time job and working on the campaign in every spare moment, I haven't had a whole lot of free time. But only 13 days until the election! We're very excited, and I'm hoping that 2 weeks from today I get to post on here that I am the proud daughter of a NC Supreme Court Justice. She's an amazing woman!

After a long night last night of not sleeping and sitting up in a chair because laying down in my bed made me cough too much, I decided to go to the doctor. I called the doctor I had found a few weeks ago (since I just had to find all new doctors because I changed health insurance) and he didn't have any appointments for the rest of the week! They said I could go to Urgent Care instead, which I was not happy about. Amily stopped by and she suggested I called the place she went. So since I didn't have a voice, she called, checked that they took my insurance, and then made an appointment for 11am this morning. I went in and the doctor said I've got some crap going around. She said it could be something more serious so she put me on antibiotics just to be sure. But she also gave me some cough syrup with some pain killers in it to knock me out. I took it when I got home and it WORKS. I was totally out of it all afternoon. She said I have to be out of work tomorrow, too, since I might still be contagious. And I don't think I'd be very effective in court anyway since I literally don't have a voice. Hopefully I'll be back Friday, but she wasn't sure. But considering how bad I sound, I don't feel that bad, which is dangerous because it makes me want to get up and do stuff. I'm trying to be good and recognizing that even though I don't feel all that bad, my body needs rest and blah blah blah.

On the plus side, I got weighed at the doctor (I know, usually that is nowhere near a good thing), and I was at 216. I'm not getting too excited about it since it was in the morning (around 11:30am) and I usually weigh in at night. The last time I went to WI was last Monday (10/13) and I was at 220.0. That put me down 0.8 from my last WI, several weeks before. So while I don't think I would be 216 at WI, I do think that's an indication I'm down at least a little bit. So I'll take it. Yay!

Well, although I don't feel horrible, I definitely don't feel good, so I'm going to go for now. Chris is making some dinner and then I'll probably just take some more medicine and knock myself out for the night. Be back soon. Promise!

17 Days...

2008-10-17T23:49:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't been posting a lot, but that's because there are only 17 more days until the election! I haven't talked about it a lot on here, but my Mom is running for the North Carolina Supreme Court. We just released a new ad about her. Can you tell I'm a little proud of her??

I Don't Want to Talk About It...

2008-10-10T09:09:00.002-04:00

The game last night, that is. Chris and I drove to Winston to watch the Clemson-Wake Forest game and it was not pretty. Ugh. It was fun to be at a game again since we hadn't been to a Clemson game in 2 years. Too bad the game sucked. And I have 2 Wake fans at my office who were at the game last night. I'm going to try to avoid them all day. It makes it worse that we didn't get home until 1am so I am completely exhausted. I could deal with it if it had been a good game.

But even though it wasn't a good game, the band was still awesome! So everyone go vote for Clemson's Tiger Band: http://promo.espn.go.com/espn/contests/indianajones/voteBand

More later...

New Header!

2008-10-07T21:52:00.001-04:00

So what do you think about my new header? Rick did it, and just like the last one, I LOVE it! Thanks, Rick!

Halfway

2008-10-03T17:38:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not halfway to goal. I feel like I'm halfway in motivation. I went to Jazzercise last Wednesday night. It was so nice to be back. I really did miss it. But I admit that even up to the moment I got out of my car to walk up to the building I was thinking, "Ugh, I don't want to do this!" I went running on Friday night and Saturday morning. It didn't go all that great. And then on Sunday morning I ran a 5k. I know I should be all proud of myself that I actually did it. But I walked a lot of it, so I'm not all that happy.

I'm just so pissed right now. I'm pissed that I was in a GREAT exercise routine and I completely let it slip. I'm pissed that I was really cruising along in my weight loss and then got derailed (yes, I know, I was derailed by the Bar, and I would take passing the Bar over losing another 10 lbs in the last few months ANY day). I guess it's not so much that I'm pissed I got derailed as that I'm mad that it's taking me so long to get back into a routine. I think I am finally getting there though. Here's my exercise plan:

Monday: Run
Tuesday: Jazzercise
Wednesday: Run
Thursday: Jazzercise
Friday:Run
Saturday: Jazzercise
Sunday: Jazzercise

I know that has me exercising 7 days a week, and I can take that down to 5 or 6 times a week if that gets to be too much. But I would like to give it a shot. I want to finish the Couch to 5k program, and that requires me running 3 times per week, so I'd really like to do that.

So I didn't get to WI once again tonight, but it's actually not my fault. Okay, not completely my fault. I was later leaving work than I usually am, so I left in time to catch the 5:15pm bus. Well it didn't show up until 5:35pm. Ugh. That is why I always try to catch the 4:45pm bus. So I didn't get back to Durham and to my car until 6:20pm. I wouldn't have gotten to WW until at least 6:30, and the meeting started at 6pm, so I would have missed all of it. I will go this week at least just to WI though, since I haven't weighed in for a couple of weeks. I'm really not giving up on BLBE. I might be a few weeks late starting, but I'm coming!

So that's where I am. I do feel like I'm slowly getting my motivation back. Maybe by now I'm a little past 50%. I'm just gonna keep pushing until I get back to where I know I can be.

Here I go!

2008-10-01T10:13:00.002-04:00

Hi all, yes I'm still here. I was going to post last night after Christy checked in on me, but I had a really long day at work yesterday and just didn't have the energy.

Work is going well. I was in training for 3 days last week and that was really interesting. We learned a lot of "best practices", even if we can't use everything in our day-to-day work because of case load. So that's good. I got my business cards in and I have to admit it's a little scary to see "Assistant Public Defender" under my name. Wow! That's still going to take some getting used to. The rest of this week is judge's conference so there's only 1 district court open. It should be pretty slow around here, which is a good time to catch up on paperwork.

Amily's twins are doing great. I saw them several times over the weekend and I think I'm going to see them tonight as well. They are both gaining weight like champs and are so adorable. They're really good babies, thank God, so apparently they're making up for the really rough time they gave their mommy when she was pregnant. Sleep is still somewhat non-existent since there are 2 newborns that need to be fed every hour, but they rarely cry and usually need to be woken up to eat, which is a blessing. I have a feeling it's much easier to keep your sanity when there's not a screaming infant in your arms all the time. They really don't look much alike, but they are both adorable. Yay, babies!

So last week did not go well. I just had no motivation and was really stressed. But whatever that is inside me that switches to give me motivation started to switch this weekend. I'm still not into everything 100%, but I am feeling better and more on top of my game. I have droned on and on previously about how I am such a creature of habit and routine. And I think one of my problems was that I was settling in to work, but I wasn't doing a good job of establishing a routine. So my goal for this week has been to work on that. I planned all my meals out and then went grocery shopping on Sunday, which always helps me feel better because I know I have lots of healthy choices at home. I cooked dinner and took it over to Amily's on Sunday night, then we had turkey bacon and pancakes (made from a low-fat pancake mix) on Monday night. Last night I made spaghetti. I really do enjoy cooking so it is a boost that I now have the good food to cook. So I got the food part of my routine started again.

Another thing that has been really bugging me is that I haven't been getting up early enough. I end up racing out the door to catch the bus on time, and I really hate that. So this morning I set the alarm on my phone, which is much more likely to wake me up, and got up at 6:30am instead of 7:15am. That way I was able to do stuff around the house before I left for work. I HATE coming home after working all day and having dishes and other house stuff to do when I'm so tired and just want to relax. So last night I did clean up around the house a bit and did the laundry and emptied the dishwasher. Then this morning I emptied the dishwasher again (Chris had filled it last night after dinner) and got the living room picked up some. I also want to get back into my exercise routine. I was doing so well so I'm pretty pissed off that I just stopped. And it's not like I made a conscious decision to stop or anything. So I am going to Jazzercise tonight after work and then I'm going to get up and go early tomorrow morning as well before work. I am planning on running a 5k on Sunday, but I need to go run maybe tomorrow night to just see how that goes and see if I'm going to be able to finish it. I'm on week #4 of the Couch to 5k, so I'm thinking if I really push it I might be able to make it.

So that's basically it. I am trying to climb back on the wagon. I know I haven't been posting much lately, but I really will be better. And I haven't given up on Biggest Loser Blog Edition. I haven't weighed in the past 2 weeks, but I WILL be weighing in on Monday and am ready to start kicking some ass!

Part 2: Refocusing

2008-09-22T09:16:00.006-04:00

I've known this has been coming for awhile. I'm sure no one here has noticed (yeah right), but I have not been exactly on track and focused since after I got "back OP" after the Bar. I feel like I've been telling myself that I've had one foot on the wagon, when really I had been left so far behind in the dust by the wagon that it's not even funny.

More important things first, however. Amily (I'm going to have to think up a new nickname for her since Preggo doesn't work anymore) is doing great. Baby "A" is now called Ryan, and Baby "B" (aka troublemaker) is now known as Connor. They are both adorable! It certainly was not the birthing experience she had hoped for (since the first one came naturally and the 2nd was by emergency C-section), but mommy and babies are all doing well now. Connor's lungs were a little under-developed so he decided to scare everyone to death by needing to be admitted to the NICU on a respirator for some breathing treatments, but he's doing much better now. He got off the breathing tube on Saturday morning, and Mommy and Daddy were able to hold him. I got to hold him Saturday afternoon. Amily and Ryan got discharged yesterday and I think their first night at home went okay. Connor's feeding tube got removed sometime yesterday as well, so Mommy got to feed him with a bottle. They were on their way to the hospital to visit Connor this morning. As of Saturday the doctors were saying he was still going to have to stay in the hospital the rest of this week, but they told Am this morning that he's doing so well he can come home tomorrow, so that's fabulous news. It is not easy on Mom and Dad to have him not at home with them and his brother, but it's certainly a lot easier now that he's doing so much better. For some reason it's not letting me post pictures right now, but these babies are beautiful. Mommy still won't let me take a picture of her, but you can trust me when I say she looks fabulous for all she's been through. I'm so proud of her, and can't wait to watch Ryan and Connor grow up!

So I guess with that update I need to talk about myself. I mean, this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, after all. Unfortunately, weight loss is not something that has been happening recently. I knew the time was coming where I was going to have to shake things up. My wedding is less than a year away and I do want to look a certain way on that day. But more than that I have just been feeling pretty gross lately. I was never able to get back into my OP routine after I took the Bar. I would do okay for a couple of days, but then I was off again. One of my biggest frustrations is that I always can seem to tackle either the exercise piece of it or the eating piece of it, but I can't ever seem to be able to handle both at the same time. Right now, I'm all about my exercise. I actually felt guilty yesterday that I only exercised 3 times last week. I think that is one of my problems: I'm not good at doing good in eating well and exercising in moderation. As much as I hate it, I'm still in the all or nothing mindset. I have to admit, I'm pretty angry and frustrated with myself right now. I feel like I'm way back at the beginning in terms of my mental state. I feel like a "fat" person again.

So, instead of dwelling on how frustrated I am, I'm gonig to talk about what I'm going to do to fix this. I've joined Angie's Biggest Loser Blog Edition challenge. I am all about this challenge because it is a tough love group for those of us who need some tough love in getting this weight off for good. The challenge goes until Dec. 27, 2008. When Angie was talking about this challenge she said there was not going to be any "dropping out" or just disappearing from this one. If you're in, then you're in. I thought that was just what I needed, and I'm in. I want this weight off, and I want to get back in my groove of working hard, feeling good, and seeing results.

So that's where I am. I feel like the past 10 months have been part 1 of my journey, and it's time to begin part 2. I've lost 20 lbs, and while that is great and I'm really happy with that, it took me too long to do it and I've still got a long way to go. So I need to quit focusing on the 20 lbs I've lost and start looking again at the 60-something lbs that I still have to lose. I think the BLBE challenge is going to be great for me, and I'm looking forward to getting to know all the other challengers. So tonight is my first WI and I'm expecting the scale to be high, but at least I know it's a starting weight and I'm going to see it go down again. Here we go!

Exciting News!

2008-09-17T11:45:00.004-04:00

I've just gotten back from the hospital where I was taking Preggo's 9-year-old son to meet his twin baby brothers for the first time! Amily was induced last night and after a very long night, gave birth this morning. This girl is amazing, and I am so proud of her and so grateful she is in my life. She gave birth to 2 little boys: "A" was born naturally and is 6 lbs, 9 oz. "B" was born by C-section and is 6 lbs, 11 oz.

Not only did she graduate law school and take the Bar exam when she was pregnant with twins, but she also got sworn in at 35 weeks pregnant. This is her and her son, Ethan, exactly 1 week ago today when she was sworn in as an attorney in Raleigh.

Today, as she hit an amazing 36 weeks, she delivered her little boys. I don't have pictures of them yet as they were still in the nursery. I can't wait to get my hands on them. Today was just another huge moment of our lives that we have been able to share together, and I am so proud of her (and so glad she can drink again!!). Am, I love you!!

So True...

2008-09-16T10:59:00.003-04:00

Me: I'm so glad I took the bus this morning since it's raining [the bus drops off outside the door to my building, while when I drive I have to park about 5 blocks away and walk]

Chris: and because we don't have money for gas [the bus is free since I'm a state employee]

Chris: ahhh, life after college
is, apparently just like life IN college
but less drinking
and more working

This & That

2008-09-09T20:53:00.006-04:00

1. Food Finds! I have 2 new food finds that I have to share. First, Fat Bridesmaid posted about these Hershey's sticks. They are only 60 calories and come in 5 different flavors. I got the Extra Dark Chocolate ones because I looooove dark chocolate. I took one for lunch today and it was great. It was a perfect treat at the end of my lunch. Chris also asked me to get him some in the milk chocolate flavor (he's not a dark chocolate fan). I told him I would be glad to if he would PUT IT ON THE GROCERY LIST. We are having on-going issues with the grocery shopping. I always have a grocery list on the fridge so I can add things as I think of them. He never uses the list. And even though I always ask him if he needs anything before I go to the store, he almost always says no. Then, the moment I walk in the door with the groceries he asks, "Hey, did you get _______?" NO, you moron, because IT WASN'T ON THE LIST!!! Good grief. We've lived together for over 4 years. WHY is this still an issue?? And I know I'm going to take a lot of shit for this when he reads it, but seriously. Anyone else have this issue??

My other wonderful food find is Smart Ones Canadian Style Bacon English Muffin Sandwich. I bought some just on a whim and was amazed how much I liked them. When I went to the grocery store yesterday I got some more and had one for breakfast today. Yum! These have quickly become a favorite. They are 4 points, but when I made my english muffin with bacon and cheese, those were 4 points as well. And I can eat them in the car which is a plus since I'm usually running a little behind in the morning (as evidenced by me missing the bus yesterday and having to drive 30 miles each way to and from work. Ugh).

2. Work! Work is going really well. I haven't been given my own cases yet, which I am really looking forward to, but I have been helping the other attorneys with their cases, so I'm still getting to court. I LOVE being in court. It really makes me realize that I am in the right job, because I love it. I'm also going to Busch Gardens this weekend with some other women from work. It was supposed to be a big group of us, but one by one people dropped out so I think it's just going to be me and 3 others. But it'll still be a lot of fun. And since Chris has to work all weekend, the timing works out well. I actually wasn't going to go when I realized he couldn't come, but then I remembered that we have never been to the fair or an amusement park together because he doesn't like to ride the rides, which is all I like to do. He likes to walk around and eat the fair food (which thankfully I hate) and see the exhibits and stuff. So when he reminded me that this would probably be perfect, I decided to go. I'm excited!

3. Exercise! I mentioned last week how I had gone a 10-mile bike ride in "training" for the triathlon I'm doing with my cousin on October 19th. Well, I've also decided that in preparation for the triathlon, I'm also going to run a 5k on October 5th. Which means I probably should start training for that. So tonight I'm going to try to come up with a training schedule for the triathlon and the 5k. I'm also still going to Jazzercise 3-4 times per week, which I still LOVE. I went to a class tonight (had a headache all last night and most of today, so I didn't go to my early class this morning) and I am finally getting back to doing "high impact" on almost all of the moves. I'm still working up to it somewhat, but I'm getting close, which definitely makes me happy. I'm also doing another of Jenny's pedometer challenges and I'm at 9,622 steps for today, so I need to go walk around the block or something to get me over 10,000 for the day. Stupid me forgot to put on my pedometer yesterday so I have some catching up to do. Plus, since I had to drive to work today, I had to park way off (so that I can park for free since I am cheap... and poor) so I got about 3,000 steps in just from that. Since I will be on the bus tomorrow (because I can ride the bus for free and I'm cheap... and poor), and the bus lets off right in front of my building, I'm going to have to get some extra steps in to make up for that. And I'm not going to Jazzercise tomorrow, which gives me about 4,000. So I have a LOT to make up obviously.

4. Eating! Eating hasn't been bad, but it hasn't been great, either. I posted on Saturday how I had slept 14 hours on Friday night. Well I slept 12 hours on Saturday night. Holy cow! That's a lot of sleeping. I know I'm still trying to get into a routine, but I feel really pathetic being so tired all the time. I've been eating well, but too much. It was really starting to get to me, too, because I felt like I was eating all the time but still starving. Roni's post yesterday reminded why I am probably feeling this way. I know that when we get tired, our exhaustion can mask as hunger because our body needs energy, and if we're not going to get it from sleep, then it needs it from food! So I felt better after reading that this morning because at least it explains why I've been so hungry all the time. I know I just need some more time to get used to working and get into my new routine, but I HATE being hungry all the time, especially when I know I'm eating plenty.

Okay, that's it for now. I really am going to be back more frequently. Unlike Paul who is pulling a HappyBlogChick and hasn't posted in 7 WEEKS! But anyways. Good night :)

Me = Pathetic

2008-09-06T12:17:00.002-04:00

I knew I was going to have an adjustment time getting used to working full-time again, but wow. By the time I got home from work yesterday I was exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. And then Chris got called in to work last night for a few hours (grrrrrr). I got in bed around 10:15 and fell asleep sometime after that. I have no memory of Chris even getting into bed. And when did I wake up this morning? Well, technically it was afternoon. I finally woke up at 12:02pm. Wow. I haven't done that in I don't know how long. I'm pathetic! But at least I do feel functional again! Of course, it does mean I missed Jazzercise. Argh!

Oh My Aching Feet...

2008-09-04T19:31:00.003-04:00

After 3 days of work, my feet are aching. I haven't worn heels at least since I was in law school (back before I was a LAWYER!!), and it's probably been a while before that as well. Wearing heels all day Tuesday and Wednesday has left my feet on fire.

Other than that, life as a lawyer has been great! I got the letter that I passed on Saturday. Chris and I went out to celebrate on Saturday night at a Japanese steakhouse. It was a lot to celebrate, including both of us starting our new jobs and our engagement. We had a nice time and it was fun to go out and celebrate. On Sunday we mainly just hung around. I went out to dinner with Katy, Katy's Mom, and Preggo (she's 34 weeks yesterday!), and then Chris and I went over to Michael's house (my brother). We had a celebration with Michael and his better half, and my sister, Lillie.

On Monday I went on a bike ride with my cousin who somehow convinced me to do a triathlon with her in October. We went on a ride on the American Tobacco Trail and did a 10 mile ride. It was a flat ride and went really well, but I was pretty tired at the end of it. I definitely couldn't imagine doing a 9-mile ride over lots of hills and then running 2 miles. Whew. I'm going to work on coming up with a schedule for training so I can be ready in just over 5 weeks. The rest of the day was spent running some errands to get ready to start work on Tuesday.

Tuesday I got up early and went to Jazzercise and then went to work. It was a great first day. I rode the bus to work yesterday (Wednesday). I also got my swearing in done yesterday afternoon. My Mom, Dad, and grandmother all came, along with a bunch of people from my office. It was a really neat celebration and I was a little overwhelmed by all the emotions I felt. My Dad presented me to the court and my Mom and my new boss also made comments as well. After work and the swearing in ceremony, we went over to Michael and Rebecca's house for dinner. This morning I went to Jazzercise again (go me!!) and then rode the bus to work. I am enjoying the bus since it's free and I can sit back and read.

Tonight I am by myself. Chris, my future husband, is at work tonight. He had to go back to work at 7:30pm this evening so that he could be trained on what he has to do when he has to work all next weekend. Ugh. He has always been so concerned about how much I am going to work, but he has been the one who is working crazy hours ever since he started his job back in June.

Eating has been going well. Like I thought, staying OP is easier since I started work because I'm at work all day! Since we're still a bit financially challenged, I don't want to eat out. Then I'm stuck with what I've brought to work, and I only bring stuff to work that is OP. So that's getting easier.

Chris just got home, so I'm going to go for tonight. I will be back more often as I get back into the routine. But as of now, everything's going great!!

Worth millions of words...

2008-08-30T16:19:00.003-04:00

TODAY

2008-08-30T11:59:00.002-04:00

Just heard from a friend that results are in the mail today. Oh crap. My mail comes around 3 or 4 pm usually. Oh crap. Luckily Sherry and her husband both passed. Congrats!!! I'll be back when I hear something. Or Chris will if I'm lying in a heap on the floor sobbing.

So Frustrated

2008-08-29T10:08:00.002-04:00

First, Preggo is still preggers. They basically said she was so big that she was just going to be contracting a lot, so she's fine. But one more incident to add to my list of why I will not be going out in public when I'm pregnant: Preggo is sitting in the triage area on the OB floor and an OB nurse then walks by and sees her and says, "Oh dear Lord!" Are you freaking kidding me?? Then she comes back by and asks all these questions about whether she's having twins, etc. Then after Preggo is all checked out and is getting ready to go, the nurse walks by their room and comes in and starts rubbing her hands all over her stomach. After a minute or so of that, she goes, "You don't mind me rubbing your stomach, do you?" It will be a miracle if I'm not arrested when I'm pregnant. I definitely have some personal space issues. And I also have some issues with people being incredibly rude. Anyway.

So I posted the most recent email we got from the NC Bar Association last night, and then this morning a friend emailed me and said she had called the NCBLE (Board of Law Examiners) and they said they weren't mailing results until after Labor Day. So we have no idea when results are coming. And Preggo made a good point: if we don't get results tomorrow (Saturday), then we probably won't get them until Wednesday. We don't get any mail on Monday, and we would probably only get them Tuesday if they mailed them on Saturday, which somehow I don't think is very likely. This waiting is awful, I have to admit. I went into my new office yesterday and got an overview of the office. Literally everything is ready to go once I have my letter. I have to admit that I feel a little like I might be jinxing myself by getting my new job all ready to go, but I haven't really had any other choice. They have been holding this position open since the end of May and desperately need someone there. They need me to start as soon as I can, and now I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs, not having any idea what is going to happen. Can you tell this waiting is taking its toll on me? Ugh!

Anyway, I'm going to go try to keep myself busy. This sucks!

The Latest News

2008-08-28T22:04:00.004-04:00

NEWS UPDATE FROM THE N.C. BOARD OF LAW EXAMINERS –
BAR EXAM RESULTS WILL BE MAILED FRIDAY, POSTED NEXT WEEK

"The N.C. Board of Law Examiners is still completing the process of grading the 1,000 bar exams that were administered July 29-30 in Raleigh. The results for applicants who have completed all other requirements for licensure will be mailed to applicants Friday, August 29, rather than today, August 28. Results will still be posted to the NCBLE Web site on Friday, Sept 5. Applicants are reminded not to call the NCBLE in regard to their bar exam results."

So that's the latest. I'm not even sure what to believe anymore. But if this is correct, I should have my results Saturday. *Sigh*

I'm over at Preggo's house at the moment. She is 33 weeks pregnant with twin boys this week and had to go in to the doctor tonight because of Braxton-Hicks contractions. She called the doctor and they're pretty sure she's fine, but they wanted her to come in and get checked out anyway. So I came over to stay at her house since her 9-year-old is asleep. She and her hubby are at the doctor and I'm afraid they're going to have a pretty late night. She's thrilled to be there, let me tell you!

And can I just say that watching a close friend go through a pregnancy is an eye-opening experience, particularly for someone who has never been pregnant. It's been amazing watching her body change, and horrifying to hear some of the things people say to her. A woman actually walked up to her 2 weeks ago and asked if they could take a picture of her stomach because it was the biggest stomach they had ever seen. WTF????? Are you kidding me? How do people think that saying something like that is appropriate? How do people think it's okay to walk up and touch a perfect stranger's stomach? Ugh. Katy and I have been disgusted. Preggo and I went to Target earlier this week and I found myself looking around and if I caught anyone looking at her, I would glare at them. Yes, I know I'm being sensitive about it. But I think most people would be horrified at some of the things that have been said to her. I just want to look at them and say, "Yeah, she took the Bar exam when she was 6 months pregnant with twins. Got something else to say?" I know people don't mean to be rude, but, as Preggo said, people seem to lose their filter with pregnant women and think that they can say anything they want to. It's not like being pregnant makes their bodies public, you know?

Okay, I'll stop. I'm probably spending the night here, and I guess I'll be stalking the postman on Saturday, instead of Friday. With some luck, I actually will be starting work on Tuesday!

Never Mind... Sigh

2008-08-27T21:10:00.004-04:00

"I e-mailed the class the following yesterday as it was distributed to me by the NC Bar Association.

'BAR EXAM RESULTS WILL BE MAILED THURSDAY, POSTED NEXT WEEK The N.C. Board of Law Examiners has completed the task of grading 1,000 bar exams that were administered July 29-30 in Raleigh. The results for applicants who have completed all other requirements for licensure will be mailed to applicants on Thursday (Aug. 28) and posted on the NCBLE Web site on Friday, Sept 5. Applicants are reminded not to call the NCBLE in regard to their bar exam results.'

HOWEVER, I RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING FROM THE NC BOARD OF LAW EXAMINERS THIS MORNING!

'The information circulated by the NC Bar Association yesterday was incorrect! We are still in the grading process and results will be mailed as soon as possible.'

So, I don't know when your results will be released as there was no time horizon in the NCBLE message. I also do not know where the NC Bar Association got their information, but it was clearly wrong.

Hang in there. Hopefully your results will be out soon."

Waiting for Friday...

2008-08-27T14:41:00.002-04:00

BAR EXAM RESULTS WILL BE MAILED THURSDAY, POSTED NEXT WEEK

The N.C. Board of Law Examiners has completed the task of grading 1,000 bar exams that were administered July 29-30 in Raleigh. The results for applicants who have completed all other requirements for licensure will be mailed to applicants on Thursday (Aug. 28) and posted on the NCBLE Web site on Friday, Sept 5. Applicants are reminded not to call the NCBLE in regard to their bar exam results.

http://www.ncbar.org/eBar/4/3325/index.aspx

Early Morning WI Results

2008-08-26T05:36:00.002-04:00

I went to WI last night, even though I wasn't too excited about it. I don't know why, really. I think that I'd just gotten so frustrated with being back in the "220's" that I had let it shake my confidence in my ability to lose weight, if that makes any sense. So I was driving to my meeting and talked myself into only weighing in and not staying for the meeting. Not really sure why. But then I got up on the scale and the receptionist was like, "Whoa! You're down 5 lbs!" I was really surprised and felt my confidence immediately start to go back up. So I let that convince me to stay for the meeting. And, in case you're wondering, that does mean I'm out of the 220's again. Thank God!

It was a pretty good meeting and my leader, who I really like, was in the room early and she came over and asked how I was doing. It was nice to be able to talk to her a little bit. I knew she had been concerned about me for the past several months since I ran out of that meeting back in July when I was about to fall apart and then hadn't shown up at meetings for the next 4 weeks. So I told her what was going on and that I was feeling now like I was getting back on track. I also showed off my ring (yes I'm still in that stage where I stare at it all the time and show it to anyone who will look!) and talked to her a little about Mom's campaign. So overall it was a great decision that I decided to stay. The one thing that I am a little bummed about is that most of the people that had been coming to that meeting that I really liked aren't coming anymore. I don't know whether they are going to different meetings or what, but I feel a bit lonely in that meeting now. It seemed like everyone there last night was either on their 1st or 2nd week. And then there's me, on week 40. Now I'm definitely the "old-timer." But it was still a good meeting and since I like the leader so much, I'll probably stick with that one for awhile.

Well, in case you're noticing that I am writing this at an ungodly hour of the morning, let me explain. I have been getting back into the Jazzercise thing, thank goodness, but I can't go to my class tonight at 5:30pm because I have a campaign event that I'm going to for my Mom. While last night I toyed with the idea of getting up and going to the early class that I used to go to (6:15am), I haven't been doing that since the Bar because I decided to enjoy the last few weeks I have of being able to sleep in before I start working. Realistically, when am I going to be able to do this again once I start working?? So I decided not to get up early. So we went to bed a little late last night (around 11:45pm), and then I woke up because one of the cats was playing with something and making a lot of noise. Okay, not a lot of noise, because Chris was still sleeping away. But it woke me up. I got up to try to figure out what they were playing with and couldn't figure it out. I didn't want to turn on a light because I didn't really want to wake up too much. So finally I just went back to bed. I noticed that the clock said it was 5:05am. That made me think because when I go to the early class, I get up at 5:15am. I considered treating the fact that I woke up at this time a "sign" that I should go to the class, but then I said screw it and got back in bed. Not 3 minutes later the cats were making the same noise. I got back up and found the piece of plastic that Petey was playing with (and he was really not happy when I took it away from him) and started to get back in bed when I realized I was pretty wide awake at that point. So before I could talk myself out of it, I changed into my work-out clothes and got on the computer. I would definitely say that's a big NSV.

Ok, it's 5:50am now so I need to leave for class in 5 minutes. I better cut this short and get my shoes on so I can get to class on time. Can you tell I'm pretty proud of myself?? :)

Starting Again?

2008-08-24T11:30:00.003-04:00

So I've been having a really hard time getting up the motivation to come here and actually write a blog post, and I haven't been all that sure why. All this past week I've just been in a funk, and not the good kind. And you know what?? I have absolutely no reason to be in a funk of any kind. Let's recap, shall we? This is what has been going on in my life recently, in order of when the events occurred. See if you can figure out why I've been so pissy.

1. I graduated law school from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Now, I hated every minute of law school, but for 3 years I went to class and paid my dues (and tuition, as my loans are now coming due -- yikes!) and I graduated (and I wasn't last in my class). So that is certainly a success.

2. I landed my dream job. In 9 days (September 2nd), I will begin my legal career as a staff attorney in the misdemeanor unit of the Wake County Public Defender's office in Raleigh. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this job. It is literally what I've dreamed about for so long, and it's hard to believe it's actually going to be a reality. I've filled out all my paperwork and I've signed up for the training session I need. Just 9 more days.

3. I took the Bar! Now, it will go down in my life as the most miserable 3 months of my life to date, but I kept my sanity (ok, that's debatable) and I finished the damn exam.

4. I got engaged! The day we were leaving the beach from my post-Bar vacation and coming home, my incredible boyfriend of 5 years, and the love of my life, asked me to marry him with perhaps the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. And yes, I'm very biased. To say I'm excited to finally be able to say we're getting married is an understatement. I do admit that I have certainly been less productive since I got the ring as I do spend a good portion of my day just staring at it ("oooo, it sparkles!!"). But we've set a wedding date of September 5, 2009, and we're very excited about it.

So, as I have been viciously asking myself over the past week, what in the world do you have to be pissy about? As Kathy so eloquently pointed out not that long ago, my life is one big exclamation point (and she said that even before I had taken the Bar and gotten engaged)!! Well, I think I have finally figured it out. It's a combination of 2 things.

1) I am really tired of waiting on Bar results. It has now been 4 weeks since I took the exam and the waiting is really starting to get to me. I know I bitched and moaned and whined on here all summer about how much pressure and stress I was feeling. And I know that a lot of you out there love me and believe in me and are sure I have passed. But the simple truth is that I just don't know. I think I did okay, but let me assure you that people who are much smarter than me have failed this exam. It's possible. I don't like to think about what I will do if I've failed, because I have no idea. But I've never been in a situation before where ONE grade will determine what the next 6 months of my life will hold. This ONE grade will decide whether I get my dream job or not. And unfortunately, with the economy going the way it is, there's no guarantee that this job will be available for me if I didn't pass the Bar and have to take it again in February (the Bar is only offered twice a year). I'm shaking a little as I type this, because I really try not to focus on how terrified I am of failing. If I have failed, I will probably be getting a waitress job for the next 6 months while I study to take this damn exam again. I will be a college and law school graduate and will be waiting tables. That sounds like a very sad existence to me. So I am just ready to know whether I passed or not (ok, I take that back. I'm ready to know that I passed. If I failed, I think I could wait another several months to find that out). My life really is so wonderful right now that I'm just terrified of how I'll feel if I didn't pass. And just so you know, I should be getting the letter this week. We think they mail the letters on Monday, in which case I should get it on Tuesday. But to be perfectly honest, we don't have a freaking clue when they mail the letters, so it could be anytime this week (please GOD let it be this week). Yes, I will be stalking the postman everyday until I get that letter.

2) So while my Bar results are certainly the biggest thing on my mind right now, my weight is also dragging me down (I had typed "weighing me down", but I just couldn't do that to you. Yes, you're welcome). I keep telling myself that I was under more stress the last 3 months than I have ever been under in my life, so 8 lbs shouldn't make a difference. But, unfortunately, it just does. I have now been blogging and doing the WW thing for 40 weeks and I have lost 20 lbs. I thought I would be soooooo much farther along by now. And I don't know if this makes sense or not because I was trying to explain the way I felt to Preggo the other day and was not sure whether I made sense or not, but it's not the fact that I gained 8 lbs that bothers me so much. The part that really gets to me is seeing my weight right now: 222.4. I can't believe I am back in the 220's. August 11th was not the first time I had weighed in at 222.4. You know when the last time I hit that weight was? March 10th. Oh. My. God. On August 11th, when I weighed in at 222.4, I had first hit that exact weight almost exactly 5 months before. UGH! That makes me so incredibly frustrated. So it's not just that I've gained weight that is bugging me. The thing that really gets to me is what my weight now is. Again. This means for 5 months I have bounced around within the same 10 lbs. And it means that I have this same 1o lbs to lose. Again. And that is what is really getting to me. I'm actually excited to WI tomorrow (I didn't go to WW last week because of the before-mentioned funk), but I wish she would just tell me how much weight I've lost, and now my current weight. Because I think I have lost some and I'm excited for that. But if I see another 220-something number, I might scream.

So that's why I've been a little MIA. I could definitely use all the thoughts and positive energy you would care to send this way. Chris, by the way, is still kicking ass on WW. I am so incredibly proud of him. He has a goal weight in mind for the wedding, and so far he is doing awesome at staying on track to get there, even with me being whiny and unhelpful. But, I will say that I am feeling better.

On Friday I went to the grocery store, which was a desperately needed trip. I went to Costco and Kroger, and going there always gets me a little excited about eating healthy again. I have been buying fresh pineapple and strawberries and keeping them cut up and in the fridge to snack on, which I am really enjoying. And I planned some recipes to make and just stocked up on plenty of healthy food, so that got me feeling better. The one thing that did not make me happy was waiting to go to the grocery store until about 7:30pm on Friday night, thinking it wouldn't be very crowded. Well everyone and their brother were there, and there were only 2 cashier lanes open. I sucked it up and got in line. I was about the 5th person in line. After 20 minutes, I was 2nd in line. Then the cashier took that opportunity to tell the woman she was currently checking out to turn around and tell the 2 people in line behind her that she was closing and we would have to move to a different line. I could not believe it. I was really trying not to be a bitch, but seriously?? You couldn't have told me that 20 minutes ago??? So I moved to the next lane over trying not to cause a scene. I then became the 5th person in that line. And the really amazing part is that about 5 minutes before, the clerk in that lane had come and opened up that lane, but I had stayed where I was because most people only had a few items, while my cart was practically overflowing. So I figured I would be nice and stay where I was and let the people with only a few items go ahead and get in the shorter line so they could get done faster. Yeah, see if I do that again. And the cashier in this new lane? Slowest. Cashier. Ever. I am not kidding when I tell you I almost left my cart in line and went and bagged the groceries myself because I couldn't believe how slow he was going. Holy cow.

The other thing that made me feel better is that after 3 weeks, I went back to Jazzercise yesterday. I hadn't been all week because I was in my funk and being lazy and pissy. But yesterday morning I got up and went to class and it felt great. I was, of course, mad at myself that I hadn't been in 3 weeks, but I was also really glad to be back. I'm also planning to go to the 4pm class today as well.

I will stop typing now because I doubt anyone is still reading. But, to end on a positive note, I do feel like I'm getting back in the swing of things. Now I just have to pray I passed the stupid Bar.

Food Finds

2008-08-19T14:54:00.001-04:00

**I actually wrote this post forever ago, but never finished it and actually posted it. So I finally took the time today to finish it up.

I have been meaning to post for awhile with some recent food finds and recipes I am really enjoying. I finally am taking a few minutes to actually do it!

I have been looking for crackers that I like and that are point-friendly since I started WW back in November. Well, last week I finally found them. They are All-Bran crackers. They have 5g of fiber per serving and one serving is 18 crackers. Points-wise they are 2 points per serving. I have them with some Laughing Cow Light cheese wedges (1 point per wedge), and it's a great snack. They are addicting, though, so next time when I buy them I need to go ahead and portion them out into the serving sizes in little sandwich bags.

The new flavors of Fiber One bars hit my grocery store over the past month or so (Oats and Strawberry with Almonds, and Oats and Apple Streusel). I have been looking for them ever since Hungry Girl reviewed the Oats and Apple Streusel and loved them. The only flavor I don't really like is the Oats and Caramel, and that's just because it's too sweet for me. I have now tried both of the new ones and I think they're great. Chris wasn't a huge fan of the others, but he does like both of these new flavors.

Recently I was also looking for some new dessert treats to have. Well I came across these new WW Giant Chocolate Cookies & Cream Bar and had to try them. I got a box and LOVE them (sorry for the bad picture... I couldn't find a good one). They are only 2 points each and they are really big. They also have them with vanilla ice cream, but I love the chocolate. I like to take them out of the freezer and let them sit for about 10 minutes, otherwise they are hard as a rock. They have a "cookie" coating which is good, but messy. Katy, who is not on WW because she is a skinny-minny, tried them because I brought them to her house, and she liked them so much that she has started buying them as well. I am definitely hooked on these.

There are certain foods I refuse to buy fat free. If something is available fat free, I usually get it (milk, for example). But there are some things I just refuse. Mayonnaise, most cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, and definitely ice cream have all fallen into that category. But Roni posted a while back about Breyer's new fat free ice cream and said she really liked it. I decided I needed to give it a try because Chris and I both love ice cream. I don't even remember what flavor we tried first, but we have loved all that we have tried. The chocolate fudge brownie is my favorite so far, but I can't wait to find the Mint Fudge flavor to try. Believe me, I have always thought fat free ice cream was gross, but this stuff is worth a try. Even Chris likes it a lot, which definitely says something.

I admit that I have only recently jumped on the Trader Joe's bandwagon. One of them opened in Chapel Hill last year, I think, and I've only been a couple of times. But Hungry Girl recently posted about Trader Joe's Chili Lime Chicken burgers, so I decided to swing by there today and get some. I had one for lunch when I got home and it was really good. I wasn't sure what to put on it, so I just added some salsa on a hamburger bun. Each burger is 3 points. So I will highly recommend those since I'll definitely be getting them again. If you get Hungry Girl's emails, you may recall that they pulled them off the shelf recently because there were complaints that the nutritional information was wrong. They are back now with corrected nutritional information.

Well I think that's it for now. What food finds are you guys enjoying??

WI Minus 1

2008-08-18T20:21:00.007-04:00

So today was my first real day back on it. I didn't make it to WI today, but I will be going tomorrow instead (hence today is WI day minus 1). I'm also going to Jazzercise tomorrow morning at the lovely hour of 6:15am. My goal is to get 5 Jazzercise classes in this week, which shouldn't be too hard.

So this is my food journal for today. I have to admit, I'm incredibly proud of this since I built it myself using HTML code. Come on. I know you're impressed. Isn't it pretty???

Item	Points Used	Points Remaining
2 Eggo Nutrigrain Low Fat Waffles	2	26
1 c. skim milk	2	24
Amy's Chicago Veggie Burger	3	21
Hamburger bun	3	18
94% fat free popcorn	1	17
WW string cheese	1	16
Jello Pudding	1	15
Taco w/ 3 oz. ground beef (90% lean), sour cream, cheese & salsa	8	7
Breyer's Fat Free Strawberry Ice Cream	1	6
	22	6

So as of right now I have 6 points left for the day. What??? That never happens. Oh well, I'll take it. After this weekend, I probably need a few days of being under my points.

I have to say, Chris is doing awesome. He was within his 44 daily points every day last week and didn't use any of his 35 weekly points, I don't think. He's having his first "WI" tomorrow morning, and I'm excited for him to see how much he's lost. I am so incredibly proud of him, and he is really helping me get some motivation back right now.

I have more to talk about (I mean, when do I not have more to talk about??), but I'll save it for tomorrow. Night :)

I'm here....

2008-08-16T09:06:00.002-04:00

Just here in Atlanta, not in Durham. I know I'm WAAAAAAAYYYYYY behind on emails and commenting and even blogging, but I'll be back in Durham tomorrow and will have 2 weeks with nothing to do except wait for my Bar exam results. Yeah, I know you're jealous. Chris is currently kicking my ass on WW right now, so it's on when I get back tomorrow. But we're having a blast in Atlanta. We went to the Georgia aquarium yesterday which is pretty amazing. Not sure what today holds, but I think Ikea may be involved. Woo hoo! So I will really be back next week with regular updates and trying to get this weight back off. Until then!

Day 2

2008-08-12T20:01:00.007-04:00

So I guess I actually have a whole lot to catch everyone up on. First, and most importantly, I'm engaged! Chris asked me at the beach on Saturday morning, just before we left to come back home. Here is the classic engagement photo showing the ring right after the big moment.

I had NO idea it was coming. He completely shocked me. And I'll tell more about how he asked me, but I have been on the phone and on email telling the story almost non-stop for the last 2 days, so give me a little while to recover and let it sink in some! And here's the ring. Ignore the millions of freckles on my hand and just look at the ring, which I LOVE and Chris picked out all by himself.

We are incredibly excited, although not nearly as excited as our mothers are! We're looking at September 2009, but nothing is definite yet, obviously.

Second, and partly because of the first big news, I am back on the WW wagon. Chris and I both have a certain amount of weight we want to lose before the wedding (wow, it still sounds really weird to say that!), so we knew we wanted to start back on Monday. Yesterday was overall just a hard day. I was hungry all day and it was tough to try to get back in the "losing weight" mindset. I decided to start using Roni's food journal generator, which is awesome! Here's the food journal for yesterday:

Day 1 in Week	Target	28
Food	Points	Count
2 Eggo Nutrigrain Waffles	-2	26
FiberOne Apple Streusel Bar	-2	24
Ham & Cheese Sandwich	-6	18
Fruit	-1	17
WW String Cheese	-1	16
1 c. pasta	-4	12
2 chicken tenderloins	-8	4
Ice cream	-5	-1
Total:	29
Weekly points used: 1 - Remaining: 34 - Overall: Tough 1st day back

Today was a little easier, but still tough. Here's the journal:

Day 2 in Week	Target	28
Food	Points	Count
2 Eggo NutriGrain Waffles	-2	26
1 c. skim milk	-2	24
2 tortilla pizzas	-12	12
Hostess chocolate cakes	-1	11
Balsamic dijon grilled chicken	-4	7
Red potatoes w/ sour cream & cheese	-7	0
Raspberries & cool whip	0	0
Total:	28
Weekly points used: 0 - Remaining: 34 - Overall: Better than yesterday, but still hungry most of the day

So since I went to WW last night, and had to face the scale. I was not excited, as I knew I was going to see a gain. A significant gain. I ended up with an 8.6 lb. gain from my last WI. *Sigh* Definitely not where I wanted to be at this point. But I keep reminding myself that if I passed the Bar, then I really don't give a flip whether I gained 8.6 lbs. or 24 lbs. It will be worth it. Although, as I told Lauren before I went yesterday, I'm sure my ring weighed close to 7 lbs or so. ;)

We're watching the Olympics (well, I am. Chris is, but only reluctantly), so I'm going to go for now. I leave Thursday to go to Atlanta for the weekend to see some family and am SO excited. I'll check back in before I go. Here's to a healthy Day 3!

Memory Tag

2008-08-10T14:15:00.002-04:00

I promise a real update here sometime soon, but until then:

So who reads my blog??

1. As a comment on this post, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember! And if we've never met in real life, leave me a comment of your favorite post I wrote and why it was your favorite.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually really funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

The Beach!

2008-08-06T10:22:00.003-04:00

Hi all! I feel like I am slowly returning to normal. I'm not all the way there yet, as was evident when someone mentioned the word "frolic" yesterday and my heart started racing and I felt my brain whirring to make sure I knew the rule (in case you're interested, an employee who goes on a "frolic" and commits a tort relieves her employer of vicarious liability, but if she is only on a detour, they are not relieved from liability... fascinating, right??). But more and more I find myself taking care of the day to day things.

One of the hardest things about going through the Bar exam was that I wasn't myself: I didn't feel like myself, look like myself, or sound like myself. Several people mentioned this to me and then were afraid I might be upset about it. Actually, I was grateful to hear that, because there were times I didn't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. That unconfident, panic-stricken woman didn't feel like me, so I was glad when others noticed the same thing.

There is something about being at the beach that always restores my soul, and it is doing just that this time. It's very quiet in the house this morning. Beth and Jeff left early this morning, and Lauren and Marc left about an hour later. We had so much fun with them here and really hate that they had to leave so soon. It will be nice for Chris and I to have some alone time, but whenever my family came down to the beach house when I was growing up there were always a bunch of people here. It was always loud and a little chaotic. That's the way I like it here, so it feels odd that it's so quiet and that it's just Chris and me. It also doesn't help that Chris and I both adore the 2 little girls (Elaina and Sofia) and hate that they had to go. Hopefully it won't be another 2 years before we get to see them again. Below is Beth and Elaina, on their way out to take a walk; and Lillie (my sister) and Sofia (Marc & Lauren's daughter).

So since this is a weight loss blog, I guess I should mention weight loss stuff. Before we headed down here I jumped on the scale (I know, I know). Since I had also cheated in early July, I wasn't all that surprised when it showed me up 10 lbs. But seriously. 10 lbs??? Even though I haven't really been exercising down here, except for some short walks on the beach, I feel a lot better. I don't know if I've lost any weight, but the simple fact that I haven't eaten out ONCE since we've been here makes me feel so much better. By the week of the Bar exam, we were eating out all the time, and I was so sick of it. I already feel better physically just because I'm not putting crap into my body all the time. And the really bad part was I wasn't enjoying any of the food. I was eating crap, but it didn't taste good. I was complaining to Preggo that I was upset because I really felt like I was farther along, but when all the stress of the Bar exam hit I felt like I reverted and became that same "fat girl" who turned to food to make her happy. Preggo made the excellent point that even if I did revert back a little, I wasn't enjoying the food. I was mostly eating the crap out of convenience, not really because I wanted it or was craving it. So that did actually make me feel a little better. I've still got a long way to go, but maybe I'm a little farther along than I thought at first.

Well, I'm off to take a walk or something. The weather has been gorgeous everyday, and today is no different. It's hot outside, but the water feels great and there is a nice breeze blowing, so it's not too bad. I love it here! And I'm also excited because the rest of my family gets back today. Michael and Rebecca fly back into Charlotte at some point (not sure what time), and Mom and Dad fly back into Raleigh around 8pm. Not sure when I'm going to get to see them all, but at least I can call them when I want to!

And I'll end with a pic of me and the sister. So glad she's back!

Back to Reality...

2008-08-01T08:19:00.002-04:00

It's been almost 48 hours since I finished the Bar exam. I won't lie; it was a horrible 2 days. But it's over and I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's OVER and not on the fact that I won't know whether I passed or not for at least another 3 and a half weeks. *Sigh*

Yesterday I got up and went to a full body "ultimate" massage with my fantabulous massage therapist. She is incredible, and it was incredible. I fell asleep on the table at one point and she said she just snuck out of the room and let me sleep for 30 minutes. I love that woman!

After that I went to Border's and got some books to read at the beach, since I usually read a ton at the beach. Then I went to get my hair cut. It desperately needed it. I also got some color added in (just highlights), and I'm still figuring out what I think about it. It's fairly subtle, but I still notice a difference so I'm getting used to it. I LOVE the cut, though, so that's nice.

After that I went home and met Chris. We had both realized that we are leaving for the beach tomorrow and neither of us have bathing suits. Hmmm.... that might be a problem. So we went to the Casual Male store in Raleigh and got him one, then to Southpoint Mall to get one for me. The nice thing about waiting to go bathing suit shopping until this late is that all of the suits were at least 50% off, and most had been reduced even lower. The bad part? The selection was minimal. I found 2 suits that are okay. But it reminded me how much I despise bathing suit shopping. Does any woman like it? I mean really? Even women who feel good about their body? I really hate it. It made me deal with the harsh reality that I really have gained weight. Clothes I bought a month ago are uncomfortably tight. My eating really just went to shit, and I'm certainly seeing the effects of it. So that made the bathing suit shopping even less enjoyable than it usually is. But I found 2 that were okay, so we got those. Then I went to New York and Company and got a bunch of tops. I think all the weight I may have gained over the last month might be only in the lower half of my body, because a size XL there fit me perfectly. I even had to go down to a L in a few shirts. That was weird considering I know I have gained weight and that my waist and thighs are bigger. But at least I found a bunch of cute tops that fit me.

So today we just have errands planned to get ready to leave for the beach tomorrow. Lauren, Marc and Sofia are coming down and spending the night with us, then we're caravaning to the beach tomorrow and meeting Beth, Jeff and Elaina down there tomorrow afternoon. I cannot wait to get down there. I also get to see my sister today! She got back into town a little after midnight last night. I welcomed her as the 2nd member of the Reynolds-Elliot family to be in the country. I am going to milk their guilt for leaving me for as loooooooong as possible. So I get to see her at some point today, and can't wait.

Otherwise we're just going to be packing and getting ready to leave tomorrow. Topsail, here I come!

I'm DONE!!!!!!

2008-07-30T22:26:00.002-04:00

and celebrating :)

(well, celebrating by sleeping, but I consider that some great celebration!)

Here Goes Nothing...

2008-07-28T20:18:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting in Raleigh in a hotel room I'm sharing with Katy. Our emotions are going up and down. Panic and nervousness are going up and down. We have to be there tomorrow by 7:45am, so it will be an early morning. I think tonight will be an early night as well. So ready to get this over with, but there's just so much riding on it as well. Here we go...

The Weekend Before

2008-07-26T14:53:00.004-04:00

The past couple of days have been okay. I had been feeling better and more confident about the exam. But today I woke up and reality set in. It's officially "the weekend before." I don't know why that is important except that "the weekend before" always seemed special. Special in a horrible kind of way, that is. When I made my study schedule, I stopped at "the weekend before" because I wasn't sure what I would be doing by that point. My Dad gave me a gift to open "the weekend before." And I woke up this morning already feeling like I was going to throw up. It's officially "the weekend before."

I am exhausted beyond words. I take my sleeping medicine to put me to sleep every night, but I'm still not sleeping well. I wake up constantly, either because I have to make one of my 18 trips to the bathroom that I take each night, or because I'm too hot, or because I'm too cold, or because I hear one of the cats break something, or because... you get the picture. I'm also just mentally wiped. Drained. Done. However you want to put it. I am so ready for this to be over, but I am also terrified or it actually being over. This is hell. And it's even harder to take since the last few days I actually have been feeling pretty good. All I keep thinking is "Please, God, don't make me do this again."

So that's the dirty truth about how I'm doing. Everything else is fine. I talked to my family today. They are in Rome for the weekend. Tomorrow Mom and Dad will be going back to Venice while Michael, Rebecca and Lillie are going down to southern Italy before they return to Venice on Tuesday. Then Lillie heads home on Thursday. I can't wait to see them all. I miss them like crazy, and I'm insanely jealous.

So that's about it. I better get back to it. Please keep sending all the thoughts and good wishes, etc. my way. I really need them to get me through the next 5 days (3 last days of studying, then 2 days of the exam).

8 Days

2008-07-21T10:23:00.002-04:00

Quick post to let everyone know I am still here. I will admit that I am fairly miserable and feeling a level of stress I have never felt before. Trying to keep my sanity and keep breathing. I am studying 10-12 hours a day. My only breaks are Jazzercise, therapy, and eating. My eating has gone to shit, but I am trying not to focus on that right now. I am going insane with the Jazzercise (7 class a week at this point, and I'm thinking about going twice a day some days this week), so I'm just praying that counteracts some of the shit I've been eating. I am so ready for this to be over. Me, Chris and John (Lillie's boyfriend) are the only ones still left in the U.S. Mom & Dad, Michael and Rebecca and Lillie are all in Venice now. I miss them like crazy. I am just tired of studying and tired of doubting myself and feeling so stressed. Just 8 days left to slog through.

13 Days Check-in

2008-07-16T08:25:00.004-04:00

So Chris might be banned from writing anymore blog entries after his last one was all geeked out. Now you all see what I *really* deal with and why I have at least 5 computers running in my house at any one time.

I just thought I would check-in and let you know that I'm doing okay. I made a big decision last week. I decided that I was not going to go to WW to WI until after the Bar. I didn't think I could ignore that my last 2 breakdowns happened after each gain. It made me realize that I was really combining all the emotions of my weight loss with studying for the Bar. That combined was just too much to take. I originally decided to try to keep losing weight while I was studying because I thought it would help me by giving me something positive in my life to focus on and be excited about. After last week, it wasn't working anymore. As Preggo said, it was time to re-evaluate and stop doing anything that was not helping me. So I made that decision and have been very happy about it. I am still going to Jazzercise an insane amount. In fact, I added a 2nd class on Saturdays and since I'm not going to WW on Monday evenings I am going to go to another Jazzercise class, so that will mean I'm getting 7 classes in per week. I know, I'm obsessed.

Overall I'm doing okay. There are 13 days until the Bar. I'm exhausted, and EXTREMELY sick of studying, but am doing okay. My Dad and I have worked out a study schedule which gives me more confidence because I can see that I'm going to hit all the subjects at least twice more before the test. As I told Katy yesterday, I'm just really tired of sitting on my ass. That's pretty much all I do (besides Jazzercise), and I'm sick of it. I even asked Chris to take over cooking dinner, and he's been great. He despises going to the grocery store, so this was a big step for him. I offered to help him plan some meals and make a grocery list so he would only have to go to the grocery store once this week (which is the way I do it). Instead, he said he wanted to just go everyday to get what he needed for the meal that night. That made no sense to me. He said that he doesn't mind running in to the store to just get a couple of things as much as he does spending an hour in there getting a whole list. Uhhh, okay. I still don't really get it. I would never cook if it meant I had to go to the grocery store everyday. But whatever. But he has been wonderful at taking things over so I have even more time to study (oh joy). He's actually a really good cook, too. Especially when he follows recipes and sets timers :)

My Dad is still on this continent, but he won't be for much longer. My sister has apparently had an amazing time in Thailand, and leaves in about 24 hours to spend 24 hours traveling to Italy. My Dad leaves on Sunday. My brother and Rebecca are currently in Greece (or that's the last I heard from them), and I think my Mom and sister are going to meet them in Croatia for the weekend after Mom picks Lillie up from the airport in Venice. Then they'll all come back to Venice and Dad will meet them there on Monday (their time). *Sigh* It's so not fair.

Okay, I've got to get back to the books. This exam is hell, but it'll be over in just over 14 days (it's a 2-day exam). Thank heavens.

One more time, with feeling...

2008-07-13T22:30:00.008-04:00

Please don't misconstrue my presence here once again as an implication that Caroline is anything other than fine right now. I realize my contribution so far was only while she was feeling miserable, but apparently, I have a +1 Quill of Mighty Humor (that Geek Moment{TM} was sponsored by Paul, since he actually got my reference last time) and Caroline, recognizing this, has decided to put me to work writing the occasional blog entry. Personally, I think she's just trying to improve her Google page-rank; once word gets out that the (utterly humble) next Hunter S. Thompson is a contributing writer for Caroline's Commitment, the crowds will come flocking in.

Actually, my writing is probably more Gonzo-the-Great than gonzo journalism. But I'm OK with that.

Caroline is doing as well as she could for someone with an imminent soul crushing exam. Though fully 60% of her immediate family (or 50% of the IF+significant others) are overseas at the moment (Utterly hating Venice, I might add. And who wouldn't, really?) she celebrated her 26th birthday among friends and father this past week, and had a really good time. Caroline and I also splurged a little and went to the Melting Pot on her actual birthday. I, being the dashing, debonair, (and humble) gentleman that I am, gave her an afternoon at the spa, redeemable either before or after the afore-mentioned soul crushing exam whenever she needs to relax a little. And even though Amily - I mean Preggo - and Katy beat me to the punch with their day at the spa like Mike Tyson vs. Winne the Pooh, I still think she liked it. (And ladies... you may have won this round, but watch your back. My l33t ninja skillz never sleep.)

Today, Friday, (ed. - for that is when I actually wrote this post, even tough I'm just getting around to posting tonight) or as I have started referring to it, T-minus 3 days to emotional breakdown, we're going to Caroline's cousin Dee Dee's birthday party (yeah, the two birthday's I've mentioned so far? Not it by a long shot. Apparently (and I will have to give credit to JoAnn for this) October is when the nights start getting colder. It should be a lot of fun. A lot of Caroline's extended family will be there from waaaaaay out of town (not as far as Venice, but then who would want to go to Venice anyway?).

Recently, Caroline made some flash cards to prep for the soul crus-- eh, you get it by now –the bar, the benefit of said cards being to allow me to, oh joy of joys, become involved with studying for the bar (just kidding, Caroline). So on the way down to her parent's house for birthday dinner with friends and father, I did just that. Caroline did really well! I quizzed her on ... something long and legal ... and whatever it was that we talked about, she got almost all of the questions right! I was really proud of her (but of course, I couldn't let it go to her head, so I commenced Operation: Tease Unmercifully).

Side note: Caroline actually got me to commit to a timetable for withdrawal from Operation: Tease Unmercifully about a month ago claiming that I was "no longer allowed to tease {her} after July 1st". Well, you can see I broke that treaty, but she swiftly moved to require a hasty retreat regardless of conditions on the ground by playing the "But it's my Birthday" card. Mission Accomplished.

Side-side note: Apparently Caroline thinks that the "But it's my Birthday" card is actually a "But it's my Birthweek" card. I'm probably as much to blame since I let her get away with it, but be prepared. That's all I'm saying.

Along with the flash cards, Caroline has started wanting me to be involved in the bar studying in other ways, such as taking the practice tests so that when I fail miserably she can feel better about how when she does. Such a sweet woman; how lucky I am! I told her I would take the exam if she would install Apache from source and setup a vhost with Tomcat and Java from scratch (can you guess what I do for a living?). She did not appreciate that plan.

Speaking of geeky computer stuff, I (completely geeked out – and yes, that's the technical term) wrote a program in Perl that calculates Weight Watchers points from input on the command line. It's not much to see now, but it's pretty cool (and each time I say so, I edge farther and farther away from ever being seen as 'Cool' again). The beauty of that, though, is that I can convert that to a program that runs on a website, so soon enough, I'll get the calculator up on Caroline's site. The really cool thing about Weight Watchers' plans are that they're practically made to be tracked electronically, so I think in the future I'll expand the calculator to keep track of daily points and what the food actually was so that it can print out Caroline's food journal automatically to the website each night. Cool huh?

I'll release it all under the GNU license (for those of you geeky enough to care) when it's finished.

Anyway, that's my post for now. Hopefully I will be invited back again, despite giving away Caroline's deep, dark, mean-streak secret. :)

Good Night!

-Chris

I'm Not Disappointed in You, I'm Disappointed in Your Choices...

2008-07-08T08:30:00.002-04:00

I heard this all the time growing up. My Mom would always get really mad when my Dad would say anything like "What's wrong with you?" or "What's the matter with you?" She would always say, "Nothing's the matter with her, she just made bad choices!" So in an effort to not verbally beat the shit out of my body, I thought I would take some time to explain that I'm not disappointed in my body, just in the choices it seems to be making as of late.

Dear Body,

Hi there. You know me, right? I know we have somewhat of a love-hate relationship. I mean, we're kind of stuck together, but we don't always get along. Maybe it's the situation like it was for me and my brother when we became great friends after we stopped living together. But that's not an option for us, so we are going to have to figure something else out.

Now trust me on one thing: I know I have not always treated you well. Okay, I know I have treated you pretty damn badly for a large part of my life. And I really do feel bad about that. Haven't you noticed over the past 7 months how I'm trying so hard to change that??? I know 7 months doesn't make up for years of abuse, but it's a start, right? Since there were years of abuse, I do understand that the weight isn't going to come off overnight. Over the past 33 weeks I have lost 28.6 lbs. Now, I admit that I really wanted to be farther along by now. But I'm okay with where I am now as long as I can keep making that number bigger. I know life interferes and that, again, I haven't always made the best choices.

What I'm not okay with and what I am really not happy about is that you are choosing to keep putting weight back on when I have finally gotten my ass moving. Since I started working out on May 20th, I have lost 6.2 lbs in 7 weeks. My first 7 weeks on WW (Nov. 26th - Jan. 9th) I lost 8.2 lbs. I was walking some, but that was about it. It wasn't consistent. Oh, and that 7 weeks happened to have Christmas smack in the middle of it and I was on vacation for 2 weeks. Now that I have worked out 26 times in the past 7 weeks and had no holidays (well, except for July 4th that I didn't really celebrate), I've lost 2 lbs less. See why I'm frustrated?

I do admit that I have not been journaling like I should. But I'm still eating a lot better than I did over Christmas, yet I'm still gaining. I'm working my ass off (not literally, unfortunately), yet I'm still gaining. I go to one of my favorite restaurants for the first time in 3 years, make the "good" choice and get a salad (which was awful, by the way, thanks for that as well) and I still gain this week. I don't get it. What else do you want me to do??

Wouldn't you rather have a little less weight? Then when we're doing the moves in Jazzercise you won't have your thighs flopping back and forth? We could maybe get the double roll of fat on your stomach down to one? You could wear the rest of the clothes in your closet. It will be great. But I can't do it alone. I know I'm not always perfect and don't always make the best choices, but I really am trying. If you could just give me a little bit of help, I think we could make some HUGE changes.

So I really need you to get back on the wagon with me and let the weight go. I am definitely doing my part, so I need you to do your share as well. Okay? If not.... well, there are going to be problems. By the way, the other reason I really need your help is because you know our old buddy mental health? Yeah, she's not doing so hot. She is hanging on by a thread. If you can get a little more work done, I think that would really help her out.

Thanks so much, and I can't wait to start seeing less of you in the next few weeks...

Caroline

Still Truckin'

2008-07-03T15:14:00.004-04:00

I'm taking a break from studying to post since I haven't been here all week. I'm glad you all enjoyed "meeting" Chris and reading his post. However, I have already told him that he can't post again since apparently he is so much funnier and entertaining than I am. And WAY more so than he is in person (hah, just kidding baby!).

But honestly, as so many of you very correctly pointed out, I do consider myself extremely lucky. He really is wonderful, and I'm grateful that he loves me. I consider that the one blessing of being in one bad relationship after another for, oh, say, 21 years. From the very beginning I really did, and still do, realize how good I have it. I might have already told this story before, but I really will never forget the day Chris said I was laid back. We'd only been dating a few weeks, and I thought that I needed to find a justice of the peace and get married that MOMENT before he realized that I am actually neurotic as hell. Almost 5 years later and I'm still looking for that damn justice of the peace. But luckily I think he's seen most of my neuroticism (is that even a word??) over the years, and he's not running away screaming yet. I'm cautiously optimistic that I'm safe :)

Chris did a perfect job of explaining my day on Monday. We were taking a practice multistate exam and Amily, Katy and I decided to take it at my house (long story - the power went out in the building we were supposed to be in for the 4th time in 1 month). After we were done and we graded it I was horrified at how badly I had done. I was trying not to be too upset about it, but I wasn't happy. Amily asked if I was still going to WI that night and I said yes, and then joked that I needed to warn the receptionist that if she gave me a bad number that I was going to fall apart. Well, I've been going to the same meeting since I started back in November, so I know the receptionist and the leader at my meeting pretty well, so I really could say that to her. Of course the receptionist wasn't there Monday night. I really would have and she would have laughed with me and then encouraged me not to really lose it when she had to tell me I was up. But she wasn't there and it was someone I didn't know. She told me I was up and I was really disappointed, but not all that surprised. I went into the meeting and sat down and made it 5 minutes before I knew I really was going to lose it. I tried to get myself together on the drive home, but I walked in and Chris looked up and said, "How'd it go?" all cheerful and supportive and that was all she wrote. I really did give "a sob and a wave of her hand" and run into the bedroom. Damn him for being so cheerful and supportive.

So it was just too much. In my head I know I'm being irrational. In my head, I know that I had a huge loss last week and so it's not a surprise that I have some of a rebound gain this week (even though I ate really well and went to FIVE Jazzercise classes for a total of 40 APs). In my head, I know that even though I keep saying "but I've NEVER had a rebound gain", I also realize that I've also never had a loss that big, so I have nothing to compare it to. In my head, I know that my body feels exponentially better and that I can really feel the muscles in my arms and abs, so who cares what the scale says? In my head, I know that just because I didn't do as well on the practice test as I wanted to doesn't mean I'm going to fail the Bar. And in my head, I know I could probably be a lawyer in Australia if I tried (although, in my defense, what I meant was that I had gone through 3 years of law school in THIS country and was still having a hard time getting licensed, so how would I ever get licensed in a country that I didn't go to law school in??? - okay, it makes sense to me, anyway). But somehow those feelings don't get translated into what I actually feel as I'm panicking.

I've spent the past 2 and a half days going over my practice test, painfully slowly, question by question. I've gone through 3 of the 6 subjects covered and am about 25% of the way through the 4th subject. *Sigh* It's a long process, but I do feel like I'm learning more and understanding what I did wrong. I have another practice test next Friday, July 11th. Thank god it's not the same day as WI.

In other news, my grandmother is currently on a plane bound for Rome, along with my 2 cousins and aunt and uncle. My Mom leaves on Saturday for Venice. I got an email from my sister in Thailand and it sounds like her trip is simply unbelievable. I can't believe all she is experiencing and she seems to be embracing it all. For those that don't know, my sister is about the pickiest eater ever. I'm not a great eater, and I totally confess to that. But my sister is really terrible. Well, she was assigned a subject for her story (she's on a photography trip with UNC to Thailand and they were each assigned a story to document in photographs) and she went and spent the night with his family. This area of Thailand is in extreme poverty (she slept, along with the rest of the family, on a mat under a mosquito net in their hut!) and so they eat fish that they catch at every meal. Apparently the head of the fish is considered the best part so they were really excited to give it to her. I can't even imagine. She said she got most of it down while drinking a lot of water. I seriously don't know that I could have done that! Wow. My brother is still in Germany, I think, but will be heading to Italy by this weekend or early next week to meet my Mom and Grandmother in Venice. My Dad heads to Venice on July 20th and I think my sister gets there from Thailand around the same time. It's really going to be a fantastic trip for all of them. No, no bitterness here at all.

So, how am I doing now? I'm doing okay. I'm trying to build up some confidence and just trying to keep pushing on down the road. I did make a therapy appointment for tonight, and I'm planning on taking all day tomorrow off. Wow, it's hard to comprehend that. I'm probably going to take all of Saturday off as well because Amily is taking me and Katy to the SPA!!! I am so excited about that. "They" say to enjoy a little break on July 4th, because after that you're supposed to do nothing but eat, sleep, and study. Forget a 50 hour per week job. We're supposed to treat studying like a 100 hour a week job after July 4th. *Sigh* Isn't it exciting! :) But I am ready to get it D-U-N, DONE! I have my interview with a lawyer here in Durham on Monday (I think) so as long as he clears my moral character (no laughing), then that's one more step closer to getting my license.

As far as my weight, I am still bummed about my gain. It took me back under a total of 30 lbs lost, which just seems cruel. On the bright side (because, as you know, I am all about looking at the silver lining), I didn't "celebrate" my 30 lbs lost at WW because I had a horrible headache that day, so I will now get to celebrate it when I pass that mark for the 2nd time. And can I just say, once again, that rebound losses are SOOO not fair. It is so painful to work your ass off (literally!) and see half of what you lost the week before back on the scale. But, just like the Bar, this is a long road so I'm just going to keep on trucking.

I have had some NSVs that I have neglected to report. I went through all my clothes again this weekend and have another huge garbage bag of clothes that don't fit anymore to take to Goodwill. I went through all my "small" clothes to find the ones that fit me now that didn't fit me 2 months ago. Well, when Mom and I went shopping last week, I discovered I am officially in a size 16 pants. I was thrilled. When I went through my clothes, I got rid of all of my Lane Bryant clothes (even though most of them were size 14/16, but they still didn't fit - but that's a rant for another day). I am really a size XL in tops and 16 in pants, and it feels soooo nice. I know this was probably all in my head, but I hated when I was shopping with someone else who was smaller than me or was looking for a present for someone and would have to go in a store where I couldn't wear any of the clothes. I always felt like the people that worked there and other shoppers were looking at me and thinking, "what is she doing here? She can't wear any of these sizes." It's so much nicer to walk into a store and really feel like I belong there and that I can pick up anything and have it at least fit me, even if it doesn't look good. I also stop realizing how big my clothes are on me until I try on clothes that really fit me. I was wearing a size 18 pair of jean shorts (well, I still wear them because they do still technically fit) and thought they were fine until I tried on a pair of 16 shorts at the store. It was like a realization of oh, that's what it's supposed to look like! Such a nice feeling.

Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement. I wish I could say I'll be fine now, but I think it's going to be a long July. Have a Happy and Healthy 4th :)

Now THAT'S dedication...

2008-06-30T20:51:00.003-04:00

It's Monday evening, and Caroline has informed me, her significant other, Chris (you've read about me) that her legions of fans get testy if she doesn't post after a Weigh-In. I'm not actually sure if testy is the word she used; her voice was a little muffled at the time (see below).

I came home today to find Caroline sitting on the couch playing Brain Age on my Nintendo DS. In retrospect, I think that choice of entertainment should have tipped me off that something was wrong. But, being blissfully ignorant, or as I like to think of it, having failed my saving throw against Detect Imminent Breakdown, I continued on asking how her day went, how the boys were, etc.. and generally ignoring all the classic signs the likes of which Amily, er ... Preggo? ... would have recognized as the red flags they are from the other side of Durham. Maybe even Raleigh.

It wasn't until Caroline left and subsequently returned from Weigh-In that I realized something was wrong. I'm not sure what tipped me off, but the tears are probably a good guess. Those of you who know Caroline know that she doesn't like to immediately talk about what's wrong when she's feeling down. Or angry. Especially at me. So it was with a sob and a wave of her hand that she retreated into the bedroom.

This is where being a guy gets tricky, contrary to popular belief which holds that being a guy is tricky merely because you're eligible for the draft and have a preference for playing violent, full contact sports. It was at this point that I was required to perform a tricky balancing act, weighing on one hand Caroline's need to cry and get her frustrations out, and on the other, going in to stop her from crying before she gets a headache, which I don't need to tell you...complicates things.

Are you still with me? Because this is where you all get to hear the things that you come to this blog to hear: how Caroline is doing.

It turns out that Caroline did a practice bar exam today, and it did not go well. She scored lower that she would have liked, and I concede, low enough to not be horrible but still cast some doubts about the upcoming "Real Life" bar exam. (To be clear, the doubts cast by said score are not my own; I think she'll be fine.)

That is why, when I came home this afternoon I had the bad fortune to miss all the giant, communist red flags that Amily ... Preggo ... probably saw glowing and waving on the horizon from her front yard on the other side of Durham while she desperately tried to call to warn me and, failing that, raged at the earth and the sky at her inability to inform me about my impending failed saving throw against Detect Imminent Breakdown.

Go ahead and top that off with a 2.2lb gain at Weigh-In. Not good.

So that brings me to Caroline, sprawled upon the bed in the style of a broken-hearted princess in a fairy tale, or a 16 year old girl in a bad 80's movie. And while I try to joke about it, it's a sight like that which breaks my heart a little inside, because I can't imagine someone as great as Caroline suffering from so much self-doubt and anxiety about the future. You all know. I'm preaching to the choir.

After a few minutes of rubbing her back and brushing the hair from her face as she sobbed, Caroline started to feel better. I think at some point I may have promised to never move, ever, and if we did, never to move to a state where she would have to take the bar again. I may also have promised not to move to Australia, because, and try to follow the logic here, if Caroline couldn't pass the bar in North Carolina (which she hasn't attempted yet, and hence, not failed), then she couldn't pass the bar anywhere else in the United States. And if she couldn't pass the bar anywhere else in the United States (which, again, she hasn't attempted and hence not failed) she wouldn't be able to be a lawyer in Australia (because, apparently, it must be harder to pass the bar in Australia than in North Carolina) and so, she wouldn't have a job and we would be destined to live in poverty, fearing at any moment that we might be mugged by rabid kangaroos as we wander naked and aimless in the outback.

To which I replied that seeing as Australia was once a penal colony, all the inhabitants are already criminals and have, by virtue of the fact that they're in Australia, lost their last appeal and so she wouldn't have a job there, anyway.

(Australia? I'm sorry, you know I love you baby.)

This is also the point at which I agreed to write her blog update for tonight because you all get testy? maybe? (See...Caroline mumbles a little when she's just been crying, so it was hard to tell.) when there is no blog post on Weigh-In night.

So here I am, and there was your post, and Caroline is doing fantastic and looks great, and thank you all for being so supportive of her. I appreciate so much what you're doing for her with all your encouragement and support.

Thank you, and goodnight.

-Chris

Tag

2008-06-27T21:14:00.003-04:00

Ugh, it's been a crappy day. I did get to go shopping with my Mom, which was wonderful. I got new clothes that fit me! And my brother called from Germany. It was GREAT to talk to him, even if it was just for a second. I miss him and I am sooooooo jealous. Today is also Rebecca's birthday (brother's girlfriend). I would wish her a happy birthday, but I spent my 20th birthday in Germany with the same family they are with right now, so I KNOW she is having a fantastic time. That bitch.

Anyway, I don't feel like whining about how much studying for the Bar sucks and how many mini-panic attacks I've had today, so I thought I would actually respond to being tagged by Jenny. This one doesn't require me to be creative, so I'll do it.

Ten Years Ago... I was about to turn 16 and LITERALLY counting down the days. I have NEVER been so excited about a birthday as I was to finally turn 16. If I remember correctly, my brother was in Russia that summer (or at least I'm pretty sure he wasn't in NC). We had a party and our wonderful friends Susan and Jack brought me a bottle of champagne, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. My Dad gave me a card that said "Think: turn signal. Think: stop sign. Think: headlights. Think: just think." I still have that card. Besides turning 16, I was also going into my senior year of high school and was drum major of the marching band for the 2nd year. My depression was under control for the most part and I was feeling pretty good.

Five Things on Today's To-Do List... Since today is almost over, I'll give you tomorrow's to-do list. Get car washed (it's really gross), fold and put away laundry, empty dishwasher, pay bills and rent, and pick up prescriptions from pharmacy. Oh, and then there is: learn torts, property, civil procedure, evidence, contracts, constitutional law, sales, agency, commercial paper, corporations, equity, mortgages, professional responsibility, criminal law, family law, secured transactions, suretyships & liens, trusts, will, and criminal procedure. Hmm, that was more than 5, wasn't it?

Snacks I enjoy... fat free no sugar added fruit popsicle bars (0 points!), Fiber 1 peanut butter bars (and cannot WAIT until their 2 new flavors hit my grocery store), Laughing Cow light cheese, WW string cheese (1 point!), and Hostess 100 calories chocolate cakes (1 point for 3 cakes!)

Places I have Lived... Winston-Salem, NC (until I was 18), Clemson, SC (college), Washington, DC (for 1 year after college), Chapel Hill, NC (first 2 years of law school), and Durham, NC (for a little over a year now)

Things I would do if I were a Millionaire... Pay off my student loans and credit cards, buy a house, buy a new car, go to Europe with the rest of my freaking family this summer, go visit Chris' family a lot more often (Colorado and Oregon), not worry about how much organic food costs at the grocery store, take a vacation with Chris (since in 5 years we have only been on ONE vacation alone together), TRAVEL

See, wasn't that better than hearing me whine about how I'm not in Europe?? I thought so. But don't think you're going to be that lucky tomorrow...

Oh, and I tag Sarah, Kate, Paul and Mellissa

Whew

2008-06-26T21:45:00.003-04:00

Once again, when Chris fusses at me for not posting, I know it's been entirely too long. This week has been exhausting, to say the least. On the plus side, we finished our last day of substantive review in my Bar review course today. Tomorrow we have an essay writing workshop and on Monday we have a simulated multi-state exam. After that, we're done and we're on our own until the exam on July 29th (33 days from today, by the way).

I've gotten in 3 Jazzercise classes this week. I went Tuesday morning, then Wednesday afternoon and this morning. I tell you (and yes, I know I've said this several times before), the Wednesday night-Thursday morning classes just about do me in. I am actually getting to the point where I'm not so sore after each class, which is great. But on Thursdays I am still just exhausted. 2 classes within 12 hours is still just too much for me. But I guess I'll keep plugging away. This week, in particular, I have felt like I can really tell that I am getting in better and better shape. I am actually starting to push harder by doing the "higher intensity" options that the teacher gives, so that feels good. Okay, it actually doesn't feel good at all, but I'm glad that my stamina is increasing.

Okay, I actually have several things to talk about, but it's late. I've also been tagged by Jenny, and while I've always ignored tags before, this one doesn't require me to be creative, so I might actually do it! Thank god for Fridays!

Awesome WI

2008-06-23T18:37:00.002-04:00

Wow, I was hoping for a loss. But definitely was not expecting a 4.4 lb loss. Guess all my exercise is kicking in. Hell yeah! I now have lost 31.4 lbs. I have 56 lbs left to lose to reach my goal. That is DEFINITELY going to keep me motivated. 100s, here I come!

Yikes...

2008-06-23T13:07:00.004-04:00

I knew it had been awhile since I had checked in, but I didn't realize it had been a week. Oops! Last week was a mixed bag. I got in 4 of my 5 Jazzercise classes. Eating was good and bad. We went out to eat with my sister on Thursday night to say good bye to her (just got an email that she arrived in Thailand!). We went to the Cheesecake Factory and I got a grilled chicken sandwich and then split a piece of cheesecake with the sister. On Saturday night, Chris and I went to Olive Garden with Katy. It was soooooooo good. But I was pissed because it was the first time in a VERY long time that I ate so much I was in pain when we left. Ugh. I don't mind going "off plan", but I ate way too much and I was much more upset about that than what I ate. I guess I still need to keep it in perspective, though. The fact that I had forgotten how awful that "stuffed" feeling is really shows how far I've come. I used to get that feeling probably once a week. At this point, I don't even remember the last time I ate that much and felt that way. Guess I really have made some progress. I need to keep that in mind instead of beating myself up about this.

Last week was horrible. It was a really long week with a lot of subjects I know nothing about. This is our last week of new subjects. Next week we have a simulated multi-state exam and then spend 2 days going over the exam. After that, we're done with our classes and we're in independent study until the exam itself.

I woke up this morning with a massive headache, so I am going to keep this short. I'm planning on making it to WI tonight, but if I don't feel any better, I'm not sure I will. I'll check back in after WI tonight.

And again...

2008-06-17T21:49:00.005-04:00

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am so freaking tired. This studying thing wears me out down to my bones. And it's worse on Tuesday and Thursday nights because I get up at 5:30 am on those mornings, so by this point I'm ready to drop.

Tomorrow is Corporations in Bar review. I am really dreading this. Yesterday was Sales and today was Agency & Partnership. They actually weren't as bad as I was afraid they would be. But I never took Business Associations in law school, so I think tomorrow is going to be brutal.

Eating was fine today. Here's the journal:

And I'm sorry to everyone that I haven't been commenting on blogs. I'm reading them, I swear, just too brain dead to comment very often.

My head is MUCH better today, thank goodness. I can still feel the knot and it's still painful to the touch, but now at least I don't notice it unless I touch it. I don't feel like I have a bruise stretching across my whole face anymore. And to answer some of the questions in the comments. Yes, I got my eyes checked just a few months ago and got brand new contacts and glasses, so that's not a problem. And I've had bunches of neurological tests done ever since I was little because of my headaches and they've never found any problem, so I think I really am just a klutz. I'm not going to the doctor until I start working in the fall (and get state insurance, baby!*), but I'll be sure to mention it to the doctor then. Thanks for the concern!

I went to Jazzercise this morning and it was just one of those mornings. I really didn't want to be there and I just wasn't into it and I felt like my body just didn't want to move. It felt like it took so much effort to make my body do anything. I hate those days! I know even the people who are in the best shape (which I clearly am NOT) have those times when their normal workout is just harder than usual, and that's definitely what happened to me today.

I'm in such a blah mood. I had a therapy appointment on Sunday and she was asking how I was doing and I said "fine." And I realized that sums up this summer. I have nothing to look forward to for the next 6 weeks (6 weeks from TODAY in fact!). Every day just kind of bleeds into the next. I'm not really depressed or unhappy or anything. I'm just bored and tired of studying and ready to be really happy about something again. I know I'll get through this. I'm just ready to be done with it already! And it doesn't help that the parade of my family leaving the country has begun. My brother and his girlfriend flew to Germany yesterday, my sister leaves for Thailand on Saturday, my grandmother, aunt and uncle and 2 cousins all leave for Italy on July 3rd, my Mom leaves for Italy on July 5th, and my Dad leaves on July 20th or so. SOOOO not fair.

Okay, on that depressing note I'm going to bed. I will have to say that one thing I really have missed about not working out is that whole-body, fall into bed exhausted feeling when you go to sleep that night. You know what I'm talking about?

* How do you know you're an adult? When you get excited about new medical insurance. Wow, that's sad.

WI Results

2008-06-16T20:16:00.003-04:00

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for the "kind" *cough, cough* comments about my mishap with my head. Today it feels like there is a huge bruise covering half of my face. You still can't see it, but it has hurt all day. Stupid head. I was telling my mother about it and I think she was telling me how sorry she was and how bad she felt about it, but I'm not positive because she was laughing so hard.

Anyway, I had WI tonight and was down 1 lb. That brings my total loss to 27 lbs. I'm obviously happy with a loss, but I have to admit I was hoping for more. Although, even as I was hoping for more, I was thinking about the last time I was really good and exercised 5 times one week and only lost 0.8 at WI. The next week, however, I lost 3 lbs. So I'm really hoping that next week I see a really good loss. I am REALLY ready to hit another milestone, and that requires losing 3 more lbs. It is a little irritating that I earned 40 activity points last week (did you get that? That is 4-0... FORTY APs!) and only lost 1 lb (see also Things I'm Not Pissed About). But whatever. I'm just going to stick with it. I do know that the scale will eventually catch up. I guess I'm just more of an instant gratification person. I'm planning on getting my 5 Jazzercise classes in again this week, and hopefully I won't have so many unexpected things come up.

So how did I do on my perfect week last week? Pretty good, I must say. Considering I ate out 4 meals last week (which I NEVER do), I think I did great. I even ate Papa John's pizza on Friday night and counted everything and stayed within my points 100%. Thank god it wasn't another pizza fiasco like last time. The other times we ate out I got grilled chicken in a wrap or a sandwich and no alcohol. This week we have no plans. Besides that being really pathetic, it will allow me to get plenty of work done and not stress about eating out.

I have other things I was going to mention, but I need to get some work done for now. I'm trying to forget how exhausted I feel, how much my freaking head is throbbing, and how my brother and his girlfriend are currently on a plane bound for Frankfurt, Germany where they will travel around Germany, France, Italy and Greece for the next 6 weeks. *Sigh*

More tomorrow...

You Learn Something New Everyday...

2008-06-15T10:41:00.002-04:00

Although sometimes you're learning things about yourself that you didn't really want to know. My head is pounding at the moment, and it's not just because of a normal headache.

Over the past few months, I've noticed that I always seem to have bruises on me. They're usually on my legs and arms, and sometimes they're really big or really painful-looking. But the weird thing is, I never remember getting them. At one point I even wondered whether something was really wrong. I mean, where are these bruises coming from??

But then my friend Katy was over at my house about a month ago. I had commented to her how I had these bruises and never remembered getting them. And then, over the course of the 2 hours or so that she was at my house, I must have run into something about 4 times. I stubbed my toe, the same toe, on the bed in my guestroom, the same bed, twice in that time. I mean, who does that?? I also ran into the doorway at least once. And then I started to realize how ridiculous I sounded saying I never remembered getting the bruises. When I pay attention, I run into stuff all day long. It's really ridiculous. I never really knew I was a klutz, but apparently I am. At least I promptly forget about the pain afterwards.

I have always known that I bruise easily, but it just seems to have gotten worse recently. A few weeks ago I noticed that I had these 2 bruises on the top of my left thigh and then another one on the outer thigh of the same leg. It was a weird pattern. As I was trying to figure out how I could have gotten them I realized that it was Chris! Chris has huge hands (I mean, he's 6 foot 9, so that shouldn't really be a shock) and when he is driving and I'm in the passenger seat, he'll sometimes reach over and grab my thigh. When I matched up his hands, they fit the bruises perfectly! I have had a lot of fun teasing him about how he bruised me and he better be careful. I think he was also a little nervous because my 2 closest friends, Katy and Preggo, both want to be prosecutors. And not just prosecutors, they want to be domestic violence prosecutors. Hah! So they told Chris that they're watching him. Chris said, "Out of all the people in the world that you could have told I bruised you, did you really have to pick those 2???" It was pretty funny.

So I was starting to think that maybe all these bruises weren't my fault. I don't consider myself a klutz, and maybe I'm really not! But then, last night, I was reminded again. I was emptying the dishwasher (since the dishwasher is not a place to store your dishes, Katy!) and SLAMMED my head into the corner of some shelves we have in the kitchen. I saw stars and got dizzy and the whole bit. Chris even heard it and came running in when I couldn't respond to him. It took a few minutes, but then I felt okay. Of course, as soon as I realized that I didn't have a concussion or anything, I felt like a moron. Good grief. I really don't remember me being this ungraceful. But apparently I am. Wow.

This morning I woke up and while you can't see a bruise yet, the whole left side of my head just throbs and is really sensitive to the touch. Good grief. It's going to be BEAUTIFUL if it bruises. Wow. I really am special.

I have lots of muscles...

2008-06-13T07:30:00.005-04:00

And at the moment, they all hurt. Every last one of them. I am so ready to not be so sore after Jazzercise anymore. Ugh. As you know I went to my early Tuesday morning class. Then on Wednesday I went to the 5:30 pm class with a teacher that I really like. But she kicked my ass. She told us she was going to, and I pushed really hard. Probably a little harder than I should have. But I made it! Then, when I was driving home and trying not to run off the road because I was so tired, I realized that it was 6:45 pm and in less than 12 hours I was going to be at another Jazzercise class. Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't have pushed quite so hard. Too late now.

Chris and I went to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and my sister on Wednesday night. Michael and Rebecca leave on Monday for a 6-week trip through France, Italy, Germany, and Greece. I don't think I realized how jealous I was until Michael was asking me about my last trip through Germany (in 2002). All the memories came flooding back and I was so jealous of them I just wanted to cry. Stupid Bar exam (which is in 46 days, by the way). We went to dinner at an Irish pub downtown and I decided not to get a beer and instead just use all my points (I had 13 points left for the day, plus my 8 APs) on dinner. So I got a Jamaican Jerk Chicken Sandwich. I will admit, I also got fries. But I stayed within my points (although I had to estimate the values) and it was delicious. We didn't eat until about 10:15 pm, so I was STARVING. Here's the food journal for Wednesday:

5:30 am came way too early on Thursday morning since I hadn't gotten to bed before midnight. But I still got up and went to my Jazzercise class. It was another tough class, and since I was already feeling the effects of my class from the night before, I knew I was going to be sore afterwards. I just realized this morning, though, that I didn't use any of my APs yesterday. Yay! I know I needed to use them the last 2 nights, but I don't like using ALL of them. So I was glad yesterday that I was able to stay within my points. Here's the food journal from yesterday.

Today is going to be another brutal day in bar review. Ugh. We have no plans for this weekend. I'm going to a Jazzercise class tomorrow morning and on Sunday afternoon, so that will be my 5 classes for the week. Woo hoo! I'm psyched about that. Other than that, I think it will be a weekend of hanging out and studying. Oh joy. So on to my last 3 days of the perfect week!

Contest!

2008-06-12T17:24:00.003-04:00

Sorry no post last night. It was a late night and a VERY early morning. But no worries, I am still on track and can barely move my body hurts so much from my 3 Jazzercise classes this week. I'll post tonight, but I wanted to get in on this first!

Pasta Queen is having a contest! Watch this video to see how much she has accomplished. She's having this contest to promote her new book, called Half-Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir. You can see about the contest here!

Day 2

2008-06-10T22:24:00.003-04:00

I had to drag myself here tonight. I know it's only getting up an hour earlier than I usually do, but by the end of the day when I have gotten up at 5:30 am, I am just BEAT. But I promised myself that I would post my food journal every night, so here I am. I am not totally proud of it because I still used more points than I wanted to, but I counted EVERYTHING and I'm being accountable and I didn't go over my points and that's what matters, right??

Jazzercise was good this morning. It was early, but it's a great workout. Next time she has got to work out something besides my outer thighs, though. Mine are KILLING me today (she did the same leg workout last Thursday). My sister came over for lunch so we could catch up, and then Chris and I went to dinner with some of his friends. We had Mexican, so of course I ate more than I wanted to. But, I counted all my points and tracked and journaled everything, and I left without being overly full or uncomfortable, so I'm trying to tell myself it's okay. Can you tell I haven't convinced myself yet??? Even though I haven't gone over points or anything, for some reason I just have a mental thing about using this many weekly flex points this early in the week. I mean, I have 25 left for the week which should be PLENTY, but it just makes me nervous.

Anyway, I have GOT to get to bed. Day 3 of property is tomorrow and our professor puts me to sleep anyway. Until tomorrow...

WI Results

2008-06-09T20:25:00.004-04:00

My WI tonight was a nice way to start my perfect week: a 2 lb loss! FINALLY, I am back in territory that is new. Barely, but I'll take it. My weight today was 216.4 lbs. On April 28th I had weighed in at 216.6 lbs. But at least that extra 0.2 lb loss meant that I hit the 26 lb mark. I cannot wait to get to 30.

Tonight also marked my 26th WI. That's 6 months on WW. I have to admit, I definitely thought I would be further along than I am at the 6 month mark, but oh well. A long reflective post about the last 6 months will have to wait. I have a bunch of studying I want to get done tonight and I need to hit the bed at a decent time since my alarm will go off at 5:30am tomorrow morning for my 6:15am Jazzercise class. It's nice, though, because I don't have a choice on whether to go in the morning or not. We are going out with some of Chris' friends tomorrow night for dinner. That means that not only can I not go to the 5:30 pm class, but I also need the APs so I can stay on track.

So I guess that's it for today. I feel like I am really back on the right track and heading in the right direction for the first time in a long time. Day 1 of my perfect week done; 6 to go!

The Perfect Week

2008-06-09T07:20:00.003-04:00

50 days from today is the Bar Exam. Ugh. In some ways, I just cannot WAIT for it to be over (okay, in a lot of ways I can't wait for it to be over), but the summer also feels like it's flying by, which is not really a good thing. That means I have LESS time to study. It's a viscous cycle. In my head I just keep telling myself that I am doing everything I can be doing and everything I should be doing, but I still feel like I'm being dragged along, trying to keep up. I guess I have started to really understand why all of this gets to you mentally so much. I feel myself struggling more and more to keep a positive attitude and to try to keep a balance in my life and not let the Bar take over everything. But it becomes harder each day.

Several people have mentioned recently that maybe I shouldn't work so hard on the weight loss thing this summer. Maybe I should just cut myself some slack, take a break, and come back to it when weight loss is my biggest concern. And I totally understand why people suggest that, and believe me I've thought about it. But luckily I know myself well enough to know that would be disastrous. I am incredibly hard on myself. I have learned this. I try to deal with it. And while it's true that if I don't do well on my eating or exercising I can really get angry and frustrated, it doesn't compare to how I beat myself up when I am ignoring everything. In those times I beat the crap out of myself. I'm doing enough of that anyway while studying. I need something to make me feel good about me and my life, and I feel pretty fantastic when I am eating well, have a loss to show for it, and am exercising regularly. That is by far my biggest motivation right now.

So in light of recognizing over the weekend that my mental health really is starting to take a hit (and wondering what the hell that means for how I will be 49 days from today), I decided I really need a perfect week. Not too long ago, Kathy needed a perfect day to jumpstart her efforts again. It helps to remind yourself that it really is possible, and it's really not that hard. I really need a perfect week. And when I say perfect, I mean I need a week where I track EVERYTHING, count EVERYTHING, and mainly just stay 100% accountable. I am ready to lose some more weight, of course, but I am also craving that feeling of being really proud of myself and seeing some rewards for my efforts. I think that's one of the hardest things about studying for the Bar. When you've mastered one topic or subject, your reward is to move on to the next one where you feel like a complete moron again, and just hope that what you've mastered stays in your head somehow as you attempt to cram more in. My weight loss, for the most part, is predictable. Besides a few weeks in there a while back, I pretty much know when and how much I am going to lose. If I work my butt off this week, I should see a decent loss next Monday. And that's what I need right now. I need to work hard and see the concrete outcome of my work and be proud of myself.

So what is my perfect week going to look like? Here are my goals.

Track and count EVERYTHING
Stay within my points for the week (including weekly flex and activity points)
5 Jazzercise classes this week
Do my arms/legs June Exercise Challenge workouts 3 times
Get at least 80 oz of water in everyday (when it is this hot and I'm working out this much, I really need that much water)
Take my blood pressure every night (I've really slacked off on doing this, so I figure I'd throw it in here to remind me)
Post my food journal on here EVERY NIGHT

So that's it. I fully expect everyone out there to hold me 100% accountable. I'm already doing most of these things, so it really shouldn't be that hard. But it should also serve as a great reminder that I really can do this. It's gotten 24 lbs off of me, and it can get 60 more off as well. So here's to the perfect week.

Checking In

2008-06-07T08:08:00.002-04:00

I think I'm going to need to start a 2nd blog until August so I can write about Bar review stuff and I don't bore you all to tears with it. Yesterday was another bad day. We had a class on Wills. I TOOK Trusts & Estates in law school, but this stuff was all new to me. I had the teacher from hell, but that's a whole different story. I had a mini-breakdown, in the middle of class no less, but pulled it together. Today is Trusts. Shoot me now.

Food wise I've been doing okay. I'm getting a little irritated with myself because I'm just not tracking like I should be. I'm eating healthy foods, but I think I'm eating too much. I need to get in some type of exercise today and tomorrow, since I don't have Jazzercise classes, but it is hot as hades outside, so I'm not sure what that's going to be. I'm still fighting that feeling of "I'm exercising so I can eat what I want." I've never really had that feeling before so I don't quite know how to fight it. I think one difference is that because I'm exercising, I am hungrier since my body is burning more calories (duh), and the fact that I'm now feeling that I need more food than I used to is throwing me off a bit.

Okay, I've got to get to class. Chris is still asleep. Even though I don't get to spend today with him, I am SO glad he's at home today. Yay for not working on Saturdays!!!

Woops...

2008-06-05T20:46:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the absence. Somehow I screwed up my email inbox and so I wasn't getting the emails that tell me when someone has left a comment on my blog post. So all week I've been getting more and irritated, wondering why in the world no one was commenting. I mean, I had a loss, people! But then I actually went to my blog and saw that I had 6 comments. Hmmmm. So I have fixed the problem and am no longer irritated, so now I'm back. :) And I like to think that I don't care if people post or not... guess that's wrong!

This week has been okay. Monday we did Criminal Law in bar review. Now, my job when I graduate is in criminal law, but in taking the practice multi-state questions it has been my worst subject. WTF??? Anyway, we had a video lecture on criminal law and it was HORRIBLE. The guy was insane. And a really bad lecturer. Tuesday we had an essay writing workshop, which was also horrible. Mentally, I have been doing okay at not losing it, but that's when we are focusing on one subject at a time. On Tuesday he started throwing ALL of the subjects at us, and it was brutal. (Kelley, I almost called you while having a COMPLETE breakdown, but I recovered). Yesterday and today were Contracts. Tomorrow is Wills, and Saturday is Trusts. Yes, Saturday. The day I have class. The day that happens to be Chris' first Saturday NOT employed at Intrex in over 2 years. And I will be in class. *Sigh*

So I'm doing alright. I didn't make it to Jazzercise on Tuesday, but I went Wednesday evening and then I went this morning. Yep, my happy ass was out of bed at 5:30am, and on the road to Chapel Hill by 5:50am. Whew, that's early. I think I'm going to like it though. I'm am EXHAUSTED tonight, so I'm sure I'll be going to bed early.

My life is fairly boring right now. It's gotten hot as hell here over the last few days and it's supposed to stay in the upper 90s through all of next week. Where did spring go???

WI Results and other miscellaneous thoughts

2008-06-02T22:53:00.003-04:00

I was down 1.6 lbs at WI tonight. Yay! I am very happy the scale is moving back down, of course, but it's hard to be excited since I have seen this exact number before. I'm hoping to have a big loss next week.
I'm not going to make it to the 6:15 am Jazzercise class tomorrow morning. We ended up meeting my brother and his girlfriend for dinner tonight, but not until about 9:30, so I think I would be absolutely exhausted if I got up that early for class (it'd be getting up an hour earlier than my regular time). I'm still going to go to the 5:30 pm class tomorrow and then I'll try to make it to the early class on Thursday. For some reason it still feels like I'm not meeting a goal, even though I'm not skipping a day of exercise. But I keep telling myself that's silly. Oh well.
HUGE NSV tonight: we met Michael and Rebecca at Outback tonight for dinner. I went through my debate of "do I get what I want or what I should have?" Luckily I had encouragement, so I got what I should have. I ended up getting salmon with peppercorn and merlot sauce on it (not cream-based). It came with a side of whole grain wild rice and a baked potato (which I got plain). I did eat more bread than I should have, but I was STARVING since we were eating so late. And since I got a healthy meal, I decided not to feel bad about it. Yay me :)
Chris had a good first day of work, I think. He's pretty tired (and he's getting sick with a cold, which doesn't work so well when you're trying to learn as much as possible in as little time as possible), but he really seems to be happy with his job and I think he's going to enjoy it. Of course, since he's getting sick, I'm sure I'll be sick later this week or next week. Whenever he gets sick I ALWAYS catch it. When I get sick, he only gets it about 50% of the time. That is so not fair.
Off to bed now. I am wiped!

End of Week 24

2008-06-01T10:23:00.002-04:00

It's the end of Week 24. That's kind of amazing to me. And technically, I've weighed in 24 times, but I've missed 3 weeks of meetings, so it's really even more than that. But I'm just counting weeks that I've actually weighed in.

So how am I doing? Pretty good, I must say. So far, I am not as miserable as I thought I would be studying for so long. I have finished 3 weeks of Bar Review classes, and have 4 more to go. I think the biggest thing that makes me not as miserable is that I switch to a different topic basically every day. So while I get tired of studying, I'm constantly looking at new topics so it's not like I get really tired of one area of the law in particular. I guess I'll count that as a good thing.

Friday was Chris' last day of work at the business school at Duke. Yesterday was his last day of work at Intrex, a computer sales and repair store where he has worked every Saturday for 2 years. When we first moved to Chapel Hill he worked full time at Intrex, then went to Duke when he got that job. But he decided to keep working at Intrex on Saturdays so he would have a little extra spending money. Well, that plan didn't quite work out. Since I was in school and not bringing in any money, we ended up always needing his Intrex money for bills and such. So basically he has worked 6 days a week for 2 years to help get me through school. With his new job (that he starts TOMORROW), we don't need that money anymore and I think he's very excited to get a 2-day weekend back. Of course, next Saturday, his first Saturday not having to work there, I have bar review class. *Sigh* But at least he'll still be at home when I get home from class.

I really feel like I am getting my routine down. So of course I am going to change things up a bit, but at least I have this past week's schedule to fall back on. I've been going to Jazzercise classes (which I am LOVING, by the way), on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at 5:30pm. But starting this week, they are offering classes at 6:15am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Unfortunately, those classes are in Chapel Hill (we live in Durham), so I will need to leave my house by 5:50am or so. But I think I'm still going to give it a shot. I really like exercising in the mornings. First, it means that it's DONE for the day, and I love that feeling. Second, when I do it early in the morning, I don't have all day to talk myself out of why I shouldn't go. Getting up at 5:30am is not going to be easy, but it's only 2 days a week so I'm going to give it a shot. And if I can't make it one day, then I can always go to the 5:30pm class later that day. This week I had a meeting on Tuesday night and Wednesday I was sick with a headache. But I did go Thursday night, even though I wasn't feeling great. And then I went on Saturday morning. I'm also planning to go today at 4pm, so that will give me 3 classes this week. Starting tomorrow, though, my goal is 4 times a week. And the way I've done my schedule now, I've got 5 classes scheduled, but that just gives me some flexibility if I have to miss one.

I have really been enjoying the classes, but I still fully admit that they are kicking my butt. It's really an amazing workout, and I'm still doing the "low impact" options. That's great, though, because then as I get more and more in shape, I can move to the "high impact" options. And I'm counting it as a NSV that today, for the first time, I'm not completely sore from class yesterday. Before I've been so sore that it was hard to walk, but today I feel pretty much fine. We'll see how I feel after class today, though. Yikes.

So food wise? Ehhhhh. Not that great. Usually when I start exercising it helps me get my eating better because I think "I worked out for an hour this morning and I'm not going to eliminate that work by eating crap now!" But for some reason, this week I've just kind of had the attitude that "Well, I'm working out, so I can eat some things I shouldn't." But that mindset is over. I have gained 3.4 lbs over the last few weeks, and I want it GONE. I am so ready to be under 215lbs. As of May 19th, I weighed 220 lbs. On March 17th I weighed 219.8. That's over 2 months of staying within a 4 lb range, and I am sick of it. I'm ready to bust through whatever this has been and start losing again.

This morning I woke up frustrated because we had people over for burgers last night and we have a TON of leftovers. And I have mentioned how I ate throwing away leftovers. But I decided this morning that so what? The money is gone. We have paid for the food. If we have to throw some of it away, so be it. I am going to only eat what I am supposed to be eating. I am going to track everything. And if that means some of the food goes bad, oh well. It feels good to have made that decision. And we do have pasta salad that I made (it's very low in points) and some fat free hot dogs and lite buns that I can have. But I'm just going to stay away from the burgers and chips. I felt so much better after I decided that!

I've also joined the June Exercise Challenge. I failed miserably at May's Challenge, but I am determined to do this one. And when I look at my calendar, we have NOTHING planned that should take me off plan, so I feel pretty good about it. With my 4 Jazzercise classes per week, I shouldn't have any problem getting the 400 minutes of cardio in. And I could really use the extra strength training.

I think that's about it for now. I have to say, my life is fairly boring at the moment. Exercise, study, and that's about it. But after the Bar I know things are going to get crazy, so I'm trying to enjoy a little down time. Of course, if I didn't have the Bar exam looming on the horizon I think I could enjoy this time more, but I'll survive.

Chris and I are off to run some errands right now and then I'm going to my class. Happy Weekend!

Week at a Glance

2008-05-29T07:33:00.003-04:00

There's nothing like having a migraine for a solid day to make me wake up the next day, realize I don't have it anymore, and think what a glorious day it is! I didn't make it to Bar Review yesterday cause I was hurting so badly. It was NOT fun. I basically stayed in bed all day, and even last night my head was still hurting. I still have a little bit of it today, but it's one I can totally deal with, so I'm feeling good.

I am slowly getting my routine down. It's looking something like this: Bar review class from 9am - 12:30pm. Study from 1-5pm. Jazzercise from 5:30-6:30pm. Come home, cook and eat dinner until 8:30pm. Study from 8:30-10:30pm. That will work for the month of June. In July I basically don't do anything but eat, sleep, and study. But for now, I'm feeling pretty good about my routine. And lord knows I have talked and talked and talked on here about how I need my routine.

What I'm realizing that my routine does not leave any time for is any "extras", like socializing with friends, watching TV, reading books, commenting on blogs, etc. It's hard to let that stuff go, but I know I just have to do what I have to do for now. After July 30th I can re-enter the real world. So to all out there in blog land, I'm sorry for not commenting. I'm still coming by and checking in when I can, but comments are probably going to be few and far between until August. I hate that, but oh well.

Eating hasn't been too bad. Not great, but not too bad, either. I got to Jazzercise 3 times last week, which I was very happy with. I was even happier when I realized that one class is 8 APs. Woo hoo! Those classes really wear me out, so I know I'm getting a good workout in. Since I got 3 classes in last week I earned 24 APs for the week. I was THRILLED with that! My goal is to make it to 4 classes a week which would give me 32 APs. I won't make that goal this week because I missed Tuesday's class for a meeting and yesterday's class because of my headache, but next week I hope to make all 4 classes.

I'm not going to make it to WI this week. They were closed on Monday for Memorial Day, and the rest of the week my options were either to skip Jazzercise to go WI, or just not WI this week. I figured it was probably not very smart to skip exercise to go WI, so I'll just WI on Monday. Hopefully will see a nice loss, but we'll see.

That's it for now. I'm learning about Suretyships & Liens in bar review today. Guess it's a good thing I'm learning about them since I don't have a clue what they are. Ugh. Anyway, hope everyone is having a good week. Until later...

Mom & Dad's 30th Anniversary Present

2008-05-26T18:36:00.003-04:00

I know I've been MIA for a couple days now, but things have been going okay for the most part. Yesterday Chris and I drove up to Mom & Dad's cabin on the New River to help celebrate their 30th Anniversary. We had a great time and it was so wonderful to get away for a little while. And luckily there were enough people there to keep my Dad busy that we didn't even have to work while we were there. We just passed him around enough to make sure he always had someone to play with so he couldn't get out his tools and start making a job list. If you know my Dad, that's a huge accomplishment.

But I wanted to post really quickly about what my brother, sister and I gave my parents for their anniversary. I found Rick's blog a while ago. He is incredibly talented and I got the idea a few months ago to ask him to draw an illustration of Mom and Dad. I sent him a bunch of pictures of the family and from their wedding. I got the drawing last week.

This was the envelope the illustration came in.

Too cute!

This is the picture after I got it framed. Mom and Dad are in the clothes they wore in their wedding, and the house is in the background is our river house. Rick had the idea to make the 3 kids "at" Mom & Dad's wedding.

Mom & Dad with their drawing.

On the wall in the cabin, although this turned out not to be its final resting spot because Mom said you couldn't get close enough to it there. Michael pointed out that he didn't think anyone needed to lick it, but that's a whole other story...

Happy 30th, Mom & Dad!!!

Good Tuesday

2008-05-20T22:04:00.003-04:00

Went to my first Jazzercise class today and it was a lot of fun. Well, it worked my ass off, so maybe fun isn't the right word. But it was a really good workout and I enjoyed it. I'm planning on going tomorrow as well. And that gave me 8 APs for the day. Woo hoo! And I didn't eat any of them - woo hoo! Although I'm starving at the moment, but I'm just going to go to bed instead of eating anything else. I also logged 10,529 steps on my pedometer today. That's the first time since I've been wearing it that I've topped 10k, so I'm proud of that as well.

Gotta get some sleep - secured transactions is tomorrow. Yuck! It's a class I never took in law school, so the "review" tomorrow is not going to be fun. Hell, I don't even know what "secured transactions" means. Anyway, here's the food journal for today.

P.S. I just had to mention this. I was filling out a registration card at my Jazzercise class and it asked me for my occupation. I started to write "law student," which is what I've written for the past 3 years, and then stopped. I just kinda thought about it for a moment and wasn't sure what to write down. Then I noticed that the lady was looking at me. So I told her that I had just graduated from law school and was studying for the Bar, so I guess that made me a lawyer! That was pretty cool. It was the first time I got to write that :) Of course, then her eyes got wide and she pulled out their liability waiver to go over with me again. *sigh*

Refocusing... For Real This Time

2008-05-19T21:08:00.005-04:00

Yeah... so last week did not work out like I had hoped. My stupid Bar Review class was from 12-3:30pm each day, and that just totally threw my schedule off. I usually eat lunch around 1pm, so trying to eat at 11:30am just did not work for me. So that meant I was STARVING when I got out at 3:30pm. I tried to take snacks with me and eat those during the lectures, but it still didn't work all that great.

So with my schedule being off and having no routine whatsoever, my eating went to shit. Which is why I was not expecting good things at WI tonight, and I was right. I was up another 1.6 lbs tonight. *Sigh* That is definitely NOT the direction I want to be going. But, unlike other weeks where I've had undeserved losses and gains, I completely take responsibility for this one. It was expected and deserved. And I already have my routine and schedule planned out for this week (and the following 9 weeks for that matter), so I'm not too upset about it. Until June 27th I have my bar review classes from 9:00am until 12:30pm everyday (except the day my mother teaches the review for family law, which goes until 2:30pm. Gee thanks, Mom). Having a predictable schedule means I schedule in exercise.

Tonight I'm not going to go into just how hellish this Bar Review stuff is. I know you're disappointed, but that bitch-fest will have to wait until I actually have the energy to bitch about it. For tonight, I just wanted to say that I am up again, but moving on. I have meals planned out for the rest of this week, and I have my exercise figured out, which I'm actually pretty excited about. I have decided to take Jazzercise classes and my first one is tomorrow. My goal is going to be to go to class 4 days per week (each class lasts for 1 hour). I have always been told that I would love Jazzercise, since I really enjoying both aerobics classes and dancing. So I'm excited to try it out. I decided that I needed structured exercise for this summer, and also figured I really needed exercise that I really enjoyed, to give me a break from studying. I'm going to try to get some walking in on the days that I don't have class, but baby steps people.

So while I'm incredibly pissed off about being BACK at 220 lbs, I do expect to see some good losses in the next few weeks and I am excited and feel rejuvenated and completely refocused. I am also making a PROMISE that I will post food journals each night. So here is today's journal:

I also have to say that one reason I am up is because Chris and I went out to celebrate on Thursday night. Why, you might ask, were we celebrating since my graduation party was last weekend? Well, Chris got a huge promotion at work and the official offer came in last Thursday. We had been expecting it (he'd already gotten a verbal offer), but we were waiting for the paperwork to come through and for all the big-wigs to give their approval. So it happened, Chris has put in his 2 weeks notice, and he will start his new job on June 2nd. It's also at Duke, but it's on main campus, instead of just at the business school. It's a financial promotion, which is great, but much more importantly it is the job that he has wanted for years. His career took a big hit when we moved down here 3 years ago for me to go to law school, so I am so excited that he is finally where he really wants to be. I am so proud of him!!

Okay, I better finish my studying and get some sleep for tonight. I'll be back with my food journal tomorrow, and to let you know how my first Jazzercise class went :)

Refocusing

2008-05-14T20:12:00.002-04:00

Each day gets a little easier, even though the subjects haven't gotten easier. But I feel like I am slowly recovering from the weekend and getting my energy back. Laundry is done, kitchen is clean (mostly), and bills are paid. I am still behind on some things, but not as much as I had been.

So I am really feeling the need to refocus my energy on my weight loss. The past 2 weeks it has really taken a back seat, and I am now ready for it to be up front and the center of more of my attention. I had that awesome 3 lb loss a few weeks ago, and then the next week I was pretty sure I had lost at least a pound or so, and then this week at weigh in I was up almost 2 lbs. Don't get me wrong, like I said yesterday, I'm not all that upset about the 1.8 lb gain. My schedule was off, and it was a hugely special occasion. But I think it is around this point that I start to get terrified that it is all going to slip away. It is at this point where I am forced to acknowledge that I can either "accept" my gain and treat it like a challenge to get back on track, or let it derail me completely and slide even further into that place where I never want to go again.

And I think it's hitting me harder this time because over the past two weeks I have realized just how far I have come. Especially after my emotional farewell to what I thought was a friend, I feel like I am a completely different person than who I was just a few months ago. When I was traveling around with my Mom, none of our food was in my control. But I felt like I made good choices. We stopped for Mexican once and I didn't eat a single chip. I also ordered a fajita burrito, which was one of the best options on the menu from what I could tell, and didn't stuff myself. The night Chris' parents came to town, we went to Tyler's (where I stuffed myself with my sister after exams were over). Chris ordered an appetizer and then we all ordered our meals. I ordered a salad with grilled chicken on it. I had one bite of the appetizers (boneless chicken wings), and then just ate my salad. It was wonderful. I felt good and, maybe even more importantly, I didn't feel deprived in the least.

I mentioned yesterday that I did pretty well over the weekend, and that's true. I cooked Friday night and made roasted pork tenderloin. On Saturday Lori and I were shopping and I got a Subway sandwich for lunch. On Saturday night we had a cook-out and I had one hamburger, one hot dog, a bunch of fruit, and some spinach salad (although I will admit I had way more than my share of wine and a brownie with ice cream). On Sunday I didn't go crazy at the party. I had some of the 28 lbs of brisket that my Mom made (you think I'm joking... I'm not. 28 POUNDS of brisket!!!), some pasta salad (that I made with whole wheat pasta, grapes, ham, and feta cheese crumbles with fat free Italian dressing on it), and some fruit.

But even though I acknowledge that I did well over the weekend, I still feel off. I think I had gotten so "good", that not counting is just making me feel a little like I'm living on the edge and could fall off at any moment. As Kristi put it, I want to make sure I keep all hands and feet securely inside the wagon, cause heaven knows it doesn't take much for me to fall off.

As I said yesterday, my fridge is stuffed with leftovers. I have been trying to not go overboard, but just eat up the leftovers. But I just don't think it's working for me. While it's not stuff that is crazy in points, it's stuff that I wouldn't be eating if I was tracking really well, and that is making me feel a little out of control. So tomorrow, I am back on track for counting and recording everything I eat. If that means I end up throwing away a little more of the leftovers than we would have otherwise, so be it. I know I need this for my mental sanity. I'm also looking to shake up my exercise routine, so it is non-existent at the moment, so I'm exploring other things to do. Starting on Monday, my schedule should become very routine (which is ALWAYS a good thing for me), so I'm hoping to get a schedule down that I can work with.

So here's to getting back on track!

Still Here....

2008-05-13T20:03:00.008-04:00

And still a law school graduate, thank goodness :) Even though I haven't gotten all my grades in yet, I'm feeling pretty good in assuming they wouldn't have let me walk if I hadn't really graduated. :)

I have so much to update on, but no energy. This weekend was fantastic, and exhausting. It was great having Chris' parents here. Lori was a HUGE help. My family went above and beyond, with the 3rd version of "In My Mind I'm Seeing Caroline." It's a long story, and one that I'll tell later, if at all! Everyone made my graduation day incredibly special and it was amazing to feel all the love and pride in that room. Thank you all!

And then, yesterday was a new wake-up call. At 8:45am I arrived on UNC's campus to begin Bar Review. I am in a 6-day course right now (Monday through Saturday) and each day we take a test for a subject, then have a 3 hour lecture on that subject. Keep in mind these are subjects that I haven't had since my first year in law school. Yesterday was Torts and I thought I was not gonna make it. I felt like a complete moron trying to answer those questions. But then today we had Property, and I hit a whole new level of feeling stupid. It really made me feel like I was a genius yesterday as compared to today. *Sigh* Tomorrow is Contracts, Thursday is Constitutional law, Friday is Criminal law, and Saturday is Evidence. Those are all the subjects covered on the Multi-State section of the Bar. I'm hoping that I feel somewhat competent in Criminal Law and Evidence since I've actually used those subjects recently. We get Sunday off and then start a different Bar Review course on Monday, which runs for the next 7 weeks. I got home last night and told Chris that it was going to be a LOOOOONG summer.

I missed WI last week, so I made myself go last night. I wasn't all that surprised to see I was up 1.8 lbs. I really think that I wouldn't have been up that much except that I was weighing in the day after graduation. I really wasn't bad on food at all for most of the weekend (HUGE NSV there), but did have a lot more alcohol and a lot less water than I am used to, so I have a feeling that played a pretty big part in the gain. I am trying to be right back on track this week, but my fridge is STUFFED with leftovers that we are trying to eat up. While none of them are horrible points-wise, I don't know the points on all that many of them, so it's a little tough to keep track right now. I'm just doing my best to listen to my body and stop when I'm full, and when the leftovers are gone then I'll be 100% back on track.

I have to go for now. I'm still getting my house put back together from the weekend, and still feeling thoroughly exhausted and beaten up, so I'm going to bed early again tonight. Here are some more pictures from LAW SCHOOL GRADUATION!! It still feels crazy to say that....

Am (a.k.a. Preggo), Katy, and me - all going to be in Wake County in the fall!!! And why we have to wear those stupid hats is beyond me. They look horrible on everyone.

Me and Preggo - we met on the first day of law school orientation and we're still friends 3 years later! Not sure why the velvet on her robes looks blue cause it was the same color as mine (purple is the color of the law).

Me and my parents after graduation. They truly are my heroes and role models and I am literally following in their footsteps :)

This was me during most of the after-graduation party. Pretty much everything made me cry!

Worth 1000 words...

2008-05-11T20:47:00.002-04:00

My 100th Post!

2008-05-08T08:40:00.002-04:00

And unfortunately, it's going to have to be another short one. The painting yesterday turned into a 13-hour marathon event. We were afraid that if we stopped, we would never get started again. We started painting at 9:30am, took a 15-minute lunch break, a 30-minute dinner break, and Chris and I finally left at 10:45pm. Lillie was still going! We primed the dining room and kitchen, then put first coats on both rooms. Of course we ran out of the blue paint for the kitchen before we even finished the first coat. So around 7pm I called Chris and asked him to come over and pick up some more paint and some dinner, so we could finish. We did the 2nd coat on the dining room before he got there. Then we finished up the first coat in the kitchen and started the second one, but it was taking a long time to dry so I couldn't help Lillie finish the second coat.

It was a long day, and I have sore muscles in my body that I never even knew existed, but we had a good time. We talked and joked all day long, and by last night we were VERY punchy! So if you're coming to my graduation party, make sure to tell me and Lillie how great the kitchen and dining room look!!!

Today I am going to a follow up appointment for my blood pressure, then I'm going to meet the girls for some lunch and shopping so we can catch up. And I totally screwed up my schedule because I thought Chris' parents were flying in to Raleigh tomorrow. Yesterday I realized that they are coming today! So this afternoon we'll go pick up Chris' parents. Not sure what the rest of the week holds, but I'm sure it will involve party planning!

I actually have a lot to talk about in terms of how my eating has been going (pretty good!), and some big revelations I've had. But, there's simply no time! So I'm going to leave you in suspense. Just know that I am doing well and feeling good. Since I didn't get to go to weigh in on Monday night (cause I was in Winston), I got onto our scale on Tuesday night. I am actually really good about not weighing myself during the week, but it was the same time of day as my meeting and since I didn't think I was going to be able to squeeze in a meeting this week, I wanted to check. It showed me down 1 lb (at 215 lbs), so I was very happy. That's not official, of course, but I've compared my weight on my scale when I come home from my meetings and they are almost always the same, so I think it's close. Since I had ZERO control over my food all weekend, I am just as proud of that 1 lb loss as I was of the 3 lbs last week! We'll see where I am on Monday.

This weekend is going to be fabulous, and I am so excited. It's a little overwhelming to tell you the truth. I just can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I actually made it through law school. Wow. I'm not sure if I'm going to be posting any more this weekend since Chris' parents will be here and other family is coming into town. If not, have a fabulous one! My Google Reader shows 176 unread feeds, so I am desperately behind but I will catch up with all of you after this weekend is over. And then, I will be able to sign my comments as a law school GRADUATE!!!

Checking In

2008-05-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

Holy cow, I can't believe it's been a week since I've been here! And no, Paul, my last post wasn't saying goodbye to blogging. The past 7 days have been CRAZY, and there is no end in sight as we gear up for the BIG WEEKEND!!! I have so much to talk about, but no time at the moment. I'll try to get back on tonight so I can catch you up on real topics.

What have I been doing the past 7 days? Well Thursday I walked with my sister (3 mile loop at Duke Forest). She came over because we both had to work on papers. For some reason I just couldn't seem to get anything done on Thursday. So on Friday I buckled down and got a TON done on my paper. At about 4pm Chris took me to meet Mom on the highway. We went to a campaign event in Raleigh (where we heard both Hillary and Obama speak... WOW!). We left Raleigh at 11pm and began our drive to Charleston, SC. Mom had a presentation to give in Charleston at 9am. After stopping to get gas, and then getting pulled over so a VERY nice Trooper in SC could give me a speeding ticket (grrrr), we made it to our hotel in Charleston at 4am. And remember, I can't drink caffeine! So it was a long night.

We went to bed around 4:30am, then Mom got up at 6:30am to finish preparing for her talk. I got up at 8:30am. Mom got back from her presentation at 10:30am and then we walked around one of the markets in Charleston for a little while. We then got back in the car and began a 4 hour trip to Sunset Beach, NC. We got there at 4:30pm. Mom took a nap and I kept working on my paper. We then went to another campaign event at 6:00pm in Sunset Beach. That ended around 9pm, and at 9:30 we left to go spend the night at our house in Topsail Beach.

We got to Topsail around 11:15pm and went to bed. We got up the next morning and I sat at the table, looking out on the beach, and worked on my paper from 10am until 4pm. And I FINISHED it! I emailed it to my professor, and I was officially, OFFICIALLY done!

So we drove back to Durham. We had dinner with Chris, my sister, and her boyfriend. On Monday morning, Mom picked me up in Durham at 7:30am and we drove to Winston. While she gave an exam review session, I got the house ready for a lunch for her students. They all got there around 12:30pm. After they left, we took a quick nap and then went shopping. Lillie came into town as well and my grandmother came over and we had Girls' Night (Dad was in Raleigh). We had a great time. Tuesday morning my sister and Mom went to vote, then Lillie and I headed back to Chapel Hill. We got back just in time for a lunch I had at 12:30pm. That was done around 2pm, and then Preggo picked me up and took me back home. Dad was still in Raleigh so me, Chris and Lillie met him in Morrisville for dinner. Then back home to sleep.

Today I am going over to my sister's house to help her paint. I graduate from law school in 4 days, and we're having the party at her house, so I'm going to help her get ready.

Wow! I really have been busy. Gotta run buy paint and get over to her house for now, but I will try to check back in later. And I have a lot of catching up to do on blog reading and commenting, but I'll get there eventually!

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Saying Goodbye

2008-04-30T08:52:00.003-04:00

Last night I had plenty of time to think about this weight loss "journey" since my stomach was cursing me and making sure I was aware of the pain it was in. I think eating out 3 meals in a row was too much for it. Even though I never went overboard, it was still stuff that I don't normally eat. I felt like it was saying, "2 meals, ok I can handle it. 3? And the 3rd is a 2nd Mexican meal? Ohhh, it's on now sister." I knew it was right, so I just took some Pepto-Bismol and laid awake most of the night.

It occurred to me, maybe somewhere around 3:15am, how different my body is now. Most of this weight loss is about making mental changes and seeing physical results, and I think we tend to forget how much we change physically as well. My stomach simply cannot handle the type, or the amount, of food I used to put in it. It makes me physically nauseous, not to mention what I do to myself mentally for "messing up." So here is the thousand dollar question: WHY DO I DO IT??

In WW recently we talked about something like this. The point of the meeting was we don't do anything in life that doesn't seek to fill a need. If I ask a friend to go out with me, maybe I'm feeling lonely or I need to talk about some things. Whatever it is, everything we do and all the choices we make have one purpose: to make us feel better. Now, everyone knows that not all of our decisions get that result. Lord knows some of my ex-boyfriends prove that point (but that's a whole different blog, in and of itself). So my WW leader wanted us to think about our bad eating habits, and try to identify what need that habit was trying to meet. Then she wanted us to identify how we could get that need met without food. I really struggled with this. I know I eat when I'm bored. That is a huge one for me. I simply do not do well being bored. I will complain about how busy my life is, but the simple truth is I like it that way. I don't like having a whole lot of time to sit by myself and think. Is that healthy? Ehh, probably not, but I know that is when I am susceptible to overeating. Being emotional or really stressed out is another big trigger for me. So I have identified those and try to be aware of them.

But last night, when I was whispering sweet nothings to my stomach and apologizing over and over, it really got me to thinking about why I was feeling so sick. I ate 3 meals out, but I didn't have a free for all and eat anything I wanted to. But as I sat at the Mexican restaurant last night, I knew I was going to feel sick after we got home. I knew my stomach was going to be upset. Yet I still ate a cheese quesadilla. Why?? What need was I trying to meet? Believe me, I thought about it for a long time last night and I simply don't know. It finally hit me this morning, as I was still feeling like crap. Greasy fries and Mexican food are old friends of mine. Except they make me feel awful in every way possible.

There is somewhat of a grief process I need to go through. People who have always had a healthy relationship with food will probably not really understand this, but the relationship I had with food, and the reason I have been overweight my whole life, is because it fulfilled a need. And food and I were goooooood buddies for a very long time. Now, I am having to let go of that relationship. While I am certainly working on fulfilling those needs somewhere else, it is still a loss, and it's still a work in progress. It's hard for me to accept that while I used to enjoy going out to a restaurant and just eating whatever I felt like, physically I simply cannot do that anymore. And let's not get into what I do to myself mentally when I overindulge like that.

So it's really time to say goodbye. Slowly but surely I am realizing that the things I turned to that I thought brought me so much comfort never brought me comfort at all. French fries are not my friend. Hamburgers and pizza and ice cream don't love me, they just want to sabotage me. Real friends don't make you feel like crap, mentally and physically. So I really just have to let those relationships go and work on building new ones. And maybe this is pathetic, but it makes me a little sad. Those foods were friends, or at least I thought they were my friends, at some of the darkest times of my life. It feels like I am losing something, even though I'm only losing something that's bad for me. So goodbye, old friends. I guess it's just taken me a while to learn that you never really were my friends at all. And that makes me sad.

Done with Exams

2008-04-29T17:42:00.002-04:00

I think Kathy said it best: my life is one big exclamation point right now! So many things are happening and I feel like I can now sit back and enjoy it and not stress quite as much. I got through my Employment Law exam this morning and actually feel like I did pretty well on it. Now, for me, saying that is really something. I usually don't do more than mumble when I leave an exam, and I never try to guess how I did. But whatever the grade ends up being, I felt good about it.

I was determined not to have another mopey, whiny, bitchy day after my exam like I did last week after my Family Law exam. So yesterday I called my sister and we decided to go out to lunch after my exam today. So I went over there and picked her up (after waking her up by calling her... It was 12:30pm, I had been up for 6 hours and had taken an exam and I woke her up. Wow I miss college) and then we went to Tyler's, which is a local place. I decided to order a pretty healthy entree for lunch (grilled chicken wrap) so that I could splurge a little and get their famous garlic fries on the side. I felt like some sort of celebration was in order for finishing law school exams! We also each got a Martini. And Martinis are small, so then we got another one. I got a Red Apple Martini and Lillie got a Chocolate Covered Cherry one. They were both fabulous.

So I did feel like I had celebrated. And I don't know whether it was the martinis or not, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job of eating fairly slowly and enjoying my meal and not stuffing myself. But about 10 minutes after I had finished eating it all just hit me and I was stuffed! I drank half a glass of water and the rest of one of my martinis right before that, so I actually do think it was the drinks that pushed me over the edge. Either way, I was not happy to have that feeling. It really makes me wonder why I overeat so much if I'm not careful. I HATE that feeling. I feel fat and uncomfortable and just gross! Ugh. But although I was not happy about feeling like that, it was nice to hang out with my sister and celebrate a little.

Today is Tuesday, which is the Healthy You Challenge check-in day. I already posted my 25-lb loss button on the sidebar. Last week I also earned an on plan award because I counted every single thing I put in my mouth and was on plan all week. And it certainly paid off with a 3 lb loss!

My goal next week is to earn my exercise award. I think I've already blown my On Plan award for this week, but it's a special week! One of the reasons I really want to focus on exercise over the next few weeks is that with my graduation being next weekend and having a lot of family coming into town, I know eating is going to be a little off. I really don't want to gain any of that 3 lbs back, so I need to step up my exercising to combat any bad eating that might happen.

Speaking of bad eating (cough, cough), Chris wanted to go to Mexican last night after we got some new clothes for him. So we went and I decided to get Enchiladas. They were one of the only things not fried, and the tortillas were made out of corn instead of flour, and I didn't put sour cream on them, so I think the only real bad thing was the cheese. I also did fairly well at not going crazy on the chips. I ate some, but I tried to eat just the really small ones, eat them really slowly, and put lots of salsa on them (because salsa is 0 points). However - Note to self - breaking a big chip up into smaller pieces does not then mean you aren't still eating the big chip. When you eat ALL of the smaller pieces of a big chip, then you are still eating the big chip! Okay, glad to remind myself of that. We're actually going to Mexican again tonight because we're meeting some of Chris' friends for 99 cent beers. But I'm not really worried about tonight since I'm still full from lunch!

Guess that's all for now. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the comments. I have lots of new blogs to go take a look at now. I love getting the comments (and I'm trying to do better about commenting on other blogs), so thanks!

Just What I Needed

2008-04-28T21:57:00.003-04:00

I lost 3 lbs this week!!! I am completely psyched and feel like it's the push I need to get all my motivation flowing. I cannot tell you how tired I was of seeing 220, 219, and 218. I was so happy when she said 216! So losing those 3 lbs put me at 25.8 lbs lost. Wow wow wow. I've never gotten this far before with WW, so it's pretty amazing. I also got my new 25 lb loss button from the Healthy You Challenge. It's so pretty!

I am off to bed for now. I have studied ALL DAY for my exam tomorrow, and I am just brain dead. So I'm going to get some rest and then get up early to finish going over a few things. My parents are at the Bruce Springsteen concert tonight. I am incredibly jealous. But oh well. As of tomorrow at 12:00pm, I will be done with law school exams!!! And yes, I know I still have the Bar Exam coming, but I am not thinking about that right now. For me, time stops after law school graduation. When the "after that" gets here, I'll deal with it then. But just one more exam and one more paper, and then I'm done!!! Wow. Just 13 more days until graduation. I know I'm not going to hit my original goal of being at 210 by then (yeah, even I'm not delusional enough to think I am going to lose 3 lbs each week for 3 weeks in a row!), but I'm going to get close. 200 is getting so close I can taste it, and I can't WAIT for it to get here.

By the way, have I mentioned I have a job??? :)

Enjoying the Moment

2008-04-27T10:17:00.006-04:00

I have lots of random things to mention, so I thought bullets would be easier. All in all, I'm doing great and feeling great and trying to enjoy every moment of feeling so good. I know life won't always be so good, so I want to soak it up while I can! And once I finished typing everything, I realized just how long this is. So grab a drink and a snack, and sit back and enjoy!

We won our small claims hearing on Friday! We got a good judgment and our client was very happy. It was a great way to end the year.
Studying for Employment Law is going very slowly. *Sigh* I am ready to be done!
My sweet friend Kellie surprised me at school on Wednesday. I walked in to my exam and she had put a bouquet of flowers in a vase at my seat to congratulate me on my job. It was sooooo sweet and it meant so much to me! She is a year behind me in law school and will be working at my future employer (I LOVE saying that!) this summer. I'm jealous! But I know she's going to have a great summer. And thank you for the gorgeous flowers, Kellie. I love them!
My Mom and Dad and sister surprised me yesterday with a beautiful basket from Ten Thousand Villages (favorite store ever) filled with fruit and wine, also to congratulate me on the job. The basket is beautiful and I have it filled with the fruit they bought, plus more that I bought in my grocery shopping expedition yesterday. It looks wonderful, and I am so incredibly lucky to have such a strong support system. When I called Preggo to tell her I got the job, she happened to be driving near my house and stopped by just to give me a hug. I think she may have been even more excited than I was! So I truly want to thank everyone for all of their encouragement. I am so excited!
I had a great day yesterday. I got some studying done and went to Boston Market with my Mom and sister. I got a small caesar salad with chicken, dressing on the side. I calculated it as about 6 points when I got home (including the dressing). Yay me! Then I went grocery shopping. Holy cow. I think I should get APs for that. I went to Costco first and it was just one of those trips where I needed all of the big stuff - laundry detergent, toilet paper, cat food, etc. Then I went to Kroger to finish up everything. Chris was still at work when I got home so I had to unload it all myself and put it all up. I was sweating up a storm when I was done. Who knew that grocery shopping was an aerobic activity?? I studied some more and made spaghetti for dinner. Then studied so more. Overall, it was a very good day.
I've joined a bunch of challenges that I'm pretty excited about.

First, I joined Fat Bridesmaid's Pedometer Challenge. I joined almost a week late and haven't been able to get any exercise in (well, besides grocery shopping) so I'm going to be starting this next week WAY behind, but it's still fun. Basically, you wear a pedometer every day for 21 days and log your daily totals. You send your weekly totals to Fat Bridesmaid and then at the end of the 3-week period (May 11th) she is going to give a $25 gift certificate to the winner. I am definitely a long shot at winning, but we'll see! One of the reasons I really like wearing a pedometer and wanted to join these challenges is because it makes me not mind getting up to go get another glass of water or something like that, because it'll give me another 20 or so steps. Yesterday when I was grocery shopping, I parked as far away from Costco and Kroger as I could get, just to get some more steps in. Ohh, the mind games we play with ourselves...
Second, I also joined Jenny's pedometer challenge. It starts tomorrow (Monday) and goes for one week, until May 5th. Now, this one I am seriously going for. Her husband is going to make a wine stopper for the winner. They are gorgeous. Just take a look at some of his stuff (scroll down to the bottom to see the wine stoppers). I don't have a wine stopper right now, so I am going to win that competition. Look out!
Third, I joined Carolyn's 8 weeks until summer challenge. For that one, you just pick a goal and then check in every 2 weeks with Carolyn to see where you are. I set a pretty high goal, but I'm just going to see if I can do it: I want to weigh under 200 lbs in 8 weeks. Now currently I weigh 219.6 lbs. But I do WI tomorrow night and I'm hoping (hoping) to see a decent loss. So then it shouldn't be losing 20 lbs in 8 weeks. Now the bigger part of that challenge for me is that I am going to commit myself to exercising 4 times per week. Someone people in the challenge are committing to 5 or 6 times per week, but it's all about baby steps, right? So 4 times per week is my new minimum. And I'll get some reward for the weeks I exercise mroe than 4 times. Some free reward, mind you, because while I now have a job, I don't start that job until September.
Finally, I joined ScaleJunkie's Healthy You Challenge. It's not really a competition, but I think it's a great idea to find other people who are also just trying to live healthier lives so you can encourage each other. I will check in on my progress every Tuesday and I get badges (like the ones I've put in my side bar) for different things (i.e. non-scale victories, staying on plan, meeting your exercise goal, and then for every 5 lbs you lose). I've already got my 20 lb badge. Woo hoo! And I know so far this week I have been 100% OP. The badge I REALLY want is that exercise badge. My goal for Tuesday, May 6th is going to be to post my exercise badge.

So why am I doing all these competitions? I really feel like the past 2 months have been SOOOO hard. I have talked (and talked, and talked, and talked) about how I don't know how to flip that switch so I get really motivated and encouraged again. Well, FINALLY, it has flipped. I have no idea what did it, but I want to do everything I can to take advantage of how I feel right now. Rebecca talked this week about how she just feels contentment in her journey right now, and I would have to say I agree. But mine goes beyond contentment. I feel excited and motivated and energetic. I totally wish I could bottle this feeling up, but since I can't I just want to use anything I can to keep this feeling going. As Rebecca said, I know I will hit the wall eventually where it will get hard again and I am going to struggle, so I want to use this time to not only get as much weight off as I can, but also do the best I can to get my healthy habits in place so that when it does get hard, it is much more difficult to stop being healthy. And as of this week, I have no excuse. My schedule is wide open. No classes, no exams after Tuesday. So I feel good about taking all of this on right now.
On Friday night Chris and I went out to Chili's. We have both had great weeks (I'm employed! and good things are happening for him at work) and he just got paid, so we thought we would treat ourselves. I have to admit, I LOVE Chili's. I don't know why. Well, I know one reason why, and it's all Kristi's fault. She introduced me to Chili's Boneless Shanghai Wings that come with wasabi ranch dipping sauce. Wow, I love those things. So Chris and I decided to go to Chili's, and immediately I started an internal battle with myself over what to have. Another reason I love Chili's is that they put all of their nutrition information online, and I am to the point where I feel loyalty and gratitude to restaurants that make their nutrition stats available.

So I printed off their nutrition info and brought along my PointsFinder, and off we went. I started debating: I would love to get the shanghai wings and a burger, but I've been good all week (and I had all 35 flex points left for the week), do I really want to blow it all now?? So I went back and forth. And Chris knew I was going back and forth. But finally, I decided to get their combo, where you pick 2 different entrees and 2 sides. I decided on their Garlic and Lime Grilled Shrimp and their Firecracker Tilapia. Both were 6 points. So there's 12 points. I looked at what sides came with it: one was Loaded Mashed Potatoes. I looked up how many points, and it was off of my points finder. I think it was about 16 or 17 points. Ummm, no. So I got cinnamon apples (4 points) and corn on the cob without butter (3 points).
Chris really wanted the shanghai wings so we ordered them, and I told him before they got to the table that I could have 2, and that was it. I figured that they were each around 2 points. So I had 2 of them (2 were 5 points I figured out when I got home) and didn't even try to rationalize getting another one. Chris also helped me by eating all of his fries first. I am a total french fry-stealer, and he knows it. So he ate those first while I was eating my dinner. By the time I was done, all the fries were gone. I also decided not to get any alcohol, but just stick with water. So I felt really good about the choices I made.
At the end of the meal, I felt great. Now, I will admit that I ate too much and was more full than I usually let myself get. But I wasn't stuffed, and I had stayed completely within my points, so I felt great.
Then we went to Lowe's to get some keys made and we parked at another store and walked across the parking lot to get to Lowe's. Yay us, and more steps on the pedometer!

One thing I realized when we were at Chili's on Friday night was that I have gotten back to the point where it is hard for me to imagine putting "bad" food in my mouth because I know just how bad it is for me. I wanted to imagine eating a burger and fries and while I completely admit that I WANTED the burger and fries, I just don't know that I could have allowed myself to order it. I got to this same place back in January or early February, but then I hit my 2-month funk (or so it felt like) and I lost it. I really feel like I am back to that place now, and I am hoping that if I push myself a little longer, then it will get harder and harder to order those foods and eventually I will get to the point where I don't even want them because I know how bad they are for me. I am totally not to that point yet, but hopefully it will come. I AM to the point that "good" food looks even better. I have a huge bowl of fruit on my table right now and my mouth waters every time I go by it. So the bad food will get less and less tempting, right? That's the hope.
After literally several weeks of this, I have FINALLY finished going through all of my boxes of clothes that we had stored in the attic. I have gotten rid of the ones that are too big and that I don't want to have altered (well currently they are sitting in an enormous garbage bag in my hallway, but it's a start), I have packed up my suits, etc. that are too big and I do want to get altered, I have packed up my winter clothes that I want to keep (the ones that are already too big I got rid of), and I have a box of clothes that are too small (sizes 12-16). All of the clothes in my closet and drawers fit me now or almost fit me now. I had 2 items that were still a size 20 that I tried on when I unpacked them and they still fit okay. One was a pair of jean capris and the other was a pair of jean shorts. I wore the jean capris on Friday night and they were a little big, but they worked fine. I put them on on Saturday morning and they had stretched out to the point that they looked a little ridiculous. So I took those off and put on the jean shorts. I don't know if I just didn't try the shorts on when I took them out of the box or what, cause they were huge. So those are both in my hamper to be washed and then will be going with the bag of clothing to wherever I donate it. That means I am officially a 16/18. It's been really exciting to see the clothes that I can wear now and ones that I have yet to shrink into. I told Chris that this was why I insisted on lugging box after box of clothes with us wherever we moved. Otherwise I would be spending a fortune getting clothes that fit me.
Today is my mother-in-law's birthday! Happy Birthday, Lori! No, you haven't gotten a present from us yet because, well, do we ever do anything on time? I think I still owe Melissa a Christmas present! But we wish you a wonderful day and can't wait to see you in less than 2 weeks now. Happy Birthday! It's your 23rd, right?? ;)

If you are STILL reading, I applaud you. Holy cow. I really DO talk a lot. Now I've totally got to get back to studying employment law, since that's what Chris thinks I'm doing anyway. Oops!

A Quickie

2008-04-25T09:27:00.004-04:00

I just have a second, but I wanted to post my food journal from yesterday because I am so on-the-ball. I now have one exam and one paper done, one exam and one paper left to go (and yes, Kristi, that paper is the one from last year so I really am working on it - I'm really going to graduate, I swear!). And I have a small claims court hearing this afternoon for one of my clinic clients. This is the first time we're getting to go into court all year, so I'm excited. Plus, we have a great case, which I could not have said about all the cases I've worked on this year!

I had another really good day yesterday. I still haven't gotten any exercise in (*sigh*), but I will before this week is over, I promise. Here's the food journal from yesterday:

We ate out for dinner at The Loop because my Mom was in town so we met her and Lillie there. Even with eating out, I was under my points. Go me!!

I gotta run for now to get showered and go meet my client to prepare for our hearing. Then I think I'll be back here to work on my other paper all night (tomorrow I need to start studying for my Employment Law exam, so I want to get as much done on that paper tonight as I can). Just a few more days until I am DONE with law school!

15 days until law school graduation!!!

Rebounding

2008-04-24T09:40:00.004-04:00

First, thank you all so much for all the great congrats in the comments and on emails. I am still pretty thrilled thinking that I am actually going to get to do what I really want to do. It's funny because the closer I get to graduation, the more people say to me, "Wow, time really flies!" Uh, yeah. To you maybe. Me? Not so much. Law school has truly been the toughest 3 years of my life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it. Physically, I began law school at almost my highest weight. I was miserable in my body. It has been up and down this whole 3 years (although I'm at my lowest weight now since I've been in law school). Emotionally, I have had some pretty big losses. During my 2nd year of law school I went through the execution of a young man whose case I worked on, watched a friend lose her 2 year old son to cancer, and lost my 2 godmothers. Hmm, is it any wonder why I don't have real fond memories of law school? Mentally, law school has challenged me in ways I never thought possible. Because I come from a family of lawyers, I went into law school thinking that I would love it and be good at it. Umm, not so much. On either count. My grades first semester were awful. My second semester of law school saw me back on anti-depressants and back in therapy. I will never forget the time in the spring when my therapist told me I should go back on my medicines for depression. I was devastated. I remember calling Preggo as I left my therapist's office and sobbed to her that Sheila (my therapist) had told me I was depressed. I just didn't think of myself as depressed. I knew that if someone told me the symptoms that I was feeling, I would have said they were depressed, no question. But not me. Not again. Chris had never seen me go through depression. I was scared he was going to leave me because, let's face it, that is not what he bargained for. The "depressed me" is not who he met and fell in love with. I was terrified I would lose him, and I was terrified that I didn't know who I was anymore. I sucked at law school. I thought I should drop out, but I had no Plan B. I had never wanted to do anything else. Luckily I stayed with it and kept plugging away. I dove into volunteer work so that I could do the work that reminded me why I was in law school. I ignored the little voice that kept telling me everything was going to be okay. I HATE it when it tells me that.

It also took law school to show me just how messed up my thoughts were. I would sit in class and if I heard someone give a correct answer to something I would immediately think, "boy, I couldn't have answered that question." If I was called on and gave a right answer, I would think, "Well, duh, anyone could have answered that." Umm, okay you freak. But let's just say law school was not what I expected. I wasn't good at it. Nothing about it came naturally. And I felt like I took a beating every single day. I went through a minor depression at the beginning of every semester. Why? Because I got some time off and then had to come back and remember what it's like to beat myself up over and over every single day. My little voice tried to help, but I was able to drown it out with my thoughts of how stupid I am and how I would always be a failure.

And I wasn't even one of the academically competitive ones. When I saw my grades first semester, I knew I wasn't going to be in the top of the class, so I didn't even make that a goal. I've had good and bad grades through the years. But I am going to meet my ultimate goal of graduating with a 3.0 GPA. I'll take it. Therapy has helped me realize that I value myself in other ways, not by grades. I've done what I've had to do to get through law school, and I don't apologize for that or make excuses for my grades. Because of these realizations, that little voice has gotten to take a break and recover from the permanent laryngitis it's had for almost 3 years now.

So to get the call from my future boss and hear him say, "I'm offering you a job now. I don't want to take the chance of losing you." Those words mean more than he will ever know. In an instant, it makes law school worth it. I knew from the beginning that law school was something I had to go through to do what I wanted to do. It was just more challenging than I ever thought possible. But it's all worth it. I will be doing the work that I love and believe in. I will be fighting for those that society would rather forget existed. I will be giving voice to those without a voice. And I will be doing that work exactly where I have wanted to do it. I cannot put into words how excited I am and how humbled I am by boss man's confidence in me and my abilities. September can't come fast enough. I hope that when I get really discouraged by the Bar, I have that little voice reminding me that I have already been promised my reward, and that it really will be worth it.

I have to say that through everything, Chris has been my rock. He truly is amazing. I was reminded of this last night when I was being ~~a complete bitch~~ slightly irrational (I'll explain in a minute). For about a month after my grandfather died almost 4 years ago, Chris would wake up in the middle of the night and find me sitting on the couch crying. He wouldn't say anything except, "Come on baby. Come back to bed." And then he would just hold me. I think that time more than any other showed me his true nature. We hadn't been together even a year yet, and we hadn't been through any sort of death or tragedy together. He did that instinctively. And never sighed or complained or rolled his eyes at me. He just understood. He did the same thing after my other losses, even ones he didn't understand as much. I don't think he has ever quite understood why law school has been so hard on me, but it doesn't matter. He has always been positive and supportive and has believed that I would get through it. He didn't even blink when I told him that I wanted to go into a massive amount of debt so that I could be a lawyer that made no money. That was fine by him. He let me cry when I got my worst grades. He didn't understand why I was crying, but he let me cry. He let me cry after the LSAT. I think he knows what's in store for him after the Bar this summer. Or at least I hope he knows. He has truly seen me at my best and worst and everything in between. And he is still here, and still loves me. And for that I am grateful.

I am thinking about all of this because I had a huge victory last night. I know I'm being very long-winded, but bear with me. I'm in a reflective mood. And I am going somewhere. I think. So why was I being ~~a complete bitch~~ slightly irrational last night? Let's just say that I am one of those people who gets more stressed out after a big thing is over. After I took the LSAT in December '04, I came home and laid in bed and cried for the rest of the day. Chris did not know what to do with me. I've gotten better over the years, but I still tend to do that. So yesterday I came home from my exam and just felt awful. I wallowed. And bitched. And whined. And all I wanted to do was eat. A hundred times I almost suggested to Chris that we go to McDonald's or Dairy Queen. I wanted fries or chocolate or... something. But for the first time in my life, that little voice actually stopped me and made me listen. Just like it was telling me, I knew I didn't want fries. I didn't want chocolate. I would not feel better afterwards. Instead, I would still be depressed about the exam and then would hate myself for everything I ate. It was a little maddening to actually have to listen to that voice, but I knew it was right. So I didn't even suggest it. I had a glass of wine, and pulled myself out of my funk. For me, that was a huge victory. Normally I would have gone out and eaten everything in sight. But instead I had some frozen fruit and whipped cream. I did treat myself to a little bit of low-fat ice cream, but that's it. Here's the food journal.

I have to say that I am incredibly proud of myself. I don't think I got an A on my Family Law exam, but I feel okay about it. And afterwards I didn't go sabotage myself even though I REALLY wanted to. For the first time in a VERY long time, I actually listened my little voice.

Now that voice was also telling me to go take a walk and I would feel a lot better, but luckily I was able to ignore that one. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

It Happened!!

2008-04-22T20:18:00.005-04:00

First, here is my food journal for today. Another day right on track. No exercise today, but I'm going to get some in tomorrow.

Family law exam tomorrow morning. I think I'm ready, but my motivation to study was severely cut this afternoon at about 4:30pm when I received the call that I have been hoping for, but afraid to think might actually come.

Well, it happened. I am officially employed beginning in September. And not just any job. I have the job that I have been hoping for, and the job that I came into law school really wanting to get. Today I was offered a position in September at the Wake County Public Defender's Office in Raleigh. I am still pretty much in shock. I was just too afraid to actually think it would happen. Obviously, I immediately accepted. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am relieved, excited, and instead of celebrating tonight I am watching the results come in from Pennsylvania while I try to finish studying for family law. You can bet that next week (Tuesday is my last exam) I will be celebrating both finishing law school and having a job. I can't wait.

So just to recap my day:

18 days until law school graduation!!!
and
I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Pissed, but Really this Time

2008-04-22T08:55:00.003-04:00

I did sulk a little last night. But like I said, I was studying family either sulking or not, so it didn't make much of a difference. I am feeling better this morning. I do recognize that I still had a loss, even if it wasn't as much as I wanted. And I also recognize that I deserved a smaller loss. I did have several weeks of undeserved losses, so I know I'm due for some smaller ones. Although, I will remind everyone that I said at the time I had those undeserved losses that I would MUCH rather have gains when I deserved them and losses when I earned them. So there.

I made Roasted Pork Tenderloin last night. Chris LOVES this recipe. I found it a few weeks ago when I had an extra pork loin and was searching through WW recipes for one to use with it. It is super easy, and really good. Here it is:

Roasted Pork Tenderloin

Points value: 3
Servings: 8
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cooking Time: 30 minutes

Ingredients:

Cooking spray
2 tsp. dried thyme
2 tsp. dried oregano
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. onion powder
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. black pepper
2 tsp. olive oil
2 lb lean pork tenderloin

Instructions:

Preheat over to 400 degrees. Coat a shallow roasting pan with cooking spray.
Combine thyme, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper in a small bowl.
Rub oil all over pork. Sprinkle thyme mixture all over pork and transfer to prepared pan.
Insert meat thermometer in middle of pork.
Roast until thermometer reads 160 degrees (about 30 minutes).
Let stand 10 minutes. Slice crosswise into thin (about 1/2 inch thick) slices. Yields about 3 oz. per serving.

We really love the recipe. Last night I left out the salt because of my blood pressure, and I liked it better without it. Although I have gotten really sensitive to salty foods because I am so aware of what it does to my blood pressure, so if you like things a little more salty then you probably want to add it in. Last night I made some pasta and a gravy to go with it. I used a pre-packaged, low sodium gravy and then added in some thyme and oregano to give the gravy a similar seasoning as the pork. I also poured the drippings from the pan into the gravy. Yum!

A couple things I have realized over the past week as I've really tried to get back on track. First, I was getting really hungry around 11am and that was really frustrating me. What I realized is that I wasn't drinking any water before lunchtime. I will say I never have any problems getting my water in. I drink nothing but water (have not had a DROP of caffeine since I went off of it in February and had the headache that almost killed me) and have a 35 oz. bottle that I keep full and just know that I have to drink 2 of them each day. I usually drink 3 of them in a day. But I wasn't having any until lunchtime. I've tried to be more aware and drink at least one bottle before lunch, and that has helped a lot with not getting nearly as hungry before lunch.

I had also really gotten away from eating as many fruits and vegetables, so I am making a big effort to get my servings of those back up. I think it makes such a big difference in just how I feel overall. Yesterday I got 4 servings in, so yay me!

Also, I got my medical records from when I lived in D.C. I was right - the highest weight I have recorded is 257 lbs in January of 2005. I went from 235 lbs in September of '04 to 257 lbs in January '05. I love reading the records because when I went in on November '04 to get my DepoProvera shot (my LAST one), they weighed me and I was at 249 lbs and I remember just completely breaking down in the doctor's office. On April 2nd, 2003 I weighed 185 lbs. I started Depo in December '03. But January '04 I was 201 lbs. But September I was 235 lbs. And then in January '05 I was 257. Holy cow. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind because I was being fairly healthy and was still putting on 10 lbs a month. It was horrible. I will say that the 10 lbs I gained between November '04 and January '05 was probably all me. Before that I had been gaining so much weight so fast even though I was being healthy and exercising. But when I broke down in the doctor's office that day she said she really thought it was the Depo. And after that I got a *teensy* bit bitter. And said screw it. So I take full blame for that last 10 lbs. I put on.

So it's really interesting to look at those records. It's also interesting to look at my blood pressure. It was normal when I was at my highest weights, so this whole thing is a mystery. I am a little frustrated now as well because I started my new medication last Thursday and my blood pressure on Friday and Saturday was fantastic. Sunday and yesterday it started creeping back up. Argh. We'll see.

I'm not going to be able to exercise today (Family Law exam tomorrow), but I am planning on exercising after my exam tomorrow. Then I just have 2 papers and 1 exam left until I am D-U-N with law school! Can't wait.

Well speaking of exams, I guess I should go study. Here's my food journal for yesterday:

Didn't I do good??? This week I am just going to keep plugging away and ignoring what the scale says. My goal for the week is to exercise (cardio) 4 times and do strength training one time. When I talked to my blood pressure doctor last week he said he wanted me doing cardio 6 days a week and strength training 3 days a week. Yowsa! I'm going to have to build up to that. So my first step is 4 and 1. If you live in Pennsylvania, go vote today!!

Things I'm Not Pissed About

2008-04-21T19:34:00.002-04:00

I'm not pissed that I exercised 5 days last week, and only lost 0.8 at WI tonight.
I'm not pissed that I went to walk on Sunday (after I had been out drinking all night), and my reward was a massive thunderstorm that hit when I was 1 mile from my car. At least I got some running in trying to get back to my freaking car.
I'm not pissed that I earned 16 APs last week, and still only lost 0.8 at WI tonight.
I'm not pissed that I stayed on track almost all week, with one minor indiscretion on Saturday night, and still only lost 0.8 at WI tonight.
I'm not pissed that one of the two pairs of jeans I wear all the time felt tight when I put them on this morning.
I'm not pissed that I can't be pissed since I had several weeks with good losses that I didn't earn.
I'm not pissed that I know the scale will eventually catch up, but that I have no reward for this week.
I'm not pissed that I am still looking at 219 on the scale when I first saw that number on March 17th, over one month ago.
I'm not pissed that I've been between 218 and 220 for 5 weeks now.
I'm not pissed that I tracked and counted all week and still only lost 0.8 at WI tonight.
I'm not pissed that I felt really good about how I looked yesterday and today feel huge and enormous and gross.

I will be back to my normal self tomorrow. For tonight, I am going to let myself be pissed. I mean, happy or pissed I'm still going to spend tonight studying family law, so does it really matter??

End of Week 21

2008-04-19T17:52:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't been by in awhile, but luckily it's not because I'm not doing well. I have pretty much rocked this week and I am very excited about that. I am feeling good (well, with the exception of a minor hangover at the moment), and am hoping for a good loss tomorrow at WI. So I last checked in on Wednesday. Wednesday night we went to some friends' house for game night. We played croquet and I had a major come from behind victory to win! Woo hoo! I never win our game nights, so I was happy, and only rubbed it in their faces a little bit. We had a fabulous dinner at their house, too. We had marinated chicken and bell pepper kabobs with corn on the cob. Then we had smores over their fire pit after dinner! I only had 2 Michelob Ultra Light beers. I got home and counted up my points and with my activity points for the day I only ended up using 1.5 of my weekly points, including counting for the smores I had! I was very happy with that.

On Thursday I walked in Duke Forest again (so another 4 APs) and then had another check-up with my doctor about my blood pressure. *Sigh* I had hoped he was going to be all happy about how low it had gotten, but then he said it had only come down about halfway of what he wanted it to come down. Well dammit. Then he told me he wanted to add another blood pressure medicine to get it down some more. Luckily I really like and trust this doctor and he knew I was not happy about the medicine. But he did say that he really just thought this was temporary and was going to research how the Adderall might be affecting my blood pressure, since it's not coming down as I lose weight, which it has always done in the past. His big concern was that after exercising on both Tuesday and Wednesday I had gotten pretty bad headaches, and had to take a pill for it on Wednesday (and I am pretty stingy with taking my headache pills, at $25 per pill). So he wanted to add this medicine to see if he could get my blood pressure down some more and get rid of those post-exercise headaches, which he is convinced are blood pressure related. So I agreed and started that medicine on Thursday night. Friday I took my blood pressure and it was 116/77 and yesterday it was 123/82, so I am really hoping this med will get me to where I need to be.

On Friday my hips were really sore from the exercise the previous 3 days so my friend Preggo and I went to Duke Forest and walked a little slower. I think I really needed to do some light exercise, but if she hadn't been with me I probably would have sped up anyway. So I'm glad she kept slowing me down. Friday night I decided to go to a Durham Bulls baseball game with Preggo and her husband. Chris had had a bad day so he wanted to stay in. We had a really nice time. It was a gorgeous night and it was fun to hang out and watch the game. And the Bulls won! Mostly it was fun to just sit with friends and do something a little different in the beautiful weather. I did remind everyone how I am a huge coward though. At one point a ball flew into the stands not too far away from us and hit some guy. With how far the ball bounced after hitting him, I didn't know how he wasn't seriously hurt. But he seemed okay. So a few minutes later I see a ball coming right at us and I just screeched. Yes, screeched. Definitely a cross between a scream and a squeal. Preggo and her hubby laughed at me, but I thought I did a good deed by warning everyone around us. It ended up going behind us, but not all that far. I really was just watching out for everyone else. And I'm a huge baby. But whatever. And I ate dinner before we went to the game and then I didn't get ANYTHING at the game. I was super proud of myself.

Saturday morning I was just not feeling up to walking. My hips were still sore so I decided to just take it easy. I got started studying for my Family Law exam (which is on Wednesday, the 23rd). I've also been working on the 2 papers I have due. Last night, Preggo and I took out another good friend who goes to NC Central Law School (she's also about to graduate) and has finished all of her exams. She's DONE done. Like, D-U-N done! So we took her out to Raleigh to celebrate. Obviously, Preggo was DD. Our instructions from Preggo were that we had to get drunk because she couldn't drink. Well, I told Preggo that I had 25 of my weekly points that I was willing to use on drinks (I had only used 5 of my weekly points before last night. Go me!). So she counted for me. And I think I used 24. But then I drank most of Katy's drink when Preggo was in the bathroom, so it might be more like 26 points. I counted 2 points for each shot (hey, they're the lowest points - much better than mixed drinks!) and 4 points for each mixed drink. We had a lot of fun, and besides being really tired today, I feel absolutely fine. The only problem was that when we left the bars around 1:30am, Preggo needed to eat so we stopped at McDonald's. Well, I was really feeling my 24 points of alcohol by that point, so I got a burger and fries. Oh well. I hadn't used many of my APs this week that I have earned and I still had at least 5 weekly points left, so I'm not beating myself up about it. And get this, I am going to go walk today! Chris has to go in to work for a little bit, so I am going to go over to Duke Forest and do my 3-mile walk, hungover and all! I rock.

So as you can see, I am in pretty good spirits today. I'll probably check back in tonight because there are a few other things I wanted to tell you about, but for now, it's off to exercise!

P.S. 20 days until I graduate from law school!!!

Hump Day

2008-04-16T13:00:00.004-04:00

I know, I'm back again! I am feeling better, and honestly the gain isn't bugging me too much. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it, but I do feel like I can get it back off.

Yesterday I went out to go do day 1 of week #1 of C25k and just wasn't feeling good. I did 2 sets of run 60 secs, then walk 90 secs, and then decided to just walk for awhile. I ended up doing the running for about 10 minutes and then walked for another 20 minutes, so I was satisfied. I did track all of my points yesterday until dinner. The law school had a 3L class BBQ with free food and a bluegrass band, so Chris and I went to that. Based on what my options were, I feel good about the choices I made. There was only cole slaw, fried chicken, hush puppies, and pork BBQ. I got some BBQ and 3 hush puppies. I also had one beer and then a bottle of water. Luckily I'm not a huge fan of fried chicken so it wasn't hard to pass that up. I didn't go back for seconds, either. So I feel good. As we were leaving, I really wanted to get some ice cream from Cold Stone which was down the street. We decided to walk over there and it was so nice. We ended up walking about a mile and a half (I used the Gmaps Pedometer Site to figure it out this morning). We hadn't been to Cold Stone in about 2 years, so I didn't feel bad about getting the ice cream. I got my favorite and it was fabulous. I really enjoyed it and don't feel guilty about it. Chris and I had a good time just hanging out and being together and had a really nice walk.

I got up this morning and had my standard breakfast (2 Eggo Nutrigrain Low Fat waffles, a banana, and 1 cup of milk) and then had to go to a meeting. After that I stopped at Duke Forest and did the 3 miles walking trail. It was a gorgeous day and I listened to a Jillian Michaels podcast. It took about an hour and it is a tough trail. There aren't long hills, but there are lots of short, steep ones. I definitely feel like I got a workout. I'm going to try to do the trail tomorrow as well. Yesterday I got 2 points for my walk, and today I got 4. That gives me 6 for the week and tomorrow hopefully I'll get another 4.

Tonight we have game night with some freinds of ours. I think we're having grilled chicken and some grilled corn on the cob. As long as I can go easy on the wine it should be pretty easy to stay on track, especially with my 4 APs extra that I have.

So I'm feeling good and am staying on track for the most part. And let me just say, I HATE it when my mother is right. I really do feel so much better when I exercise. And she loves reminding me of that. The only thing is that I do have a headache today. It feels like the normal blood pressure headache, but my blood pressure has been down since I went on the meds, so I'm not sure what it is. I have another check-up with my doctor about my blood pressure tomorrow, so we'll see what he says. The good thing is that I did take my Adderall before I exercised today and didn't get dizzy, so that at least says to me that it's getting better. Even if it is a blood pressure headache that I've got right now, it's not nearly as bad as it was before I went on the blood pressure meds, so I'll take it.

I also don't think I mentioned that my reward for hitting my 10% goal last week was that I lost another of my daily points (*sigh*). I'm down to 28 now and for some reason it feels easier than 29. God, I really AM a freak.

A First I Could Have Done Without

2008-04-15T09:53:00.005-04:00

I have been avoiding my blog. I'm SURE no one noticed. Especially since I've been called out. But I totally deserve it, so thanks for the reminder, Mellissa! Chris (Mr. I Can't Believe You're Writing a Blog That is So Stupid) even has been getting on me. Today he asked me if I knew what happened a week ago today. I could not figure it out. Finally, he said it was the 1-week anniversary of the last time I had actually posted to my blog. Yeah, yeah. I think what he dislikes even more than "non-tech people" (read: non-geeks) writing blogs is people who never post to the blogs they have. So I'm back! And I promise I won't go another week without checking in.

I did go to WI last night, and I was up 2 lbs. Wow. It caught me off guard. There have been so many weeks over the past couple of months when I have gone in to WI expecting to see a gain and then seeing a loss. And I know I had a 0.2 gain a few weeks ago, but it's hard to even count that as a gain. As you know (because I have bitched about it to no end), my weight loss has not been rational or predictable lately, and that has ~~bugged the shit out of me~~ been mildly disturbing. So I wasn't exactly surprised to see a gain last night, I just wasn't expecting it. At least I deserved this gain, unlike so many of the losses I've had recently.

But still, experiencing my first real gain was not fun. And I know that karma is getting me, because apparently my body, to punish me, is refusing to let go of the 220's. On March 10th I weighed 222.4. On March 17th, I lost 2.6 lbs and reached 219.8. On March 31st I gained 0.2 and was back up at 220.0. Last week I lost 1.6 and hit 218.4. This week I gained 2 lbs to go back to 220.4. Ugh. I don't even like 220! Oh well.

I had therapy last week, and it was a tough session. It was one of those sessions that I feel really opened my eyes. I was talking about how on Monday (now, this is last Monday) I had been going about my day, knowing WI was coming that night, and was actually hoping to see a gain. I knew I was close to my 10%, and I didn't feel like I deserved a loss, and I especially didn't think I deserved to hit my 10% that night. I know, I'm sick. What kind of person who is trying to lose weight actually wants to see a gain. Sigh. See why I'm in therapy?? Luckily, I did pull myself together and was happy when I actually did see a loss, and was happy I hit my 10%. I have to admit that I probably wasn't as happy as I would have been if I felt like I really deserved the loss. But I was still happy and proud of myself.

So we were talking about that in therapy, and I also brought up the fact that sometimes hearing, "You look great!", is hard. And it's not that I don't want to hear it. Ask anyone who has ever tried to lose weight before. Trust me, you want to hear it. But there is this little voice in my head that says, "God, I weight 220 lbs and I look great??? I don't want to look great at 220 lbs because that just shows me how big I really was!" I know, I told you, I'm sick. My therapist really feels like my depressions stems from the way I talk to myself, and I really think she's right. I would never say the things to even my worst enemy that I say to myself. And I would NEVER allow someone to talk to me or about anyone I knew the way I talk to myself. So why do I allow myself to say these things?

So this is my next mission. I have really got to change the way I talk to myself. And the first step is to recognize all of the bad things I really say to myself. This is hard, too, because most of them I don't even notice anymore. So over the next week I'm going to really try to recognize and record the things I say to myself.

On the actual weight loss front, I am back in the game. I'm not going to talk about yesterday, because it pisses me off and it's over (okay, okay, in the interest of accountability: I ate good foods all day, but just way too much of them. And I didn't even want them! I wanted to stay on track and wasn't craving anything, and I still just ate and ate and ate. But it's over.). I'm on track today. I am going to start setting small, realistic weekly goals for myself again. So here are my goals for this week:

1. Track and count EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth.
2. Post food journals here every night.
3. Do C25k week #1 3 times (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday).

That's it. I think that is totally manageable. I have 25 days until graduation. I'm not going to set a weight loss goal (okay, not yet), but I have a feeling a certain fabulous mother I have will buy me a new outfit for graduation. However, I am only going to get a new outfit if I have earned it. And earned it means staying on track and achieving all of my weekly goals. I had previously set being under 210 lbs by graduation. I don't know that it is completely realistic, but we'll see. With starting exercise again, I might just make it. But basically, I just want to know that I am back on track and feeling good about what I am doing and where I am headed. Most of all, I want to really be proud of where I am in 25 days and want to feel like I 100% deserved it. So here goes nothing.

P.S. Now that I've posted, go over to Kristi and tell her to get her butt in gear and post already. It's been over TWO weeks since we've heard from her!

So Much to Tell, So Little Time

2008-04-08T18:26:00.003-04:00

1. I am exhausted.

2. I hit my 10% goal last night. I have officially lost 24 lbs, which is 10% of my starting body weight. And I am not being irritated that the document I have that I use to track my weight loss and several sites I use all list me at 9.9% of starting body weight lost. It's 10%, dammit, and I don't care what they say. So there.

3. I am exhausted.

4. I graduate from law school in 32 days.

5. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Oops, fell asleep for a second there.

6. My brother has been accepted at UNC Law and will be starting in the fall. Yay!

7. Have I mentioned that I am really freaking exhausted?

8. I had a KICK-ASS job interview yesterday. Let's just say that there is a possibility I might have a job offer in the next few weeks. At my #1 choice for where I want to work. And even if I don't get an offer now, I have a very strong chance of getting one from them this summer. That rocks.

9. My baby sister turned 21 years old yesterday.

10. I am no longer 21 years old.

11. After going out celebrating with her and her friends last night, I feel about 80 years old and am FULLY aware that I am no longer 21. Hence why I am exhausted.

12. I have 4 law school classes left in my law school career. On Thursday, April 10 at 3:00pm, I will be done with law school classes... forever!

13. I have much more to say, but I cannot keep my eyes open.

14. Yes, I am fully aware that I am pathetic.

15. Seriously, I'm not 21 anymore.

A post about little Lillie's birthday extravaganza and my WI last night are coming. For now, I must sleep. My body is cursing me. Especially when I was in class at 8:45am. And let me just say for the record, that I never thought I would be 25 years old, in my 3rd year of law school, and doing the walk of shame to my class at 8:45am after a night out of partying. Yes, I wore the same clothes to school today that I did yesterday. Luckily I only had one class and then got the hell out of there, so I don't think too many people noticed. It was still slightly embarrassing though. I looked (and felt) like death warmed over. So more later.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl!

Happy Thursday

2008-04-03T09:57:00.002-04:00

Today has started off great! There are lots of things going on right now.

1. I got a text message from my brother that he is officially finished with his college coursework and will get his degree from UNC in May. Yay!! As his text said, "It started on a cold morning in Boone January of 99. Completed on a sunny afternoon in Charlotte, April 08. (Everybody does it that way right?) Class of 08." I'm so proud of him and happy for him. He's planning on starting law school in the fall. Yes, I know my family is pathetic. Congrats, big bro!!!

2. My blood pressure is finally going down! Last night it was 127/73. Wow! I haven't seen it that low in years. The only bad thing is that I'm experiencing a side effect from the medicine called "flushing" (as a law school classmate who is a registered nurse told me). Basically, it looks and feels like I have a sunburn. My arms and legs are all red most of the time. My feet were really red last night and this morning it was my hands. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it gets uncomfortable, but it's not a big deal. Hopefully it will go away soon as my body adjusts to the medication.

3. I did NOT eat ANY Reese's yesterday. Even better, I am such an awesome friend that I called my preggo friend and asked if she wanted Reese's, which she did. So I took some to her and I didn't have any. I admit that about an hour ago I walked into the kitchen to have just 1 of the Reese's minis, but they were all gone. Oh well. Definitely a success.

4. We're done fundraising for my Mom's campaign! She's under a public financing system and we got word last night that we've hit our maximum. Woo hoo! It'll be really nice to stop focusing on the money.

5. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't have even a trace of a headache all day long. It was wonderful. I think it's been about 2 weeks since I've had a day like that. I do have somewhat of a headache today, but I had 2 glasses of wine last night and since I really haven't been drinking much at all, I think the headache is from that wine. I am much more willing to deal with headaches that are deserved than those that are completely undeserved.

6. We FINALLY got our friends over last night for "Game Night." We try to do it at least every other week, but we've missed the last 2 months or so. Yikes! So they came over for dinner and we didn't even end up playing a game because we were too busy catching up with each other. It was so nice to just sit back and relax.

7. I made Tuscan chicken for dinner last night. I made rice to go with it and Chris got some good bread from the store. Those are all decent point-wise, but I was really proud of myself for our dessert. I got Chris to get a box of angel food cake mix. I made the angel food cake, cut up some strawberries, and had some reduced-fat vanilla ice cream and fat free whipped cream on top. It was DELICIOUS, and so healthy. I think the piece of angel food cake I had was 2-3 points, and then 2 for the ice cream. I only had a little bit of whipped cream, which was 0 points, and the strawberries maybe added up to a point. And it was a huge dessert! We're definitely going to have to do that more often.

8. Since we had people coming over, I got the house clean! I got all the laundry done (not folded and put away, but at least it's clean now), swept and Swffier-Vac-ed the whole house, and Chris did all the dishes and swept and mopped the kitchen floor. I love that feeling of having a really clean house.

9. My last day of class is officially one week from today! I graduate in 37 days! Next week I have class on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I then have a seminar on Friday and Saturday. Then I'm D-U-N. I have an exam on Wednesday, April 23rd and one on Tuesday, April 29th. Then graduation. Holy cow. I am so excited!

Chris and I have both been exhausted all week, so I think we'll be taking things pretty easy this weekend. I have to do some clinic work tomorrow morning, but we don't have plans for tomorrow night or Saturday night. Chris has to work on Saturday, then we're going to Winston for the day on Sunday for a campaign event and to celebrate Lillie's birthday. I think that's about all that's going on. Next week will be a little crazy, but I will deal with it since it's the last one. Now I'd better get some work done. Adios for now.

Test of Willpower

2008-04-02T11:10:00.003-04:00

I went into the clinic kitchen this morning and there they were: someone brought in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Peanut Butter Eggs that they had left over from Easter. I hate this person. Why couldn't they bring in Peeps or jelly beans? I picked up a Reese's Egg and it's sitting on my desk, telling me how much I love it. It's right. I do love it. It's by far my favorite candy. But it's 4 points. For one little egg! I don't want to eat it because I don't want to use the points. I'm going to put it back in the kitchen now. God sometimes I hate Weight Watchers. And that my ass is so big. Maybe the size of my ass is a result of all of the Reese's Eggs I've eaten over the years?? *Sigh* I had my one treat on Easter. Luckily, it was Reese's. I told myself when I ate it that it was the only candy I could eat. So I guess I'll put it back.

Seriously, I'm going.

Confessions of an Idiot

2008-04-01T17:04:00.002-04:00

I really hope the people who decide on whether or not to give out licenses to practice law don't read my blog. Because they will totally decide to NOT give me a license. And since I mentioned law school (like how I worked that in all creatively???), only 39 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.

Most of the time I think I'm a pretty intelligent person. But then I do some things and just cannot believe that I actually graduated from college and am about to graduate from law school. I did one of those things on Sunday night.

So Chris takes yogurt to eat every morning for breakfast. As a side note, he and I have different problems on WW. He gets 44 points a day and has a hard time using them all. I hate him a little bit for that. But then I remember that he is 14 inches taller than me. But whatever. So he takes 2 cartons of yogurt to work. He had been buying granola at work to put in his yogurt because he really liked it. Well, with our financial worries, I told him that I would make some granola. Weeks ago I found a recipe that he thought looked good and bought all of the ingredients for it. And then I never made it. So when I was feeling all productive on Sunday I decided to make the granola as well. I used a recipe for Crunchy Granola. So I thought it was turning out pretty well and I was really proud of myself. My sister came over for dinner Sunday night so we could work on some campaign stuff and asked what was cooking. I told her that I was making some granola. She looked on the counter and saw all the ingredients still sitting out. So I told her what all was in it and when I said there were sunflower seeds in it, she picked up the bag and looked at it and said, "Aren't you supposed to use the kind that already have their shells removed?" I was like, duh idiot, that's why I picked this bag. And then I looked at the bag. And picked up the bag. And stopped talking. I turned the bag over and read the "instructions" on how to eat a sunflower seed. I guess the bag needed instructions since it had to explain to people how to take the shell off to get to the actual seed.

Well, dammit. I hadn't even THOUGHT about it. It had not occurred to me to check for that. In my defense, the recipe doesn't mention making sure you get sunflower seeds without their shells. Although they probably figure they don't need to put that note in the recipe cause what kind of idiot would put sunflower seeds WITH shells on it in granola? *Sigh* It was already cooking so there was nothing I could do about it. Chris hadn't heard that conversation and I guess I was hoping he wouldn't notice. Uhhh, not so much. He came in and said, "It's really good, but aren't the sunflower seeds supposed to be without shells?" Dammit.

Lesson learned. Chris actually came in a few minutes ago and asked if I would either make him some more granola tonight or show him how to make it. I told him I was pretty surprised that he had already finished off the whole pan I had made on Sunday. He got a sheepish look on his face and said that he hadn't, he just wanted to dilute some of the granola with SHELLED sunflower seeds with some granola that didn't have shelled sunflower seeds in it.

My God I am amazed by my idiocy sometimes. Now I need to go make some more granola.

WI Results

2008-03-31T22:24:00.003-04:00

A lot better than expected, really. But still, a gain. I was up 0.2 tonight at WI. It could have been MUCH worse, so I'm happy, and I'm moving on. I've done really well OP today. I made Chili Mac for dinner. It was good. It didn't become one of our instant favorites, but it was good. Chris is still talking about the BBQ Chicken Pizza from last night. He REALLY liked it. So I'm feeling good about this week and moving forward with the next segment of my weight loss. Tomorrow I'm going to re-evaluate my goals and make any adjustments I might need. Had another headache today, so I'm down to only 1 pill left. *Sigh* Not sure what I'm going to do about that yet, but we'll see. For now, I'm off to bed.

Beginning of Week 19 (a.k.a. The Beginning: Take 3)

2008-03-31T09:37:00.003-04:00

I am happy to report I am feeling much better. Actually, I do have a little bit of a headache as I'm typing this, but I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and can handle it. I had a good weekend, headaches and all. I did finally get rid of my headache on Saturday after taking $50 worth of medicine (which equals 2 pills, in case you were wondering). I took it fairly easy on Saturday and just tried to get a bunch of little stuff done. Saturday night I went over to a friend's house with Am for a girl's night of sorts. We had a really good time, even though we're all going through some hard stuff right now. It was nice to just sit there and talk and laugh and cry with each other.

On Sunday I went to Costco and Kroger to get our shopping done. Even though doing big shops like that wears me out and takes several hours to get all done and everything, it felt really good. One big problem last week was that Chris and I were a little worried about finances so I didn't want to go shopping. Well, we cleaned the house out. We had nothing. That is a recipe for disaster for us. We just ate crap, basically. So we saw how things were going to work money-wise and I went shopping yesterday. It's quite an ordeal. I am one of those people that have to plan my meals out and make sure I have all the ingredients I need for those meals. The part I hate about cooking is deciding what I'm going to make and realizing I can almost make about 5 different meals, except I'm missing one or two ingredients for each. Argh. So I planned out meals, did all the shopping (in the rain, which wasn't all that fun), and got all the food put away. Here are our meals for the week (it's probably the next 2 weeks actually):

Roni's Tortilla Soup - seriously, I LOVE this stuff!
Tuscan Chicken
Melanie's BBQ Chicken Pizza
Chili Mac (also from Melanie)
Slow Cooker Garlic Chicken
Crockpot Honey-Dijon Pork Roast
Slow Cooker Creamy Red Potatoes and Chicken
Crockpot Pork Chops Supper

That's 8 meals, and with leftovers and other things coming up, that usually will last us for 2 weeks. And can you tell I'm trying to use my slow cooker more? I always LOVE it when I use it, so I wanted to plan more meals with it. And here's my dirty little secret: Another WW member gave me a Word document with over 100 pages of slow cooker recipes. It is AWESOME. If you want me to email it to you, let me know. I've tried maybe 5% of the recipes in there, but the last 4 on the list above are all from there. I actually made the BBQ Chicken Pizza last night and Chris LOVED it. He asked if I could change all of the recipes for the rest of the week and if we could just have that for every meal. Hah! I think that's a success. The only problem was that my Costco didn't have Rollups that Melanie talked about. So I think I'm going to try to make Roni's Whole Wheat Pizza Crust to use next time. Tonight is Chili Mac. I'll let you know how it is!

So I will be going to WI tonight. I really don't know what to expect. My scale at home has been showing a gain, but I wasn't weighing in at the same time of day as I do with WW. But I really feel okay with it. In a strange way, I want to see a gain tonight. Yes, you read that correctly. As much as I love to see losses, I think the undeserved losses the past couple of weeks have messed with my head. I HATE not knowing what to expect from the scale. And I hate not understanding why I am seeing the number that I am seeing. So, yes, I am a freak, but I think it will help knock some sense into me to see a gain tonight. I guess I'll try not to be disappointed if I have a loss though ;)

So I do feel like I am back on the wagon. I appreciate the calls, emails, comments, and texts I've gotten. Whitney, I LOVED your voice mail and your email. I saved both of them to read over and over again! I also had a good therapy session yesterday. We talked about how I'm terrified of going through a depression this summer while I'm also dealing with the stress of taking the Bar. And, as I'm still trying to learn, I need to accept that these new few months are going to be hard, and I might not always feel 100% like myself. But that doesn't mean that I'm getting depressed again. If I do, I'll deal with it. But in the meantime, I'm focusing on the positive.

I got a message from a friend of mine at law school. We have had a few classes together and we know each other, but I don't know that we've ever had a real conversation. Maybe that just makes us more acquaintances? Anyway, she sent me a message out of the blue and said she had seen me last week and that I looked great and she just wanted to let me know. That felt great. I know people are scared to tell others it looks like they're losing weight, but I need to hear it desperately. So that was some good motivation. And it was a good reminder of why I am doing this. As Whitney said in her email to me, I am making the decision to do this. I'm not being forced to do it. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to. If my life is too stressful right now to handle the weight loss as well, then I don't have to do it now. That was such a nice reminder because it helps me remember that everything else is easier to deal with when I'm losing weight and feeling good about myself. Those feelings alone can help me get through depression and other stress triggers.

Okay, I better get some work done. I'll post tonight after WI.

Dear Headache God:

2008-03-29T09:29:00.003-04:00

I get it, you're not happy with me. The only thing I really would love to know is why you're not happy with me. We have been dealing with each other for about 16 years. I thought we had come to a mutual respect for each other. Or at least, and you can trust me on this, I respect you. You can bring me to my knees like no other. And I sure end up bowing to the Porcelain God because of you a lot more often than because of Hangover God.

I have tried to do what you want me to do. You don't like caffeine, so I've given it up. And I don't even complain about it (okay, that's not true. But I don't complain all that often... Okay, that's not true either, but I only complain to Chris about it). You don't like perfume, so I don't use it and yell at stupid sister when she gets in the car with me after just putting it on. You don't like really loud sounds, so I'm not in band anymore (okay, that has nothing to do why I'm not in band anymore, but we can pretend). You don't like strobe lights or bright flashes of light, so I don't go to concerts or other places where they might have those. See all I've done for you?

Apparently you didn't like me exercising with my blood pressure so high, so now I am on a blood pressure medication. You only like certain pillows, so I take my own pillow wherever I go. You don't like it when I cry, so I try not to (well, according to Chris I cry at the drop of a hat, but he doesn't know what he's talking about). You didn't like my hair when it was so long, so I cut 11 inches off. You don't like my eyes being strained, so I never take out my contacts. You don't like me being in bed too long, so I get out of bed as soon as I wake up. You don't like me not getting enough sleep, so I make sure to get at least 7 hours a night (and I know you want 9 hours, but I just haven't been able to swing that yet. I'm trying, I promise). You didn't like me taking ibuprofen and tylenol so much, so I don't take them at all. You didn't like it when I took Imitrex (and you could have let me know that one without making me think I was dying, by the way), so I didn't take ANY prescription meds for you for a very long time. Some have suggested that maybe you don't like me being overweight, so I am trying to fix that as well. But you seem so intent on not letting me go that you are hindering my progress even in that respect.

I have been to headache specialists who have told me that no matter what I might think, my headaches really were getting better, or else I didn't fit into their research. That was just you playing your twisted game, wasn't it? I have been to massage therapists, crasniosacral therapists, and acupuncturists, all who have told me they could get rid of you for me. But you are an elusive little devil, to be sure. I have been to the Emergency Room more than once when I couldn't take it anymore, and your punishment for me resorting to that is to slap me with a $1000 bill (after insurance) for 4 hours in the ER. *Sigh*

I accept the fact that most of the time I just have to go to bed. It doesn't matter if it's my and Chris' anniversary, a birthday party, vacation, whatever... When you come knocking, I bite my tongue and just go to bed, since that is the only thing you seem to want me to do. I have missed out on so many things, most recently my Mom visiting last night, because you want me to go to bed. And even though this time I am well into Day #3 of you (which, in case you were wondering, means I have given up TWICE and gone to bed), and you are showing no signs of giving up, I am trying not to be too bitter.

Do you see all that I have done for you? I have spent more time, money, and effort on you than on anyone else. And I don't complain all that much (well....). I have tried so very hard over the years to do what you want me to do, so I have to admit I take it personally when the only medicine you will respond to is the one that my insurance company now says they will not cover because it is too expensive. I mean, really. Is that absolutely necessary? And the fact that they won't even tell me that much until I am out of meds and have to have a friend drive me to the pharmacy because I am in so much pain?? That was just mean. I understand you won't respond to Tylenol and ibuprofen and Aleve and Aspirin and every other over-the-counter drug known to mankind. I have accepted that. But do you have to pick the one drug that is going to cost me $150 for 6 pills? Seriously??? I think that is a lack of respect for me. And after all I've done for you, I don't appreciate it.

So, onward our little relationship goes. I haven't been happy with you in a very long time, but you seem so attached that you won't let me end it. I just wish you would tell me what I could do. I would do it, I promise. And when you finally tell me what it is that you don't like about me
and it turns out to be something stupid like you want me to dye my hair, I promise I won't be mad. Just please tell me.

Sincerely,
Your dear friend, Caroline

Secrets Revealed

2008-03-26T10:14:00.005-04:00

This is going to come as a shock, so hold on to your hats. Are you ready? You sure?? When several days go by without a post, it usually means I'm not doing too hot on the WW front and am avoiding my blog like the plague so I don't have to confess. Wow! I know that NO ONE had figured that out. I am so sneaky (cough, cough).

*Sigh* Yeah, so I haven't been doing too hot. And MAN I wish I knew why. For some reason the motivation to do this whole weight loss thing reacts to a switch that I don't have control over. Or that's how it certainly feels sometimes. Bam! I get really inspired to work really hard. Then, BAM. It's gone and I have no idea how to get it back. And it seems like it's been mostly gone for the past month or so. Maybe even longer. And dammit I just don't know how to get it back.

I didn't go to WI this week. I just had a bad day Monday and I couldn't do it. I was planning on going yesterday, but then I just felt like I needed a week off. It's not that I'm scared of seeing my weight. Based on the last few weeks, I'd probably still have a loss (yes, it's fine to hate me now). I really just needed a break from the scale.

Several things are contributing to this mood. Let's see if I can get them all:

1. My life is stressful. My life is wonderful, but it is very stressful. And over the next 7 months, the stress is just going to keep going up. The campaign could be a full time job, but then I've got this thing called school. Chris will literally shoot me if I don't graduate. So I probably should try to do that. Then I get to this summer where I get to study for 3 months straight to take a test. What test? The Bar. And if I don't pass.... well I just can't go there. I know what comments are going to be, "Of course you'll pass!" But some people don't. I have friends who graduated last year. People I think are a lot smarter than me, and they didn't pass. That scares the crap out of me. Throw into the mix the fact that I don't have a job. My student loan payments are going to start in November, regardless of whether I passed the Bar and have a job or not. That's just a hell of a lot on my shoulders at the moment. So for all of you wondering, you can be damn sure that even if a ring is on the horizon, there will be NO wedding plans until 2009. I know some people love asking, so I just thought I would go ahead and answer for you :) Although I do need to remind my future mother-in-law that it is HER son who is keeping her from having any more grandchildren (yeah, that's not totally true, but close enough).

2. Monday was just a bad day. And it's ironic because a friend of mine and I hung out on Saturday and we discovered that we are on the same anti-depressant meds. And she mentioned how once you go through depression, bad days aren't just "bad days" anymore. You start wondering, is this just a bad day? Or am I sinking again? Is the depression coming back? But it can't come back right now, I'm too busy. What am I going to do if it comes back??? Getting a little ahead of myself? Absolutely. But that's the thought process that goes through my head. I imagine it's similar to someone who has gone through a serious illness before. Is this a "normal" fever or is it a relapse? It's enough to drive me crazy. Or drive you into a depression, more accurately. All I can do is hope my meds keep working. I used to say I just needed to get through July. But now, I just need to get through November, then I can break down. I've had some bad days recently, and I don't know what they mean. And I really, really wish I knew what they meant.

3. I mentioned at the beginning of 2008 that I was glad 2007 was over because I lost two of the most important women in my life. Well, we're getting close to marking one of those anniversaries. While the anniversary of my godmother Louise's death was in January, I don't think I truly began the grief journey until my aunt (and other godmother) Caroline died on May 3rd. For some reason, to me May 3rd is the anniversary of losing both of them. I have been dreading that day. And I have been in complete denial about their deaths since Christmas. I am terrified to open that door, and I know it's coming. I've been in therapy long enough to know that there come certain times when you have to confront things. That time is coming for me, but I'm running screaming in the opposite direction. I have to stop talking about this now cause I'm at school and can't have a complete breakdown at the moment. Stupid school.

4. I feel myself sliding a little in terms of WW (I love how I leave WW for last on my list when this blog is supposed to be about WW... hah!). I am going to take a lot of shit for this, but having undeserved losses those last couple of weeks zapped my motivation. "I ate crap last week and still lost, so why should I try to be good this week?" I honest to God feel totally guilty about those losses. I know I should just treat them like a gift, say thank you, and move on. I know that those undeserved losses won't last forever. I know that I had those losses because I had been focusing on getting my body healthier so it was able to keep losing despite the bad eating. And I know that if I continue to eat badly, my body won't be able to keep losing. I know all these things. Yet I can't seem to find that magic switch that kicks my butt into gear.

I guess it's time for another butt kicking party. Come on, Kristi. Whitney, I'm waiting for your call! I need to get outside and exercise. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have lost 23 lbs, dammit. That is a lot of weight. That is 23 lbs that I will NEVER see again. I am PROUD of myself for that. But I still have a long way to go. I need to get back on the exercise wagon. I need to focus on what I'm putting into my body again. More importantly, I need to focus on WHY I am putting it into my body. If the depression comes back, it comes back. I can't control that. I've gotten through it before, and I'll get through it again. I have lost these 2 people in my life. Face it, grieve them, and keep going. I'm a big believer in faking it until you can make it (also what years of therapy teaches you), so I just need to chant these statements in my head.

Come on, switch.... FLIP!

Caroline's Commitment

A Person I Don't Want to Be

Legal Losers

How Many Activity Points do you get for painting?

2009: Year in Review

Real Wedding Pictures!

Pictures!

Stupid Grass...

Settling In...

I'm Married!!

Not That I'm Bragging...

One Foot on the Wagon

Okay, Okay

What Happened???

Worst Blogger Ever...

Still Breathing...

And so it begins...

Ummm, ouch

Being an adult SUCKS...

17 Days...

I Don't Want to Talk About It...

New Header!

Halfway

Here I go!

Part 2: Refocusing

Exciting News!

So True...

This & That

Me = Pathetic

Oh My Aching Feet...

Worth millions of words...

TODAY

So Frustrated

The Latest News

Never Mind... *Sigh*

Waiting for Friday...

Early Morning WI Results

Starting Again?

Food Finds

WI Minus 1

I'm here....

Day 2

Memory Tag

The Beach!

Back to Reality...

I'm DONE!!!!!!

Here Goes Nothing...

The Weekend Before

8 Days

13 Days Check-in

One more time, with feeling...

I'm Not Disappointed in You, I'm Disappointed in Your Choices...

Still Truckin'

Now THAT'S dedication...

Tag

Whew

Awesome WI

Yikes...

And again...

WI Results

You Learn Something New Everyday...

I have lots of muscles...

Contest!

Day 2

WI Results

The Perfect Week

Checking In

Woops...

WI Results and other miscellaneous thoughts

End of Week 24

Week at a Glance

Mom & Dad's 30th Anniversary Present

Good Tuesday

Refocusing... For Real This Time

Refocusing

Still Here....

Worth 1000 words...

My 100th Post!

Checking In

Saying Goodbye

Never Mind... Sigh